FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

[kkrichar]

Thanks Beth. I hope to journal more when I get my home computer fixed. I don't like using my phone.

I did a lot of cooking today. I baked sweet potatoes, made Jeff's burgers, crock pot red potatoes, black beans and rice, and my very first attempt at making my own gravy. It turned out OK. Tomorrow I plan to chop veggies and make 321 dressing for salads.

I ran on the treadmill tonight and last night. I think this new treadmill is calibrated differently from my old one. It feels like the belt is moving a lot faster than the speed indicates compared to how the same speed felt on the old one. It's messing with my head because I'm so much slower. I need to stop thinking about it and just enjoy running.

Well, that's it for today. I'm participating in the 28-day MWL challenge and it feels good. I had a bit of a rough start but I'm getting into a groove now.

[kkrichar]

I don't have a lot to say. I just wanted to check in since I got a new computer at home. Food was good Friday through today. It feels good.

Breakfast: oatmeal with blueberries and banana
Lunch: salad and tacos
Dinner: 2 Jeff's burgers and corn

I'm doing sit-ups and push-ups during Biggest Loser. No run tonight.

[bunsofaluminum]

great idea, exercising during Biggest Loser! ha! how about that Jackson? I think he gets eliminated either this time or next. Because my daughter knows him, she was up on his progress while he was at the ranch (through his sister)...anywayzzzzah!

Good on ya for the MWL challenge, too. keep on going!

[mtns]

Food looks great. That is a good idea to excercise during Biggest Loser. I love Jackson. He is my all time favorite. I hate to hear him getting kicked off. I haven't had a chance to watch it this week yet.
Kathy

[kkrichar]

Hi Mtns. I love Jackson! He's my favorite too. Buns, you should have put a spoiler alert on that post! Oh well. Maybe he'll win the at-home prize.

I just cancelled lunch with some coworkers. I totally forgot it was scheduled. This morning, after arriving at work, I got an email confirming the lunch and the location. It is at a Mexican restaurant that we have eaten at before. I have already spoken with the managers and there is pretty much nothing I can eat there without supplementing it with my own food. I could have sneaked in some beans and rice and added it to some corn tortillas, lettuce and tomatoes but I don't have any beans and rice with me to bring. I tried thinking of every possible combination that didn't leave me vulnerable to ordering off-plan and just couldn't do it. The more I looked at the menu the more I thought, "ooh, I could do guacamole" and "the Mexican rice wouldn't be that bad, wouldn't it?" I know for fact the Mexican rice is bad because I had it last time we were there. It was soaked in oil. They don't have any pinto beans. I could have ordered an iceburg lettuce and tomato salad and brought my own dressing but that was it.

Anyhoo, my point is that I chose to just pass on the lunch. I'm on day 7 of 100% compliance (with no "Kelly exceptions") and I'm not ready to go into a place with nothing I can eat. It's OK. I feel good about the decision. This is what I had to do when I first got sober and when I quit smoking. It wasn't a going away party for someone I'll never see again. I need to commit to this way of eating and do whatever it takes to make it stick. Eventually it will just feel easy. When that day comes I'll know what to do and it won't be a problem. But, today, it's best I pass.

I feel really good. Other than salivating over the menu items this morning I really haven't felt deprived or fought any cravings. I have a friend coming for the weekend. It is last minute because she is attending the funeral of a family friend. As a thank you for letting her stay at my place she wanted to take me to dinner. I told her it would be best if we just cooked something together at my place. She is gluten free and I said that's perfect! I plan to make Jeff's burgers, baked french fries and banana ice cream for one meal and then crockpot pizza potatoes for another with a big salad and 321 dressing. Breakfast will be a choice between sweet potatoes and oatmeal with blueberries and banana. I think she'll only be here for 3 meals. I'm really grateful to have friends that are OK with the schedule modifications necessary to keep me on the right track.

I ran outside yesterday. It was such a nice day and it felt awesome!!!! I'm totally ready for the 5K on the 23rd. I hope it isn't too cold that day but it's OK if it is. I'll need to slow down because my lungs don't like anything under 32 degrees but this is really my baseline race anyway. I want to compare my 5K times at the end of the year to this one. So it's all good.

I feel fantastic!!

___________________________

Highest Weight: 220
Dec. 25, 2012: 193.8 (McD Restart)
Jan. 25, 2013: 182.4 down Cum. Loss = 11.4 pounds
Feb. 1, 2013: 185.8 up 3.4 Cum. Loss = 8.0 pounds
Feb. 8, 2013: 134.4 down 2.4 Cum. Loss = 10.4 pounds
Feb. 15, 2013:
Feb. 22, 2013:
Mar. 1, 2013:

[mtns]

It is always good to make the decision not to eat something before hand. Whenever I am going to someplace new, I like to look on the menu online and see what they have that I could make work. I am impressed with your resolution.

That food sounds like a good idea for your friend. I need to try those crockpot pizza potatoes.
Kathy

[kirstykay]

___________________________

Highest Weight: 220
Dec. 25, 2012: 193.8 (McD Restart)
Jan. 25, 2013: 182.4 down Cum. Loss = 11.4 pounds
Feb. 1, 2013: 185.8 up 3.4 Cum. Loss = 8.0 pounds
Feb. 8, 2013: 134.4 down 2.4 Cum. Loss = 10.4 pounds
Feb. 15, 2013:
Feb. 22, 2013:
Mar. 1, 2013:

WOW! Kelly!! You lost over 50 pounds this week???!!! I'm totally going to start doing what you're doing!!!!!

Seriously, though, GREAT job on cancelling lunch!!! I hate that we have to do things like that. But, as fjim says, there is a social cost to this WOE, and we have to decide if we're willing to pay it. The way I look at it, the cost of NOT doing it is much higher! I'm so impressed with your commitment!

Have fun with your friend this week, and good luck on the 5K next weekend. You'll be awesome.

[kkrichar]

Hahaaa, good catch Kirsty! I WISH is weighed 134.4! Some day!

Thanks for the support Mtns. I'll let you know what I think of the slow-cook pizza potatoes.

Kirsty, I like that quote from f1jim. It's true and not necessarily a bad thing. I hardly have any of the same friends I had when I was drinking and my socialization never involves hanging out in a bar all night. At first it feels sad but then you realize you're a different person. If your friends can't make the transition then they're probably not really your friends. This is the time when we have to get honest with ourselves. When we make exceptions for social events what is the reason? For example, am I going to lunch with coworkers because I really like spending time with them or am I doing it to take a break from work? If I just want to take a break from work I can schedule a walk or run an errand. If I am friends with my coworkers and enjoy spending time with them then I should come up with a suggestion to get together that doesn't involve food. If none of my friends want to do things with me other than eating at restaurants then maybe those friendships won't work for me anymore. If I feel riddled with anxiety at the thought of getting together with someone then some soul searching and communication needs to happen. Socialization should enhance my life. If it doesn't then why am I doing it. I deserve to spend my free time with people who support who I am today.

Change is hard and it can be scary. However, in the end it's so much better when you can be your best self and no one wants you to be anything else. I think it's great that most of the people in my life right now have never seen me pick up a drink. They couldn't even imagine it. That's a bit better than my old friend who said to a table full of people, "I wish you could have met Kelly before she quit drinking. She was so funny. Remember funny Kelly?" That stung. But I wouldn't care if someone said that to me now. I know how good life can be sober and I wouldn't go back if I could. I can't wait until the day I can look back on this struggle with food and say, "I couldn't even go into a Mexican restaurant without falling off the wagon and now I don't even want the food they sell."

I'll get there. We'll all get there if we make the commitment and ride out the hard times.

__________________________

Highest Weight: 220
Dec. 25, 2012: 193.8 (McD Restart)
Jan. 25, 2013: 182.4 down Cum. Loss = 11.4 pounds
Feb. 1, 2013: 185.8 up 3.4 Cum. Loss = 8.0 pounds
Feb. 8, 2013: 183.4 down 2.4 Cum. Loss = 10.4 pounds
Feb. 15, 2013:
Feb. 22, 2013:
Mar. 1, 2013:

[kirstykay]

Really really excellent thoughts, Kelly. Thanks. These are important things to wrestle with, and it helps me process when you process your thoughts here. I'm still waiting for this to get "easy." I guess it's unrealistic to think I could undo 25 years of habits without a struggle. I don't think I knew the struggle would be this hard, but I also don't think I knew this life could be so rewarding and worth it! I do believe the struggle will end eventually...I'm ready

[BarbD]

Hi kkrichar,

I am sooooo impressed with your determination and declining the Mexican restaurant lunch date..... That is awesome!! Well done girl!!

The old "friends" who thought you were more fun when drinking are not friends...... Friends stick by you & support you in all your journeys and adventures in going through this life. You have moved on, you have matured..... they have not. Congratulation on moving forward and being happy with yourself.

[viva_las_vegan]

Hi kk,

I love your journal! Can totally relate...sober friend of Bill W and also a recovering bulimic. Had to get honest with myself recently and realize that the high fat foods my dietitian thought I needed to add to my food plan were NOT working for me, nor was weighing and measuring every bite I ate. In fact, it was making me more insane. All I could think about was food and trying to control the food and my own endlessly circling obssessive thoughts. Relieved to be back in the safe zone of abstaining from CRAP (compulsion, anger, resentment and perfectionism). I'll be reading your journal and looking forward to hearing more.

Maria B.

[kkrichar]

Hi All! Glad to see you stopping by. Welcome Maria and Barb to my journal.

I had a great weekend. A friend visited and I cooked all our food. I made crock pot pizza potatoes, Jeff's burgers, sloppy lentil stuffed bell peppers, sweet potatoes, beans and rice and pico de gallo. I have tons left to take to work for the week. Everything turned out great. I still need to increase my green and yellow veggies but otherwise I'm on plan. Day 11 of no cheats.

I have an outdoor run scheduled for this afternoon. I have the day off for President's Day. I'm meeting friends for lunch at a Thai restaurant. They steam brown rice and veggies for me. No oil. I put soy sauce on it and it's decent. I feel satisfied without craving garbage afterward and I get to enjoy the company of my friends.


Have a great day!

[kkrichar]

Doing fantastic and feeling good. Day 12 of 100% compliance. I had a bit of a challenge on Saturday in the grocery store. I even ate before heading to the store. So, not sure what that was about but I made it out without eating or buying anything off plan.

Here's my latest mental trick to keep myself from buying or snacking on off plan foods in the store or at work or whatever. I don't want to get political so I hope I don't offend anyone. My intention is to share my thought process and I feel I need to include the whole context. So here goes, I had a brief conversation with someone recently about some homeless people in my town. I said it was sad that homeless people huddled outside during the night in the middle of a Midwestern winter. The other person said, "It's their choice. People in this town have a lot of options. They would rather drink than stay in a shelter." I didn't know this person well enough nor did I have the time to have a conversation about the nature of alcoholism but it stuck in my head for days. What I wished this person understood was that it's not really a choice when, in your mind, you think one of the options is so horrific you couldn't survive it. For most of us, we think sleeping outside in the winter is something we wouldn't survive. Some of the alcoholic homeless will look for cans of beer in the trash and on the ground hoping to find a little alcohol left at the bottom of the container and they will drink it. Now, ask yourself this, what would you have to imagine in order to believe sleeping in the cold, in subzero temperatures while drinking someone else's backwash, is the more ideal choice? Take a minute. Maybe having your family murdered in front of you or being eaten alive by a horrible monster. It would have to be a pretty horrifying option I would think. Now imagine someone says, "Well, it was your choice!" Really? Was that really a choice? Now you may say, "a warm bed is hardly the same thing." But, in a way, it must be. What must those people be imagining would happen if they went one night without alcohol? They must truly believe it would be unbearable. In a way, they are sort of hallucinating. By that I mean they are clearly imagining a horror that is not real. The rest of us can see that one night in a warm bed versus sleeping in the cold cannot be as bad as they believe. But they believe it will be. And that hallucination/nightmare/false belief guides their behavior.

So, why am I telling you all this? Well, I started to think about why I eat off plan. What monster is my mind conjuring up that makes me believe I cannot survive another minute without a Butter Finger or box of Thin Mints or whatever? What do I think is going to happen? What must this monster look like that chronic migraines, arthritis pain, constipation, sleep apnea, depression, cancer, disability, fatigue, medication, surgery, and early death sounds like the better option? It can't possibly be real. It just can't.

I pictured the movies I've seen where someone is hallucinating and they're terrified and their friends are trying to convince them that what they think they're seeing isn't real. How much faith must you have in the people telling you it isn't real for you to walk into the face of what you believe to be a dangerous monster?

I went to my first AA meeting and never had the desire to drink again. I believed all those people in the room that the monster I thought would take me if I stopped drinking wasn't real. I put my faith in them because I couldn't see the truth for myself. It was the best thing I ever did.

I believe the people here when they tell me life will not be painful if I stay with the plan. I will not suffer. I will not go without. I will not spend my days pining for my old favorites. Like ETeSelle says, one day it just feels normal. There is no monster. It's not real.

So, the reason I took you down this really long rabbit hole is that is how I made it out of the store on Saturday. Everytime I saw a sample I wanted to pop into my mouth or a fatty treat I want to toss into my cart I just imagined it was my brain trying to convince myself a monster would harm me if I didn't eat/buy the treat. It was a hallucination telling me I needed these things. And each time I repeated, "It's not real. It's not real."

I bought what I came for and I left the store in peace.

[to_our_health]

Doing fantastic and feeling good. Day 12 of 100% compliance. I had a bit of a challenge on Saturday in the grocery store. I even ate before heading to the store. So, not sure what that was about but I made it out without eating or buying anything off plan.

Here's my latest mental trick to keep myself from buying or snacking on off plan foods in the store or at work or whatever. I don't want to get political so I hope I don't offend anyone. My intention is to share my thought process and I feel I need to include the whole context. So here goes, I had a brief conversation with someone recently about some homeless people in my town. I said it was sad that homeless people huddled outside during the night in the middle of a Midwestern winter. The other person said, "It's their choice. People in this town have a lot of options. They would rather drink than stay in a shelter." I didn't know this person well enough nor did I have the time to have a conversation about the nature of alcoholism but it stuck in my head for days. What I wished this person understood was that it's not really a choice when, in your mind, you think one of the options is so horrific you couldn't survive it. For most of us, we think sleeping outside in the winter is something we wouldn't survive. Some of the alcoholic homeless will look for cans of beer in the trash and on the ground hoping to find a little alcohol left at the bottom of the container and they will drink it. Now, ask yourself this, what would you have to imagine in order to believe sleeping in the cold, in subzero temperatures while drinking someone else's backwash, is the more ideal choice? Take a minute. Maybe having your family murdered in front of you or being eaten alive by a horrible monster. It would have to be a pretty horrifying option I would think. Now imagine someone says, "Well, it was your choice!" Really? Was that really a choice? Now you may say, "a warm bed is hardly the same thing." But, in a way, it must be. What must those people be imagining would happen if they went one night without alcohol? They must truly believe it would be unbearable. In a way, they are sort of hallucinating. By that I mean they are clearly imagining a horror that is not real. The rest of us can see that one night in a warm bed versus sleeping in the cold cannot be as bad as they believe. But they believe it will be. And that hallucination/nightmare/false belief guides their behavior.

So, why am I telling you all this? Well, I started to think about why I eat off plan. What monster is my mind conjuring up that makes me believe I cannot survive another minute without a Butter Finger or box of Thin Mints or whatever? What do I think is going to happen? What must this monster look like that chronic migraines, arthritis pain, constipation, sleep apnea, depression, cancer, disability, fatigue, medication, surgery, and early death sounds like the better option? It can't possibly be real. It just can't.

I pictured the movies I've seen where someone is hallucinating and they're terrified and their friends are trying to convince them that what they think they're seeing isn't real. How much faith must you have in the people telling you it isn't real for you to walk into the face of what you believe to be a dangerous monster?

I went to my first AA meeting and never had the desire to drink again. I believed all those people in the room that the monster I thought would take me if I stopped drinking wasn't real. I put my faith in them because I couldn't see the truth for myself. It was the best thing I ever did.

I believe the people here when they tell me life will not be painful if I stay with the plan. I will not suffer. I will not go without. I will not spend my days pining for my old favorites. Like ETeSelle says, one day it just feels normal. There is no monster. It's not real.

So, the reason I took you down this really long rabbit hole is that is how I made it out of the store on Saturday. Everytime I saw a sample I wanted to pop into my mouth or a fatty treat I want to toss into my cart I just imagined it was my brain trying to convince myself a monster would harm me if I didn't eat/buy the treat. It was a hallucination telling me I needed these things. And each time I repeated, "It's not real. It's not real."

I bought what I came for and I left the store in peace.

Just had to pop in and say thank you for sharing your process so eloquently...if this were FB I'd Like and Share!

[JohnLarson]

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