Bea's Journal

[Anna Green]

Bea, you should not have told me about the floating and watching shooting stars. I'm packing the car and heading your way right now to float along side you. That sounds wonderful. What a way to end a work out. I'd be happy just to see the bats.

Melinda and Bea, It takes special people to teach. I am always grateful that you and others choose to do so.

[BHealthy]

Melinda and Anna - I love teaching and working with children. It truly is an honor to be a teacher. Melinda - I don't think people realize how hard aides and instructional assistants work either!

I managed to get in exercise 5 days last week. That's my goal for this week, too.

I got terribly hungry and emotional the other night and did some less than conscious eating - sprouted corn tortillas with hummus and veggies. I ate them quickly and didn't really enjoy them. I'm glad I noticed I'd done that. In the past I would have wondered who got into the tortillas. I figure I was way under in the calories and actually so hungry I hadn't really paid attention to it until I felt semi-ravenous and couldn't think of what to eat, was out of brown rice and didn't feel like cooking potatoes right then. Let that be a lesson to keep the fridge stocked with those grains and potatoes. It might also be a good idea to keep a list of whole food snacks to choose from when my brain isn't in gear to think of those options.

It's funny how old thinking habits pop up now. That kind of defeatest thinking - this is really impossible, who are you trying to kid. I tell myself that each moment I have 2 choices - to take care of my health or to make choices that damage my health. I know that hope for positive change comes from taking care of my health. Hope is so important. Giving in to urges/damaging habits really leads to a feeling of hopelessness. It seems like 269 pounds is an impossible amount of weight to lose. But all sorts of major life events seemed pretty darn impossible when I looked at the big picture, yet taking them step by step they were accomplished. This is no different. Step by step - each step builds hope.

At the time of the uncontrolled eating it feels like a positive rush or a drug enduced stupor/peace. However, that is very short-lived. Is a 5 to 10 second feeling of false nirvana worth it?

Does it help me achieve fitness and health? Is it helping me? Let those questions be a way to consciously make decisions.

If there is a strong emotional need to overeat - then what could I use to take care of that right now and still be taking care of my health?

I am not going to fool myself into thinking that I will not have those moments where I choose to overeat again. It's going to happen. When it does, though, I can make a choice that will take care of my health. I'm sure at first it will be a food choice - like mashed potatoes or a fruit smoothie.

New food find: Baked yams with salsa. Sweet, spicy, salty - a great combination and filling.

Now it's time for a big bowl of oatmeal with blueberries.

[Anna Green]

Bea, you are so right. I am so glad you are choosing health. Thanks for sharing tonight. It helps me too.

[Letha.]

Good evening Bea,
If it helps with perspective, let me just say I can’t wait to get down to 269 pounds – probably next spring for me. See, I’m engaging in that hope you were talking about. Speaking of yam/sweet potato toppings, I made a batch of cranberry chutney last fall that was most excellent on yams. The overall recipe had quite a bit of sugar in it but you only used a tablespoon or two on the potatoes. It was sooo good.
Letha

[Ege Bamyasi]

I hope you're not too down on yourself for doing the eating you did, Bea. It sounds like the foods you chose were fairly healthy ones, and if you were hungry or not it doesn't sound all that damaging to me. You're doing so well and there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've just had my own realization tonight that Jeanette can't possibly continue working where she is with such a horrid commute time by bus (and nobody offering up rides -- she's asked). She has to be up by 7 in the morning and considerably earlier if she hasn't cooked anything. Then she's out the door before 8 and starts work at 9. She almost never comes back through the door until 8 to 9 in the evening, depending on if there are things which need to be picked up at one of the neighborhood stores. That only gives her 3 hours or so to try and have some dinner ready for us, help clean me up and check my legs, and get herself a shower before she has to be back to sleep or end up a zombie the next day. Five days a week of that and then a sixth day off of having to run around either by bus or on foot to pay bills, shop, etc... so she might get one day of rest if something else doesn't come up.

I've asked her to go ahead and do what she'd been considering and ask to go down to part time. We're not accepting her private health insurance anyway so that doesn't matter; and besides, they keep playing these moronic games with switching the time her client is going to permanently leave the call center. One week it's end of September, then it's November, then December, then back a couple months. We both are tired of the bullcrap and we need money but not that damn badly. We could, in theory survive on just mine and Joe's disability but that assumes nothing will happen to either of the two of us and there aren't any major emergencies. As it is, I'm having her trim the food budget to the very bone. No expensive items like bell peppers if they're priced off the scale (which is more and more the case). Just basic starches, cheap veggies and bags of beans and we'll live off large batches of soup and rice or other grains. I figure that there can be one or two days of food prep and cooking every week that way, and it would be very easy to do. Hopefully someday soon my arms will actually free up without me needing surgery, and I can finally start helping out around here.

So my mood today has been one of frustration and helplessness, but still nothing as pronounced as I've felt in the past. I have to keep all of that behind me and just try to cope. That mechanism is crucial to everyone's success here, and it's human nature that we all possess it. We can apply it if we so choose and I know in the end you will, Bea.

[SandraK]

New food find: Baked yams with salsa. Sweet, spicy, salty - a great combination and filling.

I must admit when I read this entry, my first thought was: "eww". But then I remembered I used to put pineapple in candied yams, and I had just bought a new brand of pineapple salsa to try, so I decided to try it on a baked yam. Yum!! That was yesterday's lunch, and I am already looking forward to an encore today. Thanks for the suggestion.

Now it's time for a big bowl of oatmeal with blueberries.

That's what I am eating right now! (freaky)

[BHealthy]

Anna -it helps me to read what you and so many others share on this forum. It's so affirming and supportive in the journals.

Letha - that cranberry chutney sounds delightful! I also love pineapple salsa and think that would be good with sweet potatoes. At the holidays I mash sweet potatoes with pineapple, pumpkin pie spice, crushed pineapple, and orange juice/zest, lemon juice. It's totally delicious. I think I'll try mashing them with your cranberry chutney. I may be totally unrealistic - but I hope I can lose enough weight by next summer to have my knee surgeries done.

Kirk - thanks for the good wishes. I haven't been down on myself so that's a good thing. Each time I got on my scale and saw E - I started wondering if I were gaining weight instead of losing, though, because I've been eating a lot! I'm sorry you and Jeanette have to deal with all the stresses you do. You will soon be at a weight and in health to do even more to help at home. I'm noticing the expenses of what I've been eating (convenience veggies from the overpriced salad bar, organic produce, canned items - it's really too expensive for my budget as well and I need to get down to simple basics). Hang in there, Kirk. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other (so to speak ) and before we know it we are in a different, more positive place.

Sandra - did you buy that pineapple salsa from Trader Joe's? I love that salsa. I think I'll try that next on my yams. I'm glad you tested it out first for us.

Well, I CAN weigh on my scale now! This is good news. I didn't make it to the doctor's office to weight, but now my scale shows I'm at 398 - so I am officially in the 300s on my way to the 200s. I feel so fortunate that McDougalling is working well for me again. I was a little worried that being older and much less active due to the knees and having fluids on me - that I wouldn't be losing weight.

I decided not to put up ticker in my signature because it would show me how far I still had to go and I'm very visual - so it may have a more negative effect on my thinking. I'm trying to focus on the now as a way of getting to where I want to go. I've been telling myself positive messages to help retrain my brain, but could do a more consistent practice of positive thinking.

Yesterday I tried to purchase a mobility scooter but someone got there before me and the fellow sold it. At first I was disappointed because the price was so reasonable and I know I will need help moving longer distances due to the pain. If it didn't hurt so much, then I'd have no problem walking, walking, walking. Some hurt - not a problem. I tolerate a lot of pain - so that means this is hurting big time. Maybe there is a way to retrain my brain with regards to pain? I'd like that!

At the dentist yesterday I learned that I am grinding my teeth. I think I've been doing that at night and when I hurt standing/walking. I am going to have to get a mouth guard made as she (dentist) said I'd just chew up a "football mouthguard". Otherwise, the teeth are in dandy shape.

Couldn't get to see the knee doc until next week. They can inject "vegan" synovial(sp?) fluid in my knee again. It hasn't worked much in the past because he has a difficult time getting between the bones due to the bone on bone situation, but the numbing before the shot is awesome! Maybe I could inject novocaine daily in my knee and then get through everything without so much trouble. I declined the narcotics - I just hate that stuff and with my eating "addiction" I could easily get hooked on them anyway. Part of me says - hey, you did this to yourself so just live with the pain. But the truth is, I am avoiding walking so much due to it that it's not good. When I work, I have to get around quickly and walk a lot. So, the scooter for longer work distances and the cane for everywhere else will be the best. Exercising, exercising, and losing weight is my main focus now. My focus for now is - take care of yourself, heal yourself, be kind to yourself.

Okay - since last Thursday I've released 11 pounds. I will put my monthly weight in the signature - I think. If it feels weird, I might take it out. Just have to wait and see.

[Letha.]

Hey Bea, congratulations for crossing into the 300’s. 11 pounds since last Thursday is fabulous. I’m so happy for you.
Letha

[BHealthy]

Thanks, Letha. I'm happy for me, too. I know that has got to be a help to these knees.

I worked out in the pool last night and was able to swim more laps without stopping. I do about a 50-60 minute workout and the time flies past. It really is such a treat to live where there is a pool. I go late and have the pool all to myself, too.

I made a simple casserole last night: brown rice, spinach, black beans and salsa. It was very filling. I had the most delicious canteloupe, too. It truly tasted like a dessert.

Today it's oatmeal with blueberries and unsweetened soymilk for breakfast. Leftover brown rice, black bean and spinach casserole with a green salad for lunch. I plan to make curried lentils over brown rice, lightly steamed carrots, and steamed kale for dinner.

[Letha.]

Hi Bea,
Great minds think alike. I’m having curried red lentils for breakfast, lunch and dinner today. Your evening swim sounds lovely. Have a great day.
Letha

[Anna Green]

Bea, Get rid of the you deserve pain thinking. That's bull. Really! You are doing fabulous. And you really are eating enough right? 31 lbs in a month. Wow!

[sksamboots]

Thirty-One pounds -Yikes Your amazing. And look at all that swimming, I wouldn't be able to keep up

[BHealthy]

Letha - I'm kind of a make it up cook - but I'm going to cook green lentils and saute onion, carrots, kale in a little veggie broth then add curry and other spices throw in the cooked lentils, chopped tomatoes and add lite coconut milk. I'll let you know how it turns out. Tomorrow I want to make savory quinoa with onion, mushrooms, poultry seasoning and other spices. This is great with mashed yams with pineapple, orange juice and pumpkin pie spice. And balsamic vinegar marinated portabella strips - grilled or broiled and a green salad.

Anna - I am eating plenty - between 1800-2000 calories daily. I think the swimming helps. My body just likes the regular plan and seems to lose weight well with it. I'm lucky. I would feel deprived with out grain products like tortillas, bread and pasta. Too much like a diet for me. I am impressed by all the people who are so successful eating MWL. There are so many ways to get where you want to go eating this way. Everyone finds what works for them. Don't every worry about me not eating enough! That's one of the reasons I love eating this way - eat until you are full, no measuring or calorie counting. Just eat.

Sksamboots - I was carrying around a lot of extra fluids. I'm sure it has a lot to do with that. It is motivating, though to have a good weight loss start to things.

I think I might go for a swim and eat a later dinner tonight as I just had a snack of red bell pepper strips and hummus. I'm going to start taking a multi-vitamin and B complex to build up my system. I do take D drops and sublingual B12 which brought my levels back up to normal a year or so ago.

It's nice and cool - will possibly rain soon. I am looking forward to rain. So are the plants.

[sksamboots]

ooo it hasn't rained here in a long time, enjoy your night

[f1jim]

I like your thinking. I think your head is screwed on properly and your perspective is a healthy one. You have been a lot of help to people here and sometimes it just means applying the same advice to ourselves. Fight through the tough times and then discard the struggle. Just throw it away and be done with it. Be truly in tune with what your body needs, not what it temporarily wants. Let's not kid ourselves. The food thing is a powerful addiction and the same rules apply. Defeat it and banish it.
f1jim