I miss family. I'm returning to my family's diet.

[c107]

Eating is more than physical nourishment. Humans are tribal animals, and sharing meals is one of the most basic ways humans stay connected to each other.

Since I can't share meals with my family, I don't feel close to them anymore. This emotional pain is giving me eating, sleeping and digestion problems, because my family is all I have for social support. Most people seem to avoid me once they get to know me, so I have no friends. Feeling a part of my family is very important.

I get really sad that I can't share my triumphs and failures in learning how to cook. Feedback from family is very important in the learning process. But, it feels like my achievements are not appreciated, because they won't try my food and tell me if I did a good job. I have no motivation to cook or eat alone and just for myself, just like this guy: http://diopitt.org/pittsburgh-catholic/sharing-meal.

I hope to attend the live-in program someday so I can be a part of the McDougall tribe. But for the time being, I'm going to be with the only tribe I know (my family), even though:

• Mom has kidney disease
• Mom has only one kidney
• Doctors tell Mom she needs to be on a low-protein diet
• I will be constipated again
• I will be slightly overweight again
• I got sick last time I accidentally ate some Mexican beans with lard
• I will get a lot of acne, considering I got a pimple from a Thai restaurant that simply used oil
• Mother Nature is proud of me for respecting Her and her creatures
• I see slaughter when I see meat
• I see depressed mothers and crying children when I see dairy
• I see malnourished hens when I see eggs
• I will give up my promise that I would sooner kill and eat my best canine friend than pay someone to kill a pig
• Cheese smells like dirty, putrid socks
• Pork smells so bad I always bomb the house with air freshener
• Beef smells bad
• Tofu lasagna has better texture and flavor than cheese lasagna
• Curry rice will be harder to get
• Nutritional yeast tastes and smells better than cheese
• Meat adds an undesirable texture to gravy
• Meat adds an undesirable texture to bean chilli

I'm sorry I am so weak. I wish I could stay. Thank you for teaching me so much. I learned a lot, and Mom learned from Jeff Novick that Bragg's Aminos is a ripoff.

[c107]

This should probably be in the family section, actually.

[Ampin Up]

I understand. I always eat with my family and go to all the extended family gatherings.

When you eat, with your family, new friends or on your own, just make most of your plate starches. Then select any vegetables available. If you want to add some meat, then add a little. I understand that sometimes the starches have meat or dairy mixed with them. Do your best to avoid the meat if possible and don't add extra cheese or eggs to your plate. For dessert, you can always choose fruit. Do the best you can. Don't get upset about it.

You should be able to eat with your family and still choose the food that you prefer. This way you can get family time and still eat food that is better for you than meat and dairy.

If anyone asks why you choose the foods you do, you can just say those are the ones you prefer. You do not need to get into a discussion about why the other foods are unhealthy, unless you prefer to. You are entitled to choose what you prefer.

I understand there may be more oil in the food your family prepares, but still stick with the starches and vegetables. It will still be healthier than abandoning the idea all together. As opportunity permits, you may reduce or eliminate the oils completely.

Individuals in families still make their own choices. Everyone in a family has their own preferences. You can be an individual and still be a part of your family.

[openmind]

Most people seem to avoid me once they get to know me, so I have no friends. Feeling a part of my family is very important.

I have yet to find a person on this Earth who can't have many friends. The key is to treat others how you would like to be treated.

[c107]

I understand. I always eat with my family and go to all the
extended family gatherings.

When you eat, with your family, new friends or on your own, just make
most of your plate starches. Then select any vegetables available. If
you want to add some meat, then add a little. I understand that
sometimes the starches have meat or dairy mixed with them. Do your best
to avoid the meat if possible and don't add extra cheese or eggs to your
plate. For dessert, you can always choose fruit. Do the best you can.
Don't get upset about it.

[EDIT: Thanks for this simple advice. This helps a lot.]

How would you doctor up these common meals?

• Southern-style fried chicken with mashed potatoes and chicken gravy;
  cow's milk added to the potatoes for fatty or wholesome flavor or
  something.
• Macaroni and cheese with SPAM
• Top Ramen
• Hamburger Helper
• Spaghetti with marinara that has oil and meat chunks in it
• Meat and cheese lasagna
• Bacon (yes, this has been known to be made into a whole meal)
• Burger King
• McDonald's
• Beef and bean chili
• Roast beef and mashed potatoes

My mom and my aunt didn't learn the joys of homemade Mexican food and a
big bowl of fresh Asian soup when they were kids. I grew up eating pho
and the greasy footlong burritos eaten by El Salvadorean laborers off
for lunch. I fell in love with rice, beans, potatoes, cornmeal, fresh
colorful vegetables, noodles, and hot spices. They don't understand my
love and it makes me sad.

[Katydid]

I went vegetarian when I was 19 - that's 40 years ago And I've been vegan for 17 years. My diet has never stopped me from eating and enjoying the company of my family. Because for me, its always been about fellowship not food. If that means bringing or cooking my own food that's fine. I happen to be a great cook, the only response I ever got was "can I have some of that?" I eat with my friends at "normal" restaurants, I just order off menu. It isn't a big deal.

Kate

[Ampin Up]

[EDIT: Thanks for this simple advice. This helps a lot.]

How would you doctor up these common meals?

• Southern-style fried chicken with mashed potatoes and chicken gravy;
  cow's milk added to the potatoes for fatty or wholesome flavor or
  something.
• Macaroni and cheese with SPAM
• Top Ramen
• Hamburger Helper
• Spaghetti with marinara that has oil and meat chunks in it
• Meat and cheese lasagna
• Bacon (yes, this has been known to be made into a whole meal)
• Burger King
• McDonald's
• Beef and bean chili
• Roast beef and mashed potatoes

My mom and my aunt didn't learn the joys of homemade Mexican food and a
big bowl of fresh Asian soup when they were kids. I grew up eating pho
and the greasy footlong burritos eaten by El Salvadorean laborers off
for lunch. I fell in love with rice, beans, potatoes, cornmeal, fresh
colorful vegetables, noodles, and hot spices. They don't understand my
love and it makes me sad.

I'm not sure what you mean by doctor up, but here is how you should follow my advice if served these meals. This is obviously not McDougall.

• Southern-style fried chicken with mashed potatoes and chicken gravy;
  cow's milk added to the potatoes for fatty or wholesome flavor or
  something. - Eat the mashed potatoes with no gravy added.
  
• Macaroni and cheese with SPAM - If the spam is not in the macaroni and cheese don't add it. Otherwise, eat the mac and cheese.
  
• Top Ramen - Eat it.
• Hamburger Helper - Eat it.
• Spaghetti with marinara that has oil and meat chunks in it - Try to avoid the meat chunks.
  
• Meat and cheese lasagna - Eat it.
• Bacon (yes, this has been known to be made into a whole meal) - If there is bread or another starch with it, eat it. Otherwise, not a lot of options.
  
• Burger King - Get your burger without meat, cheese or mayo. I have done this.
• McDonald's - Get oatmeal or a burger without meat, cheese or mayo. I have done this.
  
• Beef and bean chili - Kind of hard to avoid the meat. Eat it.
  
• Roast beef and mashed potatoes - Eat the potatoes.

This is far from ideal, but you are still eating healthier following this advice. If you take the attitude that you will focus on starch and vegetables and avoid dairy, meat and fat, you are doing good for yourself. I have been able to find food at every restaurant, including fast food restaurants this way. It is far from perfect but it is healthier and will work if you are in a situation where there are no other options. Just always think this way and you will do better for yourself. The example you set for others by your choices may catch-on, but don't depend on that or let it get you down.

I am glad you love rice, beans, potatoes, cornmeal, fresh colorful vegetables and noodles. Eat those when ever you have that option with as little added fat as possible. Try not be sad because others don't understand. That happens often. Just be happy with your choices and live the best you can.

Like Katydid, I often bring food to family meals to share that I like and is McDougall compliant. Most everyone enjoys it as well. You can do the same at your family meals.

[Katydid]

A couple of things. When I went away to college and got caught up in the whole 1970's tree-hugger movement, I made it CRYSTAL clear to my family that I was a vegetarian, and that I would no longer be eating meat. I didn't preach to them, I didn't try to convert anyone, I simply made my statement and stuck to my guns. No argument, no discussion, no drama permitted. I was an adult, I lived on my own from the time I was 18, I ate what I damn well pleased. The end.

Another thing that has worked well for me was to offer to do the cooking whenever I visited my family. I would cook the standard traditional food for them, but make my own dishes compliant. My Mom was always happy to have a day off cooking, and nobody cared if I made, say two pots of green beans - one without the pork fat for me. I always offered to do the dishes, too. Win-win for everyone.

Kate

[c107]

I went vegetarian when I was 19 - that's 40 years ago And
I've been vegan for 17 years. My diet has never stopped me from
eating and enjoying the company of my family.

Wow!

Because for me, its always been about fellowship not food. If that
means bringing or cooking my own food that's fine. I happen to be a
great cook, the only response I ever got was "can I have some of
that?"

Fellowship?

I eat with my friends at "normal" restaurants, I just > order off
menu. It isn't a big deal.

What do you get? How do you avoid oil?

A couple of things. When I went away to college and got caught up in
the whole 1970's tree-hugger movement, I made it CRYSTAL clear to my
family that I was a vegetarian, and that I would no longer be eating
meat.

How could someone be nineteen and afford to live independently?

I tried going to college, but I did it for the wrong reasons. I went
to college just to prove to others that I'm doing something with my
life. In reality, I don't know what to do with my life.

I didn't preach to them, I didn't try to convert anyone, I
simply made my statement and stuck to my guns. No argument, no
discussion, no drama permitted. I was an adult, I lived on my own
from the time I was 18, I ate what I damn well pleased. The end.

Oh, wow. You were actually *18*.

Things are different when financial independence seems impossible.
Seeing wrong things all the time and not saying anything about it is
hard to do.

Another thing that has worked well for me was to offer to do the
cooking whenever I visited my family. I would cook the standard
traditional food for them, but make my own dishes compliant. My Mom
was always happy to have a day off cooking, and nobody cared if I
made, say two pots of green beans - one without the pork fat for
me. I always offered to do the dishes, too. Win-win for
everyone.

I put on plastic gloves to handle those dishes. I don't know whose
body that milk came from, but it creeps me out just knowing about it.
I can't stand the smell of cooked meat, esp. pork, and I have to spray
air freshener just to come near the living room.

[judynew]

Hi, c107

My family don't get it either but, since I don't live with them, I make do when we are together. As someone else recommended, I eat the mashed potatoes but not the gravy. The rest of the time, I eat what I want and I'm still miles ahead of where I was before.

Is there something else going on here? Throwing in the towel on your personal health and happiness sounds like an extreme reaction unless I am misunderstanding your situation.

[Gweithgar]

Hi, c107,
Am I reading this correctly....you live at home with your folks? That does make everything a lot more complicated! Decades ago, when I was still at home, my Dad was always giving me grief about my weight (even though, actually, I wasn't even overweight back then!). The only thing he ridiculed more were any attempts to eat better and lose weight. I was in high school at the time and working a part-time job. Eventually, I started using part of my pay to buy "diet food" for myself (not McDougall, but healthier and lower calorie, at least). I got ribbed about that, too, but I stuck with it and Dad moved on to other stuff to complain about. Maybe he figured that me buying my own food was a financial gain for him. I think that, barring actual abuse, if you make up your mind, plan your plan, and stick with it your family will get used to it and the teasing will stop.

I don't want to ask you personal questions, because it really is none of my business, but it sounds like you might need to look at addressing some of your other lifestyle choices/options/issues before making dietary choices your main focus. In the meantime, do you have an option of buying some of your own food? Using some of the recipes on this site, could you make vegetable salads, bean salads, vegetable soups...things that could be made ahead of mealtime and shared with your family? That would give you the opportunity to sit down and eat with them and offer them some of your food if they want to try it. And left-over salad could become a snack for later, or be eaten at another meal. It would feel awkward at first, but if you could do something like that...without preaching or drama, as Didi pointed out...and stick to it until the teasing stops it might give you a better idea of your own strength for creating change.

I hate to see you giving up, especially given your long list of things that disgust you about eating animal sourced foods. I really feel sad to think of you giving up and eating such slop. And all of those "awful" meals you listed would certainly be tastier for the addition of a nice green salad.

Don't give up; think of ways to triumph over these issues.

[f1jim]

My family chooses not to eat healthy despite a myriad of health issues directly related to their diet. I choose otherwise. My family still loves me and we enjoy each others company. Neither of us let's food become a stumbling block to family time.
Much of the problem is assuming there is a large problem. My folks accommodate my choices, though it did take about a year of refusing certain foods before it sank in. They still would prefer I ate like the rest of the family but they don't see it as a barrier to enjoying each others company.
Yes, they think you are a bit odd. Yes, you think they are a bit odd. That's okay. What isn't is anyone or any idea that keeps you from reaching the health goals you need to reach. Anything that stops that is not healthy from an non-dietary standpoint. Most families don't let these things become barriers to family time.
Make sure you are not exaggerating the enormity of the issue. Also think of your family as more than the last generations. Perhaps a historical look at your families diet might be enlightening. If in looking back you find many generations of bad eating and sickness you can then decide if it's your generation that changes that pattern or just falls back into the same, disease promoting patterns of the recent past. I have Mexican, and specifically Aztec roots. I choose to look at my parents eating pattern as the one out of step with my family's historical way of eating and mine as falling back in step. Life is truly about perspectives.
f1jim

[c107]

Thanks. I think I'll make it. The doctors weren't ganging up on me with my mom to get me to eat fish. They were actually supportive. They even told me that the flu shot was non-vegan and had eggs in it, which I did not know. And having heard Dr. McD's words about flu shots, the decision was effortless.

[Dougalling]

Hi

Since you are an adult living with parents here are a few options for you.
Buy a small fridge and/or freezer and stock it with foods you would like to eat.
There are quite a few whole foods plant based meal delivery services that would be handy for you if you don't have time in the kitchen.
Dr McDougall also sells prepared foods.

[GrannyB]

Well, you definitely talked me into staying vegan. The long list of things that disgust you about eating animal sourced foods needs to be posted on the bathroom mirror and on the refrigerator door. Those are all articulately stated reasons to stay vegan no matter the challenge. I hope you will for your own sake.