recovered anorexic

[lfwfv]

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking here for a while. Some background...I have been gluten-free due to an intolerance for just over a year now and, consequently, began reading a ton of books on diets (particularly about whole foods diets since almost everything processed has gluten in it). I ended up reading the China Study and was blown away. I have never been a big meat or dairy eater, so getting rid of the animal products was not much of a big deal. My husband agreed to try going vegan as well (though he cheats occasionally and makes some higher fat plant choices than I do) and things have been going fairly well. After reading McDougall, I also became convinced to give up all oil and basically all nuts/seeds/dried fruit etc.

A few concerns have arisen...

1) I am a fairly compulsive person. I struggled with anorexia for 2 years in my late teens/early twenties and sort of got myself back on track by legalizing food and eating between hunger and fullness. I find myself getting extremely obsessed with this way of eating and I find myself a bit concerned. I am reading anything I can get my hands on, I am getting rid of any tempting foods (nuts/seeds/gluten free crackers and breads/dried fruit/sugar) because I have binge tendencies at times, and I find myself very anxious when we have to eat out or at friend's houses. This concerns me because I am worried that I am pursuing ultra-thinness again and saying it's for health reasons. I hate hate hate feeling controlled by food and bingeing, so I do away with pretty much any food that can make me fat or that dumps a lot of calories into me if I overeat it. Consequently I am quite thin, but I also find myself quite afraid of high-fat food and of any food situations that I can't control. Maybe that's ok though? My diet is basically a Mary's Mini diet (usually millet or quinoa, lots of veggies, 2 fruits per day, 1 cup of beans).

2) How thin is too thin? I find myself very worried that people are going to notice that I'm losing weight (I weighed about 125 for several years and have gradually been losing weight over the last year as I've transitioned from a whole foods, to a whole foods vegan, to a low-fat whole foods vegan diet). I'm still at a healthy weight for my height (116lbs and I'm about 5' 51/2"), but I am worried that people who know that I've struggled with eating/anorexia are going to accuse me of being anorexic again. I am also worried that they will judge me if they find out that I am eating no bread, no nuts, no dried fruit, no meat, no dairy, no oil (i'm also avoiding corn and soy because I am quite sure they are causing excema flare-ups). I try to eat MWL because of my gluten intolerance and because I am trying to stay way from binge triggers. Should I just do what I know to be healthiest and not worry about what they think?

3) Things had been going great today and then I saw an article and show on 20/20 about orthorexia today and I freaked out and used it as an excuse to eat two bowls of puffed millet with honey and a ton of natural peanut butter out of the jar (we still have this in the house because my husband eats pb/j sandwiches for lunch). I am worried that I will continue to sabotage myself unless I feel convinced that eating the MWL way is healthy and ok and I'm not becoming anorexic again.

So I guess, my questions are:

-how much credence should we give to other people's opinions about our weight, eating habits, obsessiveness and how much do we ignore them? If anyone has recovered from an eating disorder and has friends/family that watch them like a hawk now, i would really appreciate their input.

-is it possible to be too obsessed with eating perfectly and is it normal to get stressed about having to eat out or eat at friend's houses (possible non-legal food)?

-does anyone ever feel judged when they eat low-fat vegan foods in public (and are also quite thin)? I always worry that people will suspect I'm anorexic or think that I have problems.

Thank you for your patience with my obsessiveness!
lfwfv

[Letha.]

1) I am a fairly compulsive person. I struggled with anorexia for 2 years in my late teens/early twenties and sort of got myself back on track by legalizing food and eating between hunger and fullness. I find myself getting extremely obsessed with this way of eating and I find myself a bit concerned.

This concerns me because I am worried that I am pursuing ultra-thinness again and saying it's for health reasons.

Consequently I am quite thin, but I also find myself quite afraid of high-fat food and of any food situations that I can't control.

but I am worried that people who know that I've struggled with eating/anorexia are going to accuse me of being anorexic again.

I am worried that I will continue to sabotage myself unless I feel convinced that eating the MWL way is healthy and ok and I'm not becoming anorexic again.

-how much credence should we give to other people's opinions about our weight, eating habits, obsessiveness and how much do we ignore them?

-does anyone ever feel judged when they eat low-fat vegan foods in public (and are also quite thin)? I always worry that people will suspect I'm anorexic or think that I have problems.

lfwfv

Lfwfv,
Respectfully, I think you should seek professional assistance. Anorexia is a very serious, potentially life threatening disease.

For someone who has never had a problem with anorexia, I would say that they shouldn’t worry what anyone thinks about their weight. But if you have an eating disorder, chances are your body perceptions are not in line with reality. You need another person that you trust to help you separate behaviors that unhealthy and obsessive from behaviors that are sensibly and healthy.

If you don’t want people to worry about you being anorexic, then eat lots of food around them. A couple of baked potatoes/yams or a big plate (2-3 cups) of rice pilaf. If that scares you, then seriously, please seek some help.

Best wishes,
Letha

[lfwfv]

Hi Letha,

Thank you for your concern. I really do not consider myself to have an eating disorder anymore. I don't hide my thoughts or obsessions from people anymore and I am accountable to people for my actions. However, that is not to say I still don't struggle with wanting to be in control of my eating and my life and my body. I am sensing that many people on this forum feel this way to a greater or lesser extent and I am seeing many people posting BMI's that are 18.5 or less (which is getting into the underweight side). I am mostly wondering how people deal with comments from others about their thinness and restrictive eating habits. And also whether they monitor themselves and adjust their diets if they are falling into the underweight category.

I would feel comfortable eating a few potatoes in a sitting. I think i have been filling up on too many veggies and then not having much room for enough starches to satisfy my calorie needs. As a result, I've been full but maybe not satisfied and I think it's been leading to some binges (all McDougall foods but some higher fat foods and refined sugars that I try to avoid right now). I talked it over with my husband last night and we agreed I should try to eat more starches and a tiny bit fewer vegetables and see if I can feel more satisfied with my food.

Thanks again for your thoughts!
Lfwfv

[Daffodil]

I have to reply to this. I used to be anorexic in my mid to late 20's. I did get over it slowly and was back to eating food regularly by the time I turned 32. I seriously wonder how I ever stayed alive when I hardly ever ate back then.
I cannot believe now how I used to think I was fat, when my collarbones, hipbones, rib bones, just about every bone was sticking out, but I still thought I was fat. I used to be able to put my hands around my waist and touch my fingers of both hands together front and back, that's how thin I was. I realize that now, but did not then.
Now I am the opposite, and I don't think I'm that bad until I pass a mirror. Then I look at the person in the mirror at times and wonder who she is. It's shocking sometimes.

I am also am a little obsessive when it comes to food and i think that I think about it way too much. Of course I have to cook all the time since my husband cannot(he heats things up or makes pasta or rice, thats about it.)
My husband has been slipping back into the SAD way of eating and that's just been really bugging me. So I bug him more. Which doesn't help.

As far as this way of eating, it has been a lifesaver to me. I had been eating this way on and off since I started eating food again back when I was 32. Mainly veggies and fruit, some pasta, some rice. Was never big on rice, but now I really like it. The brown rice taste is the best to me.
Being able to eat unlimited potatoes has been a big change for me. Something I've truly loved all my life is now the center of my diet. How cool is that? Eat til you are full. When you feel hungry, eat again. Repeat.

Lfwfv, try bananas, peas, corn, potatoes, sweet potatoes, brown rice, oats, anything to get the satisfying feeling for awhile. And refer to the "repeat" above. Whenever you feel the hunger, eat.
Definitely check out the recipe section here on the site. There are tons of ways to make the food more "user friendly". Recipes are a lifesaver.
Right now i have some white beans cooking in the crockpot while I should be sleeping. They will be part of my giant pot of soup when i wake up later. White bean/lentil veggie soup. Yummy.

[lfwfv]

Thanks for this post Daffodil. This way of eating has felt very liberating for me in many ways...I like to be able to eat freely and to eat a lot of volume every time I'm hungry. I'm very in touch with my hunger signals and rely on them a lot (I recovered and learned to eat again by using hunger/fulleness). I also love feeling less controlled by food because I avoid sugar and fat (both can trigger me to eat out of control when I'm hungry). It's not that I get fat from these binges, but I hate feeling controlled by an out of control urge to eat and I hate feeling bloated and stuffed afterwards. The MWL plan has freed me from a whole lot of that and my food feels easier.

I actually cook for my husband a lot (McDougall). But, i tend to prefer simpler plain veggies, fruit, beans and cooked grains. Routine and monotony is calming for me.

I think the biggest adjustment I need to make currently is to fill up on the starches as you've said. I have been feeling a little bit low energy on the MWL and I think it's because I am eating too many veggies and not enough starches. Three cups of puffed millet seems like a lot to me, but it's really just 180 cal and when that's the main part of my meal, it's probably not enough. I'm fairly active too so I know I probably need more starches so I am satisfied and energized for my day.

With regards to weight, I always feel self-conscious about weight-loss and gain. My lightest weight was 99lbs (which is about when it dawned on me that I had a problem). I gradually gained weight until i was 120-125lbs for years. The highest i've ever been was 130, and now I'm back down around 116-117. So, it's not even like i've been all over the spectrum or anywhere near overweight (i admit that 99lbs was extreme and i probably looked quite different then compared to now, but otherwise people haven't noticed huge fluctuations in my weight).

I just get so self-conscious about what people will think about my weight, my eating habits etc.. This way of eating helps me feel sane, healthy, like I'm nourishing my body (even if I overeat on McDougall foods) and like I'm doing a good thing, but then I worry about what people will think about me being 'abnormal'. It seems most articles/books on eating disorders call 'normal eating' being able to eat cakes, cookies, high-fat foods, fast food on a daily or weekly basis and being ok with that. Isn't that unhealthy though? I would think healthy eating (low fat whole foods vegan) would be a more nourishing way of feeding yourself.

I feel so 'abnormal' in my eating habits. I don't eat at set times, i eat when my body is hungry. I don't eat regulated amounts, I eat until i'm full or satisfied. I don't eat 'whatever', I eat low fat whole food vegan and I try to stay away from processed food and artificial anything. Sometimes I worry about going against the flow.

Thank you both for your advice and encouragement.

lfwfv

[Bambie113]

lfwfv,
If you feel self-conscious about what others think or say when you eat why not tell them that its doctor's orders? Don't mention the word diet, just say that your doctor has asked you to eat this way because of allergic reactions you've had and you're giving it a shot. Thats it.
I'm allergic to dairy and if people make a big fuss I start telling them the bowel discomfort stuff and they shut up right away. lol. I include 'that meat does it too and its just easier to stay away.' I learned that people freak if I say I don't eat any meat/dairy/processed foods/oil (like I'll die) so I just say I'm trying to stay away from it. That way they feel comforted by the fact that sometimes I eat it. (which I don't)
In the end it doesn't matter what they think, they are not going to be there with you hooked up to a oxygen tank with a heart pacer from eating a SAD. Stay here for support!
Good luck!!

[Faith in DC]

wow, well, my two cents. First off, why in the world are you on MWL or Mini? You can do the regular program with the nuts and seeds, tofu and some avocado because you don't need to lose weight. I am picking up on some Anorexia tendencies though. One example is the I feel like i ate too much with three bowls of puffed millet, but it's only 180 calories. It sounds to me you are still having struggles and Letha's suggestion may help.

Just so you know, when I first found this way, I read everything I could and got a bit obessive also. Sometimes we do it out of excitment to think maybe some really does understand.

I'm sure that folks who knew you back when, are watching and worrying, as that's what we do for people we care about.

Eat your starches, enjoy add some fruits and veggies, and nuts. enjoy. They makde gluten free breads too btw and pastas.

[lfwfv]

Hi,

Nope, I didn't say three cups of puffed millet seemed like too much for me in terms of calories...it's just a lot of volume when I eat that+ veggies+fruit+beans (a typical meal for me). It seems like a lot of food, but really it's pretty low calories. So, I probably need to eat 1.5 or 2 bowls of the puffed millet (or some other less puffy starch) and a bit less lettuce so I get the same amount of volume but more calorie density.

The reason I stay away from gluten-free breads, nuts, seeds etc. right now is because they tend to lead to binge-eating for me which leaves me feeling very out of control. They're also extremely expensive (even when I bake them myself, which I do occasionally). Aren't there some other people out there who do MWL because it tends to help them avoid foods that trigger overeating?

I appreciate all the thoughts and I think I will really focus on making sure I get enough starches in the next while and keep coming here for support. I'll do my best not to worry about what people think and I'll just deal with their comments and concerns if/when they arise.

I tend to go into things full-tilt so that might be part of why I'm feeling pretty compulsive lately. I've read The China Study, Esselstyn's book, Barnard's book and a couple of McDougall's so i think I am just overloaded at this point and need to read some brain-less novels for a few weeks!

Thanks again!

[Faith in DC]

good. I was just worried with you doing mary's mini which is more extreme than MWL. Frankly I do the regular program with mainly whole grains veggies and fruits. If I need bread with something, fine, I'll eat it. I usually don't.

those puffed cereals are not filling. Gosh in the 60's we always had a bunch of puffed rice because it was a low calorie food. I couldn't get full on it to say my soul. LOL

[lfwfv]

I should add that I occasionally eat some nuts, extra fruits, dried fruits, honey etc.. I just tend to go nuts on those foods and I really hate the feeling of being out of control and then stuffed and bloated after eating.

I really like the crunch of the puffed millet so I am eating that a lot right now. I ate a couple of cups of cooked millet at lunch today and I felt much more satisfied and energized so maybe I'll have to strike a balance between the puffed and cooked stuff. I do also eat rice, quinoa, and teff a lot but I've really been craving the millet lately and it just simplifies things to be monotonous. If I really crave a change, I definitely allow myself that.

Thanks for your thoughts and concern

All of this discussion just highlights the big issue in all this for me... somehow if an overweight person is eating 'oddly' (ie. McDougalling in our culture), people are usually encouraging and positive and accepting. If a thin person is doing the same thing for health reasons and to avoid feeling controlled by food, then people tear them apart and are all concerned about obsessiveness and eating disorders. It's especially bad when that thin person has had a history of eating issues. <Sigh>

I guess that's what I've been concerned about- it takes a certain amount of 'obsessiveness' to truly McDougall, and it takes a commitment to going against the flow. I am a people-pleaser and I hate feeling judged by people and I feel like I'm opening myself up to criticism for being a) restrictive with what I eat and b) consistently thin. It's hard to just do this and ignore other's comments (unless I truly am too thin or am not eating when I'm hungry- then I would agree that others opinions matter).

[WishIWasInBuffalo]

I could have written this post.

My story. I went in to see my primary care physician to discuss depression. We never did because as soon as she entered the room, she took one look at me, said I looked anorexic and she insisted that I see a specialist. To make a long story short, I have settled on both my psychologist and psychiatrist and while working with my primary care physician have reached the conclusion that I am not anorexic because I never thought I was fat and technically, always keep my BMI high enough. The conclusion was the I suffered from depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. The OCD has always moved from one thing or another and this time it settled on "being healthy".

I had accepted that McDougall was probably the healthiest way to eat for me, but never truly followed the diet. I was strict. Unbelievably strict. So strict that I was eating the bare minimum to function. I was never really hungry because I would fill myself up with vegetables and beans. Lots of veggies. Everyone though I was eating a ton of food, but if you added up the calories and compared to my activity, it was clear I was barely functioning.

Now I am truly McDougall'ing while under going treatment for both depression and OCD, including weekly therapy sessions. The therapy is tremendous. I finally feel human. I have developed a list (love that OCD ) of guidelines, not rules. Here are my guidelines for those like me, which I hope is very, very few because after the hell I've been threw, I pray that no one else goes through it. I am sorry for the curse word, but it's the only word the fits. I am also sorry for all the worry I caused my friends and family.

Many of these guidelines are from this website, another board I like to frequent, therapy and independent research. They are only guidelines and highly personable.

1) Sleep. I don't need more than 5 hours a night. They call it sleep deprivation therapy, but I don't think it is really deprivation because I do not use an alarm clock and do not force myself to get up. I simply have accepted that after years of thinking there was something wrong with me because I could only sleep 5 hrs, often just 4, it turns out that's all I need. Forcing myself to sleep more was only causing stress and depriving my brain of serotonin generation time.

2) Sunshine. Need more sunshine. Lightens the mood, lightens the heart. The only problem is I live in Florida (but wish I was in Buffalo) where it can get quite warm. Solution? Sunrises and sunset. Not only are they beautiful here, but they offer sunshine without blazing heat.

3) Eat McDougall style which is high starch, low protein and low fat, at least according to American standards. I live a very simplified McDougall life. Oats and fruits before noon, rice (or sweet potatoes) and veggies after noon. All the foods I love.

4) Simple life. I don't need much to be happy. In fact, the more I have, the more depressed I become. The less I have, as long as the necessities are met, the happier I am. I donated much of what I had to charity and simply enjoy the simple things in life. Makes things so much easier. Live simply to simply live.

5) Exercise. Again, help the mind to generate serotonin. I have to be careful that it doesn't an OCD however. Can't have one of the treatments for depression leave to an increase in OCD.

6) Celebrate the little things. Sit back on Saturday and watch the Ohio State Buckeyes play football. It doesn't make me lazy and I shouldn't feel for doing so.

7) Live one day at a time, one hour at a time, 1 minute at a time, 1 moment at a time. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present. Or something like that. I stole it from the movie 'Kung Fu Panda' and I'm sure they stole it from somewhere.

Have a hobby. For me, it's taking pictures. Especially of my family, animals and scenery.

9) Have a dog. Something to take care of you gives you purpose and meaning. I love dogs. Always forgiving, always loving, never judgmental.

10) Have some omega-3s. Yes I know it's fat, but a tablespoon of ground flaxseed on my oatmeal in the morning seems to be helping more than it is hurting. I think a limited amount of flaxseed has become acceptable, but not 100% sure.

11) Be active with friends and family. Create a supportive social circle.

12) Meditate. I try for 15 minutes every morning. Not sure if I'm really meditating or just relaxing, but before breakfast and I will sit by myself and without distractions (music, internet, other people) focusing on breathing and just breathing. Nice deep breaths while sitting comfortably. Since I need only 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night, early morning works best. Usually around 3AM works for me.

13) Face obsessions head on. For example, I used to obsessively measure my food. Calorie control which is NOT McDougall. I forced myself to stop. Trust that you don't need to measure because this is a naturally healthy way of eating, especially when you have simplified it as much as I have. Other obsessions are remaining to be tackled though, and I have found that my obsessions will often simply shift. I will stop obsession about this and start obsessing about that. Need to remain diligent in other words.

I too was reading absolutely everything (I've read everything listed in this thread and more) I could get my hands about eating healthy. Donated it all to the library and simply follow the McDougall plan. As long as I'm eating plenty of starches, no one seems to bother me about eating "too healthy". I too have taken up reading less serious works. Right now I'm reading a book called "Five Families" which has nothing to do with eating or healthy living.

I know some people think I'm too thin, but my BMI is between 19 and 20 which is fine and I accept that. Many of the people who think I'm too think have BMI > 25 and the belly to back it up. Consequently, I don't feel judged for living a low fat, low protein, vegan life. I don't like the term diet because it implies temporary when I mean diet as in permanent style of eating. I'm not afraid of high fat food, or high sugar food, it is just food. I just don't want to eat it. Rather have oats, rice, sweet potatoes, veggies and of course fruit.

If you are still reading this, then thank you for taking the time to listen my story. I love to communicate, but often fear others don't want to hear from me. Part of my low self-esteem I suppose. I'm working on that too.

Enjoy your evenings everyone...

[lfwfv]

Thanks for that great post! I agree we are very alike. I am very clear that I also have some OCD. I currently have two weeks off from work and, for the life of me, I can't rest! I'm tired but I just feel guilty for doing nothing so I always find things to work at and keep busy. I too often have trouble sleeping, hence my writing this post at 3:43am.

I agree that I am not anorexic (keep my weight high enough, I do care about thinness, but it's more about doing it 'right' and being in control that I care about). I am very aware of needing to cut back on book-reading, and on my need to be sure I eat enough starches. I don't weigh or measure my food at all.

I journal, pray and read my Bible each morning, I exercise 4 days a week. I am extremely disciplined and I find it hard to be flexible and to let things go. I love a clean house, a schedule, control. I throw out huge garbage bags of stuff regularly because I crave a simple environment.

Yep, we're very similar. I love your list of 'guidelines'. That is so me too I write lists like this in my journal regularly. Speaking of which, i do find regular journaling really helps me to be honest with myself and to see the rigidity and obsessiveness that can cloud my thinking so often. My husband also points out my irrational thinking quite often which is very helpful javascript:emoticon(':D')

Thank you sooo much for your detailed post. I feel like I'm not alone and like someone understands what it's like to feel compulsive but is working at keeping it under control in their life. I feel like the OCD is a part of my personality and I just need to learn how to harness the good aspects of it (i'm a professional musician so the OCD helps me excel in my field because i am so disciplined about practicing) and to minimize the parts of it that keep me stuck (reading tons of books on eating and not taking time to find and pursue a hobby).

I hope we can continue to compare notes with regards to how we are dealing with this aspect of our personality.

Thanks again!

[Faith in DC]

I love the list. Really it's one many of us can and should follow. It sounds like your treatment really helped you.

I'm glad you two found eachother. This may help since some of us don't understand the mental aspects of Anorexia.

[WishIWasInBuffalo]

I feel like I'm meeting a kindred spirit. I sleep 4 hrs last night, 11pm to 3am. Now wide awake, but I do fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. This isn't unusual for me. I just don't understand how come I don't fall asleep in the middle of the day, but I never feel fatigued. Time away from work can be hard on me because I feel like I should always be working too. I'm working with my therapist to just relax and watch a DVD. Football starts soon and that will help, but instead of sitting and watching the game, I'll more than likely have the game on while I clean. The kitchen is spotless right now. Spent a couple of hours cleaning it last night before I sat down to read and relax.

I was never by definition anorexic either, never thought I was fat, alway keep my BMI above 18.5. For me it was about rules and the rule was no BMI below 18.5. McDougall appeals to me for its guidelines which I have further simplified. Oats & fruit before noon, brown rice & veggies after noon, no limits, no oil, no animal. No animal is easy for me since I became a moral vegan before trying to be a healthy vegan.

Right now I'm all about a simple environment. It's not unusual for me to clean off my desk at work by just throwing everything away, figuring if it was important, I'll remember it. Same with the house.

I love to read, but avoid health books, diet books, lifestyle, advice books now. It's not the books are inherently evil or bad, but they are not right for me, much like a glass of wine is not for the alcoholic. I'm trying to focus on non-fiction and right now read a book called '5 Families'. It's about the mafia/mob. Fascinating it is. Anyhow, it was been very helpful to not read certain types of books. Helps to keep my mind from OCD'ing. Need to avoid that path. Try not reading about eating and instead just eating good, healthy food.

I'll compare notes as long as you want too! Very therapeutic for me, but we may bore the rest of the board

Any depression? I suffer from that too. Unfortunately soon of the suggestions on how to deal with depression (exercise for example) can lead straight to intense OCD. I walk a very thin line.

Thank you for all you have already done. It good to know that I'm not alone.

[lfwfv]

Hi again,

Yep, I love cleaning (or having a clean house) and have a very very hard time relaxing. I think it's so crazy that vacation time stresses me out. I always have these grand visions of how great it will be to relax and I end up spending my whole vacation tied up in knots because I am torn between working hard so I don't feel guilty and resting so I don't burn out.

I too love reading and I have gone on eating and self-help book 'fasts'. I am currently thinking I need to cut back on that kind of reading again since I'm feeling pretty compulsive. I'm currently reading a novel

My way of simplifying the eating plan is that I eat millet, quinoa, rice or teff (mostly millet right now), chickpeas, veggies and fruit. I have to avoid all gluten because I'm a celiac and I find soy and corn also tend to lead to skin problems in me. Nuts, dried fruits and breads seems to trigger me to want more and that stresses me, so I just avoid them. My menu is simple and it helps me. I also always wait for my stomach to growl before I eat.

The hardest thing for me right now is finding a balance between work and rest. I am learning a few things about myself and my needs and I find my life seems to work best when I...

1) Work in a disciplined way. Create a reasonable to-do list each day (that's the hard part) and then complete it. Relaxation after that is guilt-free.
2) Read some books that are not about how to improve myself and are not educational.
3) Talk with friends and family a lot.
4) Give of myself and my time. Help someone else out.
5) Exercise (I run and this is a great help to me....but, can definitely turn into a huge obsession of always wanting to get better. I try to run a 'light' week every 4-5 weeks when my body tells me it's sore and tired).
6) Go for long, slow strolls with my husband. This helps me get out and enjoy life at a slower pace and I love the time with him to talk and enjoy each other.
7) Reduce the number of commitments I make. I know that I can never do anything with less than 120% effort. That's just the way I am. So, instead of over-committing myself, I keep my commitments down as much as possible so I can commit a lot of time and energy to each endeavor. That way I can do a great job at each one of them and I don't feel stressed by my inability to put enough time into any one of them. This works decently well...I went through a period where i tried to 'let things go' and just do a less-than-great job at some activities. I felt horrible. So i stopped doing that. My problem is that I still say yes to a few too many things right now.

I definitely struggle with depression at times. Off and on since i was probably 17. It's not super bad, but i end up fatigued and just down. It's somehow been better since I've been married (2years now), but I've had my years when it's been bad. I think it's also related to how much I'm allowing myself to experience pleasure and rest in my life. I also think that when I am working very hard and am in regular contact with wonderful people in my life, I actually feel better. AND...I have a very hard time allowing myself the 'indulgence' of feeling my feelings. When I go through long periods of denying myself like this I end up with everything bottled up and it really really drains me- I get depressed. I call it emotional constipation haha. I just hate taking the time to feel sad, angry, frustrated, exhausted etc. so I avoid it and repress it because it's unproductive to take time to let it out. Ultimately, it backfires and I become immobilized by all the stuffed 'stuff'. Then I explode!!

Feel free to send a message to me if you want to continue this discussion off-board...

have a good one,
lfwfv