Anna's Journal

[Anna Green]

Doing the right thing today...doing the healthy thing. I'm tired from work and don't feel like journaling but I know I need to so here I am. That's about all I got in me.

[Anna Green]

So I go to Whole Paycheck and let me tell the truth. It was a long long busy stressful day and I was battling in my head about what I would buy on the way home. I check out the hot bar and walk past. I go to the fridge and see chicken and egg salad, consider, and move on.(can't wait till the considering doesn't happen anymore) I see a veg burger and read all the ingredients 2x and no oil. So I think I'm being rewarded for passing up the crud. Still not sure about the no oil though because it looks pretty crispy so I ask a staff person who says it was baked. I buy. I get home and touch the burger, squeezing a bit because I just know deep down inside it was too good to be true. Oily fingers come back. sigh. What amazes me is that I don't want it. I'm too pissed off. It goes in the fridge to return and they will get a lecture with it. Now I understand the whole world won't comply because I'm trying right now not to act the fool but still, they can do better than this bullshit. And I'm fighting for my life here and they need to hear that even if they don't give a damn!

So...I was going to give my veg burgers I made on Monday to friends but I am going to take care of myownself tonight and I get my healthy veg burgers. I have done well today...butter beans and greens soup over brown rice for breakfast, potato salad with all good stuff for lunch, greens eaten like potato chips on the way home from Whole Foods for an appetizer and soon to be veggie burger and bean salad for dinner.

I did good.

[Anna Green]

A little depressed today and not sure why. Thought about comfort and what I would do to feel better. Not SAD.

Watched Ellen Fisher's video on doing an action with a 5 min video on animal agriculture..She set up a tent in a public place and offered cupcakes to those who would watch the 5 min. She said people were receptive because no one was trying to force it and 150 people watched. I think she made a good point that she wishes someone would have shown her earlier in her life and I feel that way too....not that it always deterred me but it sure did many many a time. I'd get the hankering for andouille or fried chicken or gumbo or such, make myself watch such a video and then the desire would go away. I still do this here and there. I'm thinking about doing this action locally. I can make vegan cupcakes or maybe I could figure out a way to make vegan beignets. Anyway...I'm thinking about it.

I had beans and greens over rice for breakfast, potato salad and snap beans for lunch and plan to eat more potato salad for dinner wrapped in red leaf lettuce and if my stomach can handle it a little siracha or something on top.

I feel better just journaling. I know this tool is powerful for me and I need to just keep doing it. This morn before work I watched Chef AJ's latest video. Now that I think about it, I'm wrestling with how much of her recommendations I want to do. I've always thought of myself as a food addict but flour doesn't make me go off the deep end...I can eat some here and there and let it go. I have pasta, bread and pita in the house and the bread and pita is going bad because I haven't wanted alot. Pasta isn't cooked and I'm not saying I've never stuffed it with pasta but it's not enough of a draw for me to not have in the house or eat occasionally. Often I will choose brown rice over pasta. I like having flour products for treats...mwl most of the time and when I want it reg plan stuff. I can lose weight doing that and I got off my bp meds doing this. Avocados are harder but most of the time I can even do just a little and be happy. French fries in oil however sends me off the deep end and I will eat till sick. I think the oil and animal products which I should never touch were my biggest issue. So I'm kind of in a watch my behavior mode and I'll see. And the sunflower seeds in a shell...they need to stay out of my house. Those are harder for me to stop than with sunflower seeds w/o shell. I like the whole process of cracking with my teeth, etc. Sometimes I don't want them but when I do it's off to the races. Way too much sodium.

Anyway, mostly I'm trying to stay woke and really see my issues. I am eating veggies at breakfast as Chef AJ recommends and I know she is so right about this curtailing the cravings. I'm also not snacking unless it's raw veggies and I'm really hungry.

My plan is to walk before work in the morn.

That's all I got.

[Anna Green]

I just left a function at church that included dinner. Normally there is something I can eat but there wasn't tonight...not even vegan food....sigh. And to add insult to injury the fried chicken smelled really good to me. I reminded myself of that movie where the gene mutated person has to work hard not to eat other people who aren't mutated. I made myself pic those animals in horror farms. I'm sad that all these people who profess to love animals and care about the environment care so little about it when they want to eat animal. Not in a judgey way because I too have been there many a time. I'm just sad for the animals, the environment and me who could use the support in not eating animals and oil. I'm home and toasting some corn tortillas and planning to make some tostadas with all legal stuff though perhaps a bit fatty because I intend to use some avocado.

I'm doing well. On the way home I thought about how I was headed home to ethical and life-giving eating instead of all the things I could be doing and then thought "I got this" and felt a wave of joy. I am praying that I continue to "got this."

[Anna Green]

I've struggled more this weekend than recently but overall I think I'm doing very well. I'm prepping and eating the food I prepare with the exception of that veggie pizza I had made be a friend...no cheeze and prob a little oil in the crust. The cravings are a lot less and I deal with it by not eating the seafood or whatever I'm craving and watching something to put me into reality about the cruelty and destruction to the environment involved in production. I'm enjoying not taking bp meds...don't want to give those f'ers my money. Still drinking alcohol and coffee though a lot less.

I think if I keep at this journaling and reading and watching WFPB videos I will continue to progress and not go back to where I was. I'm aware my journal is tedious. It's where I am right now and as they say I need to meet myself where I'm at and continue to nudge myself (or push) in the right direction.

I made a big pot of mostly veggie soup and a little red lentils yesterday to have especially in the morn to start out with a nice chunk of veggies. It really helps. I also will have rice or something. I'm feeling a bit sick and don't plan on cooking more but I have rice prepped and stuff in the freezer. I'll be fine.

[Birdy]

Hi Anna,
I don't post much anymore, but do visit this site and enjoy reading your journal. I hope you're feeling better this morning. One thing that has helped me for years is something a friend said to me once, "You're body is being the best little body it can be." That phrase has allowed me to loosen the harsh self-judgments and, over a long time, I think it also helped me relax enough to find my balance with food, exercise, weight and health. Are any of these perfect? Nope and never will be. But I'm happier. I do have to take bp meds and metformin for type 2 diabetes,even though I eat a low-sodium diet, drink very little alcohol, and have lost a lot of weight. I liked what you wrote about discerning what works for you regarding bread and pasta vs. what works for Chef AJ. It's all about discernment, I think. Wishing you a great day!

[Anna Green]

Birdy, thanks so much for taking the time to encourage. I need it right now. I'm fighting hard for this and even though I'm doing better than I ever have even when I lost all that weight I still have the premiere film of judgment playing in my head. Today I wrestled and wrestled with myself and finally much to my relief let go of the struggle and told myself that if I still want the junk this weekend I can have it. This usually makes me back down and then when the weekend comes I do the same again only for the next weekend.

Today I ate these corn and quinoa thins (like rice cakes with no oil) and they tasted buttery to me. I ate celery and it was salty. I ate raw snap peas and the little peas inside tasted a little fatty. So I know my taste buds are picking up on the most subtle fats and salt and that is absolutely wonderful. I have a Japanese sweet potato cooking to mix in with yukons, tomatoes, celery, red onion, some herbs, and a little of my legal sour cream and mustard. I feel blessed to be able to have this. I don't want to spend $ on fatty vegan delivery or oyster poboys or whatever. My kid needs help and wasting money is not ok. Instead I have this beautiful dish that will help me feel better and that is wonderful.

I can't wait for it to be easier but I also know that i am lucky to have access to the life-giving food. Ya know...I might just try my veg gumbo again. With these new taste buds I might just think it's the cat's meow!

[Anna Green]

So my mother and sister and I used to laugh about my grandmother always wanting to eat what we had. If went to a restaurant she would pick what someone else had as if she was afraid we'd get something good and she wouldn't. I'm learning I'm more like her than I thought. I want what I see around me so it's hard sometimes to be around people eating fries for instance. The flip side is that I can use this messed up character flaw to my advantage. So like I've said before I watch videos especially when I'm struggling.

This weekend we are celebrating my mother's birthday and everyone else is having fresh lobster rolls. I don't really have any feelings about it. I'm making some stuff for everyone also including bruschetta with tomatoes, fresh basil, kalamata olives, and garlic. And then a cucumber and avocado salad (much more cukes than avocado) and corn on the cob with a mexican dressing. I usually pick the higher fat stuff when I cook for others. They can't complain if their mouths are stuffed enjoying it. For my weekend batch cooking I will do more mwl. I'm in to salads right now due to all the video watching and lettuce rolls stuffed with rice and gochujang sauce. I think I will prep a bunch of veggies and then either eat them in salads or stir fry depending on what I want. I'll also roast a bunch of potatoes. This all seems appealing.

I lost a little more weight. It's been slow but I know it will come off eventually.

[f1jim]

Anna did you watch the Webinar with Doug Lisle today?
f1jim

[Anna Green]

Jim, no but I will see if I can find it. Must be good or you wouldn't be mentioning it. Thanks.

[Anna Green]

I watched the Doug Lisle video today. Can't quite describe how I'm feeling. I find myself crying some though I'm not sure what it's about. Relief? Sadness over all the years of self flagellation? I know I've been saying for awhile that I don't binge on the healthy stuff but I definitely do on SAD. It makes sense to me what he is saying. It rings true. I do think that our emotional state plays a factor even if it's just in our willingness to give this way of eating (i really don't like "woe" though I use it sometimes) a go or our ability to fight off those cravings. I know when I took a week off work 6 weeks ago to focus on my health without the stress of work it was much easier to do so. Whatever all the factors are it makes sense to me what he says about overeating and I feel so grateful for the opportunity to hear it. I think I'll be chewing on it for awhile...maybe even cramming.

[f1jim]

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.. It really believe their is much truth in this talk for those that struggle. It's a message we should all watch regularly.
f1jim

[Anna Green]

Jim, I will be revisiting to help me stay sane.

Had a good day free of the fresh lobster flown in from Maine and never frozen that my family was ga ga over today for Mom's bday. I had veggie roll made with brown rice and corn on the cob and salad and 2 small slices of bruschetta with fresh tomatoes and basil and pinenuts and garlic. So good and all legal. One thing I'm reaffirming is that nuts are good to be used to add a little something something in small amounts and not to be eaten by the handful. I'm good at this. I did not once feel the need while prepping to eat a bunch of nuts or olives. I like using them in small amounts to add creaminess or a nutty flavor. They don't seem to be triggers for me which is nice because I have plenty of those. We had a good time.

And, my twin surprised me with an air fryer! He knew I wanted one and couldn't afford and he bought it. So so pleased and grateful! If I had any energy left I'd be playing with it right now. But soon we will have a date and I'll be be flirting and leering at it with an "oh baby, your fries are so pretty, let me fire you up so you can make me some more please!"

[SilverDollar123]

How are you doing? It's the weekend & you usually struggle. Am on your side. Keep up the good work. RAS

[Anna Green]

RAS thanks for checking in. I'm ok. It was a hard week. i did struggle. I' always do when there is a ton of stress. I should not have gone a week without journaling. I'll do better this week.

Today the neighbors were grilling and it smelled so good. I almost brought my veggie burgers over and put them on their grill. Instead I made some burritos with Ezekiel tortillas, tofu, rice and veggies. I think I'm over the hump and am ready to tighten it up this week.

I don't feel like journaling but I'll keep it up. Only good comes from it.