Dissolution's Solution

[Potatohead]

In answer to your question...No, my husbands refusal to adopt my way of eating never bothered me. I wasn't eating this way when I married him, and he dosn't adapt to change that easily.
Since his surgery..his diet is much better...Mcdougall style most of the time with chicken or fish added in..He is not ready to give them up..maybe he never will but he does not eat anymore dairy, eggs or added oils...beef or pork are on rare occasion....truthfully..I can live with his diet....He knows, that if he gave up all animal products..his diabetes and cholesterol, and heart disease would probably reverse itself totally...but he is pig headed..I have accepted it...and we move on. I know I have done my best..that is all I can do.

[carollynne]

HI again, Dissolution, You really need to change your name, since you do have a great solution in mind, and it truly is working too.
You have Got to move on, and do all the great activities you have planned even if she is going to be throwing the biggest fit under the sun. You will be miserable any other way. You will never be happy if you let someone else chose your destiny. So cool that the 2 at home did not touch the food she left in the frig! good for their choices too. All around us we can look around and see the so called "in crowd" eating all its animal products and then we look again, and see all the flab hanging everywhere, and then listen carefully as they recite all the health issues with medications they are on. the SAD world has fickle friends, that will desert you in the end, and leave you stranded in the ER!! Your healthy was hanging on a thread and now it is hers alone. Weird how some people can not see what is as p[lain as the nose on their faces...
Keep at it dear man, and keep smiling as you do it, she might decided to come along with you one day.

[Debbie]

Hopefully what I write wont upset anyone.

I was in a 5 year long relationship. It started out as his affair. I did not know for quite some time he was married. Once I found out, I intended on ending it, but she had long moved out and over 3000 miles away and they were already in the process of getting a divorce. Their marriage didnt end because of me, it was already over.

For the rest of our relationship he accused me of cheating on him, mostly just with our friends. I ended up over the course of our relationship losing a lot of weight. I went from 198lbs to 125lbs. I also became very active. I had started running and loved it, but I also started swimming at the lake and because I was afraid of swimming it alone and he refused to go with me, I took friends, often two male friends I considered my brothers. The more weight I lost the more the accusations came. The more weight I lost the more the accusations and the more unhealthy he became. He was on the kidney transplant list after being diagnosed with renal failure very early in our relationship. He just got sicker and sicker and it wasnt just because he was in renal failure, but he continued to eat an increasingly poor diet and drank even more alcohol. He was already a "functioning" alcoholic, but it started getting worse.

Anyway, not only did I "live" with the big cheating accusations, he also accused me of cheating at least weekly. After all, I was owner/operator of a house cleaning business, so in his eyes I had ample opportunity to cheat.

He accused me one last time of cheating with a very very close friends husband. After a night of heavy drinking on both their parts and me having to take care of both of them, my ex ended up falling down the stairs. That night, once I got them both tucked into bed to sleep off their stooper, I contemplated my life and where it was headed. I was just 30 years old. Was this going to be the rest of my life caring for this man who refused to care for himself? Taking care of his drunken stoopers, worrying about his "popping" his belly cause he fell yet again? He was at that time on peritoneal dialysis.

I didnt leave him because he was in renal failure. I didnt leave him cause he refused to take care of himself. I left him because he became so toxic to me, he was actually sucking the life from me. It took me over 3 years to figure this out.

I am not saying to leave your wife. Not at all. Not sure what my point really is here to be honest. I guess just sharing my story.

But I can say, the one who does the accusing is usually the one doing the cheating. Even though I dont believe he cheated on me while we were together, I think his guilt over cheating on his wife caused him to see the worst in everyone else, namely me. So maybe next time she accuses you, turn it around on her.

Maybe, since youre the one who has to cook and wait on her, give her no choice. Take her foods choices out. She either eats what you feed her or she doesnt eat. Seriously, either she gets healthier eating your food or she gets healthier because she's not eating anything. But Im kind of evil like that.

I guess the whole point of my story and the part to take away is in italics

[Adrienne]

Wow Debbie thank you for sharing all of that!

And I agree that if Dissolution's wife were to either eat his healthy (and I'm sure tasty) food or fast she would get healthy either way. Hunger is hard to ignore so I'm sure she would go with the food.

Another comment: Dissolution your decision to plan a summer full of outdoor activities without your wife may even further alienate her. Be prepared for the possibility of more cheating accusations, particularly as you continue to lose more and more weight and regain your health. I can understand why you would want to engage in outdoor activities after losing all that weight and feeling so much healthier. At 42 or 43 (can't remember how old you are) it is too bad that you do not have a wife who is fit enough to accompany you. She could change though...

[nicoles]

Wow, Debbie, that was quite a story! I am glad you made the right choices to take care of yourself. I am personally not upset that you shared that, the opposite in fact.

Dissolution, I have also seen it (time and time again) that the one who is more prone to cheat or HAS cheated is the one making the accusations in a relationship, and also that the one who is likely to cheat or accuse their partner of it is very insecure.

Anyway, I don't mean to get all up in your business or anything. Here's hoping she wises up and starts taking care of herself - that self-esteem will go way up when she does!

[scooterpie]

Wow! Dissolution is a great name--clever and to the point--depending on which meaning of it you meant at the time, or now or even later on:-)

[Dissolution]

toadfood I was talking to our oldest son last night, he's invited me to go and workout with him, he's a member of the cheap health club. The wife promised me after my last heart attack that she would quit smoking, when she was ready. As soon as the weather warms up, I'm kicking all of the smoking out of the house. All the smokers, used to have to go outside to smoke, then the wife got lazy, and started smoking in the house again, and soon the kids followed.

scooterpie I'm sure many of the successful McDougallers, especially the ones who have lost lots of weight, know many people who say they would kill to be thin, but they won't give up meat and dairy to be thin. I could understand not wanting to give those things up, if you didn't know if it would work or not, I was suspicious at first, but my wife has seen first hand the tremendous benefits from this way of eating, but refuses to try it, even for a week. She's told me many times that I'll get her butter, when I pry it from her cold dead fingers.

nicoles We went to a Japanese restaurant last night. The salad came with the house dressing. When I first started this way of eating, I would have eaten the dressing even knowing it contained dairy. Last night, I couldn't do it. The thought disgusted me. I also noticed, the front of house where the sushi bar is, smelled pretty bad. This is a nice place, so I was a little surprised. I asked the wife about it later, she hates fish, but said she didn't smell anything and that it was all in my head.

Potatohead You are indeed a patient a loving person. It's good to know that it can work out, for the long term, even when couples do eat differently.

carollynne While the two at home, did not eat her beef stew. It would have been healthy that what I am sure they did eat. At least the stew had vegetables in it, and wasn't processed. The two of them mostly eat fast food and junk food that comes out of a box. I honestly think #3 is addicted to artificial flavorings or preservatives. If you gave him the choice between canned or boxed and fresh home made or restaurant prepared, he would chose canned/boxed every time.

It's funny how the extended family's opinions have changed. In the beginning everybody was asking about my diet, and how to do it. Now they all just think I'm some sort of mutant or something. Whatever, I'll be a mutant...lol

Debbie Wow, that was some story. Thanks so much for sharing. My wife did cheat on her first husband. She says he cheated on her first, but I see how you are saying a person who has cheated, tends to be the accuser. My wife used to complain that I was not jealous. I guess maybe coming from the mindset of someone who has never cheated, I can't make the connection as to why I should be jealous. Whereas she is horribly jealous. She even gets mad when I speak to my Mother on the phone.

I might be able to get away with forcing her into a healthier way of eating if this was a more long term disability. She is incredibly stubborn. That fact that she has a broken ankle, would not stop her from going into the kitchen and making whatever she wants to eat. She's already trying to walk on it, and was supposed to stay off it for 2 to 3 weeks. We also keep enough junk food in the house for the "kids", that it would be very very easy for her to eat unhealthy.

Adrienne I made some soup the other day, and had done a little experimenting with spices I haven't used yet. Thyme and dill I think. Anyways I thought the broth of the soup was excellent, like restaurant good. It was broccoli stalk and potato soup, I asked the wife to taste the broth. She made a face and said it tasted like hospital food. I don't know if she didn't like it cause it was low fat vegan, or because I made it, or because it was healthy, or maybe it really did taste bad and I've adjusted to my own cooking. In short I would be more than happy to share my food with her, but would probably need restraints and a funnel to get her to eat it.

I'm 44 now. Oh I know. She will not be happy when I start doing things she can't or won't do. What are my choices though? I could sit around the house all spring and summer. Go to the occasional movie. My "diet" has ruined our hobby of trying out new restaurants. I'm hoping I will be able to get our sons involved, so I will have a chaperone. Hmmmm...Is that the way is supposed to work?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

We had a birthday celebration at the Japanese steak house last night. I decided I would have tofu. I discovered that "crispy" tofu, means "deep-fried". Not sure what I was thinking. I ate some of it, felt sick.

I asked my #4son'sGF (the one with U.C.) if her and her Mom had finished reading "The China Study" that I loaned them. She said, "Well, my Mom didn't really understand it. I really couldn't either." What!? This girl is studying to be a nurse, she has a 4.0 in college! I just don't understand people sometimes.

I've heard of growing pains, I wonder if there is such a thing and shrinking pains. I've never had back problems, but I have noticed periods of mid and upper back aches as I have lost weight.

[AlwaysAgnes]

I've heard of growing pains, I wonder if there is such a thing and shrinking pains. I've never had back problems, but I have noticed periods of mid and upper back aches as I have lost weight.

Big people shift their center of gravity. This works different muscles. (Think how pregnant women stand and walk.) Usually you'll find this affects the lower back most. Many (most?) people have bad posture and don't stand or move correctly during day-to-day activities. I think I shared this on Norm's blog, but I'll drop the link here too. http://www.drbookspan.com/fitfix-index She's got tons of info. Scroll down to the U's for upper back. http://www.healthline.com/health-blogs/ ... -neck-pain

You can wander through her stuff at your leisure if you like, or just ignore it if you'd rather. Of course other conditions besides improper alignment can cause pain in the upper back. Do you still have your gallbladder?
http://www.webmd.com/back-pain/tc/upper ... pain-cause

[nicoles]

..I also noticed, the front of house where the sushi bar is, smelled pretty bad. This is a nice place, so I was a little surprised.

I read somewhere that during the Vietnam War, the Vietnamese Soldiers could smell the American soldiers because they ate dairy, and it is a distinctive smell.

I thought that was maybe a myth until I had been eating this way for awhile - when my husband has dairy (away from home, and only occasionally), coffee or even refined sugar during the day when I am not around, I can smell it right away when he comes home- it is uncanny - it freaks him out! He jokes that now he can REALLY never cheat on me

Anyway, I guess my point is that just like our taste buds were out of wack when we ate SAD, maybe our sense of smell was, too, and now you really could smell something *off* at the sushi bar, something that no--one else could.

It's funny how the extended family's opinions have changed. In the beginning everybody was asking about my diet, and how to do it. Now they all just think I'm some sort of mutant or something. Whatever, I'll be a mutant...lol

They are just kidding themselves - if they think you are a mutant, then they never have to try it out for themselves. Bummer, though.

I'm 44 now. Oh I know. She will not be happy when I start doing things she can't or won't do. What are my choices though? I could sit around the house all spring and summer. Go to the occasional movie.

You definitely have to get out and do outdoor summer stuff! She may be unhappy about it, but it never helped anyone not to take care of themselves for another person. You are a leader by example, and she can follow or not.

I used to smoke, and so did my boyfriend at that time. I quit. He did not. Boy did he try to get me to start it up again, it just made him so uncomfortable that I stopped and he didn't. It would not have been better for me to start smoking again to please him, now would it? Dissolution, you must take care of yourself.

I asked my #4son'sGF (the one with U.C.) if her and her Mom had finished reading "The China Study" that I loaned them. She said, "Well, my Mom didn't really understand it. I really couldn't either." What!? This girl is studying to be a nurse, she has a 4.0 in college! I just don't understand people sometimes.

If I were the gambling type, I wager that they didn't understand it because they didn't want to hear the message.

[Katydid]

I was going through some posts on another site and came across a reference to 'DBT' as a means of dealing with difficult people and situations. I looked this up and found the following information:

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a system of therapy originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington, to treat people with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Sorry to say this made me think of your wife.

They have a series of acronyms to use when trying to get your way with someone with BPD which, while a bit cutesy, are none-the-less interesting:

The interpersonal effectiveness module focuses on situations where the objective is to change something (e.g., requesting that someone do something) or to resist changes someone else is trying to make (e.g., saying no). The skills taught are intended to maximize the chances that a person’s goals in a specific situation will be met, while at the same time not damaging either the relationship or the person’s self-respect.

DEARMAN - getting something

This acronym is used to aid one in getting what he or she wants when asking.

Describe your situation.
Express why this is an issue and how you feel about it.
Assert yourself by asking clearly for what you want.
Reinforce your position by offering a positive consequence if you were to get what you want.
Mindful of the situation by focusing on what you want and ignore distractions.
Appear Confident even if you don’t feel confident.
Negotiate with a hesitant person and come to a comfortable compromise on your request.

GIVE - giving something

This skill set aids one with maintaining his or her relationships, whether they are with friends, coworkers, family, romantic partners, etc. It is to be used in conversations.

Gentle: Use appropriate language, no verbal or physical attacks, no put downs, avoid sarcasm unless you are sure the person is alright with it, and be courteous and non-judgmental.
Interested: When the person you are speaking to is talking about something, act interested in what they are saying. Maintain eye contact, ask questions, etc. Do not use your cell phone while having a conversation with another person!
Validate: Show that you understand a person’s situation and sympathize with them. Validation can be shown through words, body language and/or facial expressions.
Easy Manner: Be calm and comfortable during conversation, use humor, smile.

FAST - keeping self-respect

This is a skill to aid one in maintaining his or her self-respect. It is to be used in combination with the other interpersonal effectiveness skills.

Fair: Be fair to both yourself and the other person.
Apologies (few): Don’t apologize more than once for what you have done ineffectively, or apologize for something which was not ineffective.
Stick to Your Values: Stay true to what you believe in and stand by it. Don’t allow others to get you to do things against your values.
Truthful: Don’t lie. Lying can only pile up and damage relationships and your self-respect.

It's a shame you've had to become a phychiatrist in order to deal with someone who should be acting as your life partner, but I do hope for her sake she eventually comes around to your way of thinking.

Kate

[carollynne]

wow to all that has gone before me here.
I must be a a rarity but after 32 years of marriage, and not worried at all about fidelity, I think it is a trust issue. I still maintain, that as the leader of the family, leaders will forge on and let the rank and file follow soon enough. Her health is falling apart, and when she has a heart attack, she will "get it", like you did!! And I think that you need not spend much time on her emotions, take care of yourself, which you are doing so good. Let her say and do what she will do, and guess what? so will you!!
When she sees that she cannot "get to you" emotionally, boom, she will quit and try another tactic.
have a good Sunday in spite of it all!! Mutant?? hah!

[Adrienne]

Your wife used to get complain because you were not getting jealous?

As for your "choices," ultimately you will have to decide what you are willing to put up with in a wife and a marriage.

However, it is very clear that you are committed to this diet/lifestyle and that is commendable. You are doing so well! And I agree with Katydid: I hope for her sake that she eventually comes around to your way of thinking/eating.

I am sure that your soup tasted great.

[MixedGrains]

In short I would be more than happy to share my food with her, but would probably need restraints and a funnel to get her to eat it.

On the bright side you could make extra cash selling the video of that on the internets!

[Debbie]

Your wife used to get complain because you were not getting jealous?

I wonder how common that is? My ex, the one I wrote about, used to get really angry cause he would try like hell to make me jealous and I just didnt get jealous. I trusted him and I guess I also figured if he's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. No use getting all upset and obsessive about it.

Now thats interesting about her jealousy when you talk to your mother. THat's odd behaviour IMO anyway. Im no expert, but jealousy about other people in your life ie. family or children, is cause for concern. I could understand her thinking and worrying about you cheating on her once you get all healthy and stuff, but why your mom?? Is she afraid youre gonna cheat on her with your mom?? I laugh, but Im also serious.

Continue to take care of yourself. Youre doing really good and hopefully soon she can see through her blindness that this isnt just some silly fad diet, real health restoral is possible for her, if she just relaxes a little bit.

[Debbie]

Wow, Debbie, that was quite a story! I am glad you made the right choices to take care of yourself. I am personally not upset that you shared that, the opposite in fact.

It wasnt really the sharing of it so much that worried me, but rather I didnt want people confusing it with just telling my story and having people think I was telling him to leave his wife. Which was why I put that after all was said and done.