FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

[JT of PA]

Thank You for the gift of your posts ... especially the last couple. You are putting down in words things I thought and believed only applied to me. I'm not alone! That helps ... so much.

Many dear friends have told me I have a very low self-esteem and I have no reason to. It's hard to think I'm worth fixing or making better. Definitely, with your insights and the whole forum's help I'm realizing this is more a mental/addiction thing and my triggers of stress and low self-esteem feed and escalate my food problems.

Bravo kkrichar !!! You are HELPING and INSPIRING someone across the country.

Thank You !!!

(My wife is constantly telling me that in my uniqueness God makes it possible for me to help some people that no one else help. Thank You for sharing and allowing yourself to be that unique voice that perfectly helps, encourages, and throws light on my food issues.)

I cannot fully express how much it means to read someone else's words and realize they plagiarized your brain. That feeling of, "I'm not the only one dealing with/fighting this battle". It makes my heart feel lighter. Good medicine.

All the best,
John

[JT of PA]

kkrichar quote ... "I believe passion helps motivate behavior. I haven't figured out how to do things yet without it. I think that's called discipline or some other such nonsense. I don't have any of that".

I will use passion to motivate myself till I have the discipline I need.

That is going on my refrigerator!

Thanks for the words,
John

[kkrichar]

Thanks John. I often forget that everyone is not as open about their glitches as people in AA meetings are. So, I say things and people look at me like they cannot believe I just admitted I'm lazy or selfish or jealous or whatever. More times than not people appreciate it. It's always a quick reminder when someone mentions it. I'm glad people remind me. Because I used to think I was a freak. I thought I was more flawed than everyone else. The truth is that we all struggle. Most of us are afraid to share that with others for fear it will be used against us in some way. I feel safe here the same way I do in my AA meetings. We're all trying to overcome similar struggles and it does help to know we're not unusual. It is not harder for you than it is for me and it's not harder for me than it was for f1jim and so on. We can all succeed.

Well, it's day 39 for me and I feel great. I went to lunch with friends today. The Thai place we normally visit was closed. So, we walked down to another place that has a big buffet and salad bar. I made a huge salad. I didn't trust any of the dressings so I just sprinkled a little balsamic vinegar on it. I don't normally drown my salad in dressing but I don't eat it dry either. I was a little worried but it was OK. I'm still a little hungry so I will supplement my lunch with a McDougall cup I have in my office.

I ran on the treadmill last night. Tonight is an off-night so I plan to do push-ups, crunches, planks and hand weights during Biggest Loser.

Breakfast was my usual oatmeal. Lunch was salad and McD Miso Ramen Soup Cup. Dinner will be bean burger and kale chips. Maybe some banana ice cream.

Have a great day everyone!

[bunsofaluminum]

[color=#0000FF]

I will use passion to motivate myself till I have the discipline I need.

That is going on my refrigerator!

Thanks for the words,
John

me too! I've been doing a lot with coloring markers, crayons, and colored pencils, along with sketching and playing with art pencils. Methinks I shall make a piece of art out of it

[kkrichar]

Day 41. Every day is new record for me.

I had a super close call at Costco on Monday. It kind of scared me. I really feel like my commitment to this plan is strong now, however, I made it through the "incident" by luck alone the other day. I decided to get a Costco membership to try Pinkrose's recommendation of eating a pound of greens a day. I also want the big containers of blueberries and other produce. Anyhoo, after work I drove out to Costco. I guess I was hungry but didn't notice it when I first walked in. I didn't eat anything in the store. However, I got a bag of stuff when I signed up. On my way out of the store I noticed 5 or 6 individually wrapped squares at the bottom of the bag that looked a lot like granola bars. I don't know why I thought that but I did. I told myself to just throw the bag away. Who cares what's in it. Next thing I know I'm reaching into the bag and opening one of the squares! I knew I would eat it and the rest of them in the car. I knew it with the same certainty I know my name. Once it was open I saw it was not a granola bar. It was dishwasher soap. I looked back in the bag and all the squares were dishwasher soap. I let out a total sigh of relief and headed home as fast as my Prius would take me.

I don't know what happened. Either my resolve is not as strong as I thought it was or hunger provides a little wrinkle that alcohol doesn't. I have never been dying of thirst and the only thing available was alcohol. Never. On the other hand, if I let myself get really hungry, the likelihood that the nearest random food will be McD compliant is very small. I don't want to make too big of a deal about this but I also don't want to take it too likely either. If those had indeed been granola bars I would have eaten them. Once my brain lets one thing in the battle is back on. Everything becomes debatable again and I just don't want to go there if I can avoid it. It's so much easier to abstain than it is to control myself when my obsessive thoughts are spinning in my head.

So, thank you baby Jesus for putting soap in my bag instead of chewy chocolate chip granola bars! I will be less arrogant and better prepared next time.

[kkrichar]

Rockin' out day 42!! Woot!

I've decided to look at my snail-like weight loss in a positive light. In the past, I've lost relatively quickly when I started following the McDougall plan. Usually, not in the first couple weeks (oddly) but then I'll have a big drop. Within a month I've lost anywhere from 8-12 pounds. By that point I've already allowed little off-plan indulgences in here and there but it hasn't seemed to slow my weight loss by much. I get a little cocky and think I don't really need to follow the plan 100%. Often this is summer time and I'm eating a lot of produce from the Farmer's Market and my weekly running mileage is a little higher. I'm invincible and I don't have to do all the things the other MWLers have to do.

Fall comes around and my weight loss slows. The days get shorter and my latest running injury takes its toll. A few pounds creep back up. The holidays begin and by Jan. 1st I've gained back everything I lost. I'm barely eating anything that resembles actual food. I feel horrible physically and mentally. I don't want to socialize. I add more weight until spring and finally I get the motivation to try McD again. I start running again. I increase my mileage and my speed too quickly to make up for lost time. I injure myself again and on and on and on....

I think the early rapid weight loss left me feeling like a cheat wouldn't set me back too far. Even if I gained 3 or 4 pounds I could easily blast that back off in a week and be right back on track. Now, following the plan 100% and running 15-20 miles per week, I can barely scratch off 8/10th of a pound! I don't know what is going on or why but it has changed the way I view a cheat. In 42 days I've lost 5.2 pounds. In that time I've run 81 miles. I've skipped several lunches with coworkers. I'm averaging less than a pound a week and I started out in the obese category! Meanwhile, it seemed like every other person on this site who so much as marginally followed the plan (even if they were close to their ideal weight) just threw the pounds off left and right. I was jealous. I was frustrated. I was angry. But, today I feel differently.

Today I am thankful for the slow weight loss. I know now that one bad meal can wipe out a week's worth of effort. And one bad weekend could set me back to the beginning! Rationally, I know I can't eat off plan or it will trigger a bender that could take months to stop but my irrational brain doesn't always acknowledge that. Now, even my irrational brain knows the effort required to make up for a cheat is not worth the perceived instant gratification I would get. Once again, something I've seen as an unfair disadvantage or "curse" has turned out to be a gift. I'm not right in the head and these little gifts help me work around that. It's something I should definitely be grateful for. I've always wanted someone to save me from myself and somewhere something seems to be doing that. It reminds me of my favorite Onion t-shirt. It said, "I wish someone would do something about how fat I am!" Oh dear, that's so me. Why can't someone make me do the right thing???? Of course, I'd resent anyone who tried. So, this works. My "Evil Chi" is making it impossible to do the wrong thing without some serious, painful consequences. Thank you Evil Chi!!!

I hope everyone is having a great day.

[mtns]

I think that it is great that you are not giving up and I think 5.2 lbs. is a great weight loss. I know I often look at people and think how unfair it is that they lose weight so easily. My sister is that way.She can totally pig out a couple days of week and stay looking slim . I just can't do that at all or I would start gaining weight again. But for me this is a lifestyle change. I know you can do this and sometimes when you really start excercising hard like you are, it takes the metabolism a little to adjust. I know the rest of the weight will come off. I have been impressed at how well you are doing.
Kathy

[Anna Green]

kk, I'm reading your last two posts and feeling so grateful for you and pleased for you as well. I'm here cheering you on even when I get lazy and don't post.

I hate the debate. It sucks up my valuable time. Once not long ago I went to get something healthy and legal to eat and wound up at home with the healthy thing and a SAD thing in the same bag after much debate. Dissociative Identity Disorder? I was too full eating the crap to eat the good stuff and realized later that the good stuff actually tasted better. I think my goal this week is to get as honest w/ myself as you. I'll start with the notion that I can't make up for bad eating in any way- exercise, super good tomorrow, etc.

Thanks.

[JohnLarson]

I am so grateful for your journal.

It is easy to see when people are doing good, most (including me) do not post much when doing bad. The idea of cheating a little will not interfere with our progress is an easy idea to fall for. I think slow weight loss is best in the big picture. Averaging less than a pound a week loss is better than averaging less than a pound a week gain.

[kkrichar]

Thanks John. And, congratulations on breaking the 200 barrier!!!! You made it to one-derland!!!! That's a big one. You inspire me every day.

I ran my first 5K race of the year yesterday. It was wonderful! I did much better than I expected (31:13) and the weather was nice. Everything is covered in snow today but yesterday the temps were mid-30s and sunny. I was even sweating a bit during the race. So, I have my baseline time established. Let the McDougall fueled runner emerge!!!!!! My next race is in 5 weeks. I'm running a 10K. Last year I ran 1:03:38 and I really hope to beat that time. Not sure if it's realistic but we'll see.

I went to the Amish grocery store yesterday. I bought a gigantic bag of oats, a really big bag of brown rice, a huge bag of pinto beans, a bag of bulgar wheat, a small bag mixed brown and wild rice, a 10-pound bag of potatoes, a bag of dried soup greens and some spices. Total cost: $33! Boo-ya! God bless Dr. McDougall and the Amish!

A friend of mine visited this weekend for the race. I made Jeff's burgers and potato salad for dinner Friday night. I made my own "mayo" using light Silken tofu, apple cider vinegar, stone ground mustard and some spices from a potato salad mix I found somewhere. I put potatoes, onion and pickles in. It was decent but not so good I couldn't stop eating it. Yesterday we had tacos made with brown rice, pinto beans and chipotle seasoning and homemade pico and banana ice cream. I also made potato chips with the TopChip thingy. My friend liked all of it! Although, she was a bit over-full! Ha! I told her she wasn't ready to run with the big dogs yet. She needs to ease her way into it. Not everyone is a high volume eater like I am. I'm just so grateful to have found a way to feel satisfied and still lose weight.

Well, that's it for me. I should shovel my driveway.

Have a good one!

[mtns]

Wow your food sounds great. Great job on your 5k. That is a great time. I am hoping for spring weather here. I haven't had to shovel any snow, but we have had some flakes of snow falling this week, luckily not sticking.
You are very inspiring to me. Thanks, Kathy

[kkrichar]

Thanks Kathy! It's supposed to be in the 50s here by the weekend!!!! I can't wait for real spring weather. I love running outside.

It's official, I registered for the September ASW! I'm so excited. I know so many people who travel and do fun things who don't make a lot of money. I've always wondered how they manage to do it. I guess they make it a priority. I just needed to make this my priority. Thank goodness for beans and rice, eh?

I don't have much to add today. Everything is pretty much the same. Oats for brekkie, bean and rice tacos for lunch, Jeff's burger and banana ice cream for dinner. Run after work.

Hope everyone here is doing great and if you're not doing great I hope you keep coming back until you are!

[f1jim]

Wow, you're the first one I know registered for the September ASW. I have it on really good inside info that the speakers will be of similar caliber to the last one. It will be fun to get your feedback on the event live. It will be very inspiring and a great motivational kick in the pants.
Iowa City comes to Santa Rosa.
f1jim

[bunsofaluminum]

Okay, loving the post about the little squares of dishwasher stuff

ain't you glad the McDougall angels were looking out for you hee hee

and excited for you overall, too. I just read the last about four pages of your journal and very encouraged and happy to see you going so strong! And going to the ASW to boot. Wish I could be there, but as usual necessities swallowed up tax return money before I could even begin to think about things I *want* to do.

keep on going. you're doing terrific.

[kkrichar]

Jim, I needed to registered before the sticker shock set in. I knew if I waited I'd find a reason I couldn't afford to go. This way the money is gone. If I need more for something else I'll just have to be creative! It certainly helps buying potatoes and onions at Costco and beans, rice and spices at the Amish grocery store!

Hi Buns! Thanks for stopping by. I feel so motivated right now. It's definitely a change from the past.

I am still getting headaches almost daily. Not sure what is going on with that. At first I thought I was still suffering the impact of the previous months of garbage eating. Then I thought maybe my body was going into shock from all the healthy food. Now, 49 days in I'm just plain old frustrated. If it doesn't go away soon I may need to do some kind of elimination diet to see if I'm allergic to something. I'm not eating a lot of variety so that worries me a bit. I'm eating my favorite foods so I hate to sacrifice any of them. Sigh. We'll see.

I went to Costco yesterday and bought a TON of potatoes and onions. I boiled some fingerlings last night and brought them to work with me. They are so good cold! I am definitely bringing a trough of those on my cross-country trip with me mum in May. I plan to set gas/potty breaks around towns with Whole Foods so I can get some variety in my meals. Hopefully most of the stores will have the no oil pre-made deli stuff. What is that called? Food for Life? or something like that? We don't have Whole Foods where I live. I also want to have some low-fat snacky stuff in the car. I get really bored in the car and feel compelled to stick food in my mouth on long trips. I hope to have nearly 4 months of compliance under my belt before I fly to San Diego. Maybe that will help. My mom is loosely following McDougall so I plan to organize the entire drive cross-country and she'll just have to eat what I bring. She's not a planner so I get to decide where and when we eat!

It's supposed to get up to 50 today!! If I can get this headache under control I'm fer sure running outside tonight!!!! Can't wait!

Have a great day everyone!