Dissolution's Solution

[Timkerbelle]

What a lovely, insightful post, Peasouper. I know it was aimed at Dis, but there are wise words there for us all. Thank you.

[nicoles]

What Peasouper said!

Timkerbell - I agree, very insightful and lovely, Peasouper!

[Dissolution]

Debbie Glad to see you are still around also. It's been fun the past few months, maintaining. I think I've proven to myself that I can eat this way for life, and maintain weight loss. Like I said, despite my best efforts. The Beast has been out and feeding, it's just that's it's vegan now.

Norm Thanks Norm. BTW you're amazing!

I thought about saying something like that, but it just seemed like such a stupid thing for her to say, I didn't feel like trying to have any kind of logical debate with her.

peasouper Wow, what a great post, and such great advice!

Facing your own mortality is a big event, and at one point was one of the lowest of my life. What was even lower though, was knowing that those cheeseburgers I was ordering at the drive-thru were killing me, and not being about to stop it.

I have become very used to eating this way. I have no intention of changing the way I am eating, other than "cleaning" it up a little. I would like nothing more than for the wife to "come on board", but for now, she continues to be my adversary.

Timkerbelle I agree!

nicoles I know, right?

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My gym trips keep getting cut short due to business clients, but I was able to make it 3 times last week. Angina is retreating already.

The wife got home late Tuesday night. She brought home 5 pounds of candy from a bulk candy store, and a couple of pounds of dates for me. Dates are a special treat for me, maybe once or twice a month I will buy 4 or 5 from the bulk section in or grocery store. While her gesture of buying them for me was well intentioned, I wish she hadn't, because I ate them all in a few days.

She also brought home a "Crave Case" from White Castle. This is a box of 30 of those little hamburgers. It used to be one of my favorite foods of all time.

We returned the rental car on Wednesday and stopped by the grocery store on the way home. I bought $9 worth of groceries, she spent $190. Including 10 boxes of Tasty Cake treats that were on sale. She also kept trying to get my to buy some kind of "chips" for myself, but everything she held up I rejected. Even though some of them were "legal", I know I have a problem with self control and those types of food, it's best just to not have them around.

Last December two of my sons kind of picked on me about always wearing black sneakers and white socks, they both suggested I buy a pair of loafers to wear for work, and black socks of course. I picked up a pair of black "non-leather" loafers and have been wearing them to work ever since. The reason I mention this is because I am getting ready to go to the gym Yesterday, and I am wearing gym clothes and packing up my work clothes into my gym bag, As I am preparing to strap my loafers to the top of my gym bag, my way says, "Those are a little fancy for work aren't they?". To which my reply was, "Ummm, I've been wearing these everyday for almost a year now." She disagreed....Go figure.

One of the things she bought at the grocery store on Wednesday was miniature pie pans. I came home last night and the house smelled great. She was in the process of baking mini pumpkin pies. Were any of them vegan? Of course not. Now what is going to happen is, the kids might eat one or two, but then middle of next week, she's going to have to throw the rest away and then go into a crying rant about how nobody will eat her food anymore. I don't want to hear it. She couldn't have made a couple in such a way as I could eat them, but she didn't. If I was mean, I would make some of my own.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

[JohnLarson]

At least the pies smelled good. I am glad you share about your wife. It makes dealing with mine easier.

Do you still have the treadmill at home?

[Debbie]

It makes me so sad to hear that after all this time that she is still an adversary instead of a partner. I really thought given time she'd at the very least would be supportive. I am however very happy to hear of your resolve in not eating her temptations. Keep on going. You're doing great.

[janluvs2heel]

What a lovely, insightful post, Peasouper. I know it was aimed at Dis, but there are wise words there for us all. Thank you.

I have not posted in here much because to be honest, I am a little embarrassed about how some of the women in here cannot understand how your wife may feel. She is just a bitch, she is this, she is that. Especially what one person here has posted, can you imagine if she came in here & read your Journal? She is insecure, but her way of dealing with it is pushing you away. I thought that Sue (peasouper) hit the nail on the head with her post. She has lost her partner, her partner in what she thought was a great life, eating together, getting fat together, etc. Now it has all changed. It isn't that she does not love you or wants you to die, a major change takes time to adjust to. So it has been a year, but now she sees this man she married, how attractive he is, etc. She is vulnerable. Despite her health problems & her need to lose weight, she hides behind an armour she put in front of herself. To protect herself. Behind that armour, she is still the woman you married & love.
Personally I think that if you stop pushing her & just do your own thing, don't listen to her rants. Tell her no thank you when she offers you stuff you dont want to eat. That is it. If she wants to be ungrateful, that is her choice.
I remember when I was married, I was so insecure about my weight, I was not that heavy but my x-husband constantly would make comments about say, Farrah Fawcett, what a beautiful body she had or how cute she was, etc. It made me feel horrible. Then he would add fuel to the fire & say, well, I married you. Like that was supposed to make me feel better, because yeah, he was a contender for Farrah's hand in marriage. Anyway, insecurity is a hard one.

I hope that you hang in there. You can do this yourself, you have already shown that. Just roll with the punches. The less you engage her & argue with her, the better off you will be. Maybe she will join you, maybe she won't. She is not a bad person because she is not ready to lose her weight. She does not deserve to be treated badly or called names because she does not wish to embrace this life style at this time. Maybe she never will, but she could still lose weight, when she is ready.

I always think of the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Just be the husband that you are & always have been, fat or thin.

[Debbie]

I agree with most of what you wrote.

I wonder how happy my life with my husband would be if I was trying really hard to stay on plan but he kept making or bringing home things he knew were my absolute favorite? I wonder how much I'd use my journal to vent about him? While hes not perfect, if he knows Im trying really hard and he wants to eat off plan, he does it outside the home. He wouldn't bring home an x large family size pizza for "himself" if he knew I was trying. He might it eat out, but that is different.

I think there is a difference between being insecure and being a saboteur. I totally agree with the name calling, I remember a couple of those posts by others. But saying she's an adversary is not name calling. Even if she has no intentions of eating this way, it would have been absolutely nothing to set aside a few ingredients and make a pie for Diss that he could eat. Instead she brought home white castle burgers, a CASE OF 30?!?! And made how many mini pumpkin pies and not a single one with okay ingredients? Then tried to get him to buy chips for himself? While I wouldnt call her a B, I dont know what you call that. She could very well come up with healthy alternatives for him but she refuses. IMO his wife is not just insecure she is actively trying to sabotage his efforts. ^shrug^ IDK

Which is why he needs this journal and "us". We get it. Maybe not on the wife front. But how many of us have had people try so hard to get us to eat unhealthy foods cause "they cant let go of how our relationship with them and food used to be?" People can be very unsupportive out there. But a spouse should not be. Someones head must be in blinders if you could look at Diss over the past year and NOT see that this way of eating has changed him for the better health wise.

[fulenn]

Peasouper, what a great post! You have such compassion for both parties in this situation that Dissolution--and many others--finds himself in. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Dissolution, you are doing a great job, I have not interpreted your comments as mean-spirited at any time; rather, I have heard your frustration with and desire to help your wife with the change you are going through. I am often surprised at the things your wife has come up with, but gratified that they have caused much self-examination as I watch my own spouse do things that are meaningful to him but not so much to myself. I continue to hope for the day that she cooks up some wonderful things for you (that you will pass the recipes along to us for) and enjoy eating healthy with you. Until then, keep on taking care of yourself and remembering that you have a lot of people rooting for you.

Fulenn

[Dissolution]

JohnLarson Welcome, and looks like you are doing great!

Yes, I still have the treadmill at home. I haven't used it in quite a while. One reason is it doesn't do well at anything above 3.5 miles and hour, the belt tends to slip, making is dangerous. At the gym I typically alternate between 4.3 mph and 6.3 mph on my walk/jogs. I might be able to tighten or replace the belt on mine. Also #3 son lives in the basement, so most of the times that would want to use the treadmill, he is sleeping. See I have lots of excuses for not using the treadmill at home.

janluvs2heel You bring up some interesting points. I will be the first to admit, that you guys are only getting my side of things, and I'm sure that paints her in a worse light than if someone was getting both sides of the situation.

I'm also curious about how you think I am pushing her, I mean maybe I am and just don't see it. I just do my own thing, I listen to her rants and I haven't tried to convince her that eating this way would be healthy for her in months. I don't think I've even brought it up this calender year, unless she launched an attack first. Facts are useless against her, so I really haven't bothered.

My wife is insanely jealous. I never mention other women to her. She even gets jealous if I have lunch with my Mother. The other day she was picking me up from work and I happened to exit the building the same time as a pretty young lady. The woman told me to have a good weekend, I responded in kind. My wife was pissed for the entire hour long ride home.

I get frustrated with her, but I don't feel she has been mistreated ere, and certainly not at home. You seem to be able to identify with her though, so any clarification you could provide would be appreciated.

While it would not be a good thing for my wife to read this journal, I've said nothing in here that is not true, and that I would not stand behind. Sometimes I think I should show it to her, so maybe she will understand, then I sober up...lol

Debbie You are right, I need this place to vent. I know sometimes I sound depressed and it seems my marriage is on the verge of blowing apart, and maybe it is.

Honestly the burgers didn't bother me all that much. It was part of the ritual when we drove through Columbus, to stop at White Castle.

The pies were a little more hurtful. She made a dozen. To her way of thinking though, asking her to make something vegan that would normally require milk and eggs, would be like asking somebody to switch religions.

We have come to the truce where, if it is a holiday or an event where she has to cook for lots of people, she will make vegan dishes for me, to keep me out of the kitchen. And what she makes is always wonderful and I tell her and thank her repeatedly. She will not make anything for me at any other time.

I chose the word adversary very carefully. To me it means someone who takes an opposing position, while still allowing for a positive emotional connection.

fulenn I've pretty much decided that the only possible way for me to help her is to help myself. All efforts to convince her that this way of eating is for the best, stopped months ago. Like I've said, she's immune to facts.

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The family was celebrating 3 Birthdays, so we all went to a steak house. As I began to order my side dishes, the waitress asked if I was going to order an entree, to which I explained that I was vegan and she said, "I'm sorry". The family thought that was funny.

It was an excellent meal, although I ate some peanuts. The plans by #3 to give me his broccoli were foiled by the butter they had added to it. At least mine came out clean.

Getting ready to go to the gym and do a big workout. I'll probably be sore as hell tomorrow.

[Adrienne]

Diss if you feel your wife is insanely jealous then obviously your problems with her go way beyond food. (I think I said this months ago). Have you ever discussed marriage counseling with her?

Also from reading your journal I get the impression that you have been rather patient with your wife and I don't agree with Jan's interpretation that you have been pushing her. I think the fact that your 4 stepsons - her biological children - said that they would side with you should the two of you separate speaks volumes.

Since you gave us a one year health update, how would you rate the situation with you and your wife compared to a year ago or even 6 months ago? Are things better or worse or the same?

[scooterpie]

The wife has been out of town since last Thursday. It makes me sad to say I've really enjoyed not having her around. I cooked whatever I wanted without being concerned about her bitching about it. Saturday morning, after my trip to the local farmers market, I stopped in a vegetarian/vegan friendly cafe and had breakfast. Not only would I never get the wife into that cafe, she would be pissed to know I even went there (cause it's a "hippie" place).

Don't prolong the inevitable too long--life is short (like I need to remind a heart attack survivor--what the hell do I know really). You sooo deserve to have a life partner who is at least as loving of life as you are:-)

And if it takes awhile to find that person, sounds like you'd be sooo much better on your own.

Congrats on a year of success--I hope it continues for you--take good care of yourself!

[peasouper]

Hi Dis

I thought it was funny that the waitress needed to commiserate with you on being a vegan My stepmother pronounces it vaygan and I say 'yes I am from the planet vaygus'

Pies need pastry so would contain alot of fat, anything pastry like for pies might need stuff like cashew nuts which also contain alot of fat and nuts, as Caldwell Esselstyn has said in his book, make him 'nervous'. So I would n't even encourage your wife to make you any.

Sounds like your wife is a bulk buyer and baker, maybe she needs a proper outlet for her prodigous talents, one where she can properly be appreciated. Perhaps she could bake for a local cafe or eatery? How about she takes some of the pies that are n't going to be eaten to be sampled by these places? Or you could take them round Just a suggestion.

Don't let her get to you. You are doing so well. Keep up the exercise and look after yourself.

Best wishes Sue

[Melinda]

Good to read your journal again Dis! I always look for it!

[Lesliec1]

(It must be awful for you to get so much unsolicited advice! So invasive. And yet it's just because you seem so likable and people want to help.)

Just food for thought- trying to see things from your wife's point of view:

If I heard about any couple where the husband was growing or expanding or changing significantly, I would think “Yikes, I hope that wife is super self-confident because that’s gonna be a hard time for her. She's going to feel left behind.” Change is so stressful and in your case, not only are you changing and growing but you’re getting more attractive in the process. That could be really scary for her! How would the average person feel if they stayed the same and their spouse kept getting more attractive? I would think she'd be terrified of you leaving her and that’s a stress that can eat someone up over time.

Plus on top of that, she possibly eats a lot of sugar (been there!) which could whack out her moods. Some people have dramatic food/mood problems. Mine were very severe and chocolate was the worst. For me, sugar makes me sad and chocolate makes me bitchy. So I just wanted to mention that because if her moods are up and down it might help you to pay attention to what, if anything triggers it. Can you stop it? No. But at least you can be smarter and maybe know when NOT to engage and leave the room or the house. (I had a boss point out my chocolate problem. How embarrassing. I’d be bitchy some days and she’d say “I KNOW you had chocolate last night!?! I would deny it but she was right. To this day I'm grateful that I learned that about myself.)

And yes, as you say, we only hear your side. Can I play devils advocate and ask you to imagine what she might see from her side? Do you make comments about her eating in your head – except they show on your face? Are you smug or dismissive about her poor eating without knowing it? The pie incident was hurtful but was she retaliating for something you did or said to hurt her? Do you subconsciously team up with the kids so she feels even more alone? Do you think you’re fighting for the marriage but really you're not? If not, why not? If you’re the one who’s healthier at this point in time, isn’t it the responsibility of the “strong one” to help the one who’s weaker, sicker or sadder? Don't forget "in sickness and in health"! For me - I did forget that and it took a marriage counselor to remind me. Maybe other couples need to be reminded too.

Anyway, who am I to give advice? Nobody, but I just wanted to try to represent her side in case it's helpful. I learned from our marriage counselor that many of us have buried fears, many about the future. My husband fears not having enough money in the future (I didn't know and can't relate) and I fear my health in the future (he didn't know and can't relate.) Wrapped up in our own fears, we couldn't help each other at all. Kind of a tragedy when couples get like that. It's possible that your wife and maybe you too, have some fears that you don't recognize. Fears lead to stress and all kinds of complications. Maybe you're afraid of your health in the future and she's afraid of being left.

Anyway, sorry to get so heavy.

[Debbie]

Seriously, my first response to your post (assuming this is what the wife is feeling) would be How old is she?? I mean, she is an adult woman with 3? adult children.

How would the average person feel if they stayed the same and their spouse kept getting more attractive?

IMO that is her problem. She refuses to change. EVERYBODY changes. We always do or we die.

Do you make comments about her eating in your head – except they show on your face?...The pie incident was hurtful but was she retaliating for something you did or said to hurt her?

Again I go back to, How old is she? 15? This is something girls do to others in high school NOT YOUR HUSBAND. "He looked at my bacon and egg sandwich sideways; I'll get back at him and make 12 pumpkin pies that he can NOT eat; That'll show him to make faces at me"

Im seriously not being &itchy here. When he married her it might have been in sickness and health but when she married him it was also for better or worse and in sickness and health.

While yes we only have his side, he grew and she refuses to. My husband has made so many changes in the past 4 years my head spins. BUT he is making changes for the better of our family. If I dont change with him, what am I? We all grow we all change. Its not fair to say he should stay sick and fat to keep her happy, which appears by what Dis writes that she would be happy with. She wants him eating all the same stuff that gave him a heart attack to begin with, kept him fat all those years just so SHE doesnt have to change and be uncomfortable?

My husband owned his own business. I, I had dreams of adding on to it. He HATED it. I spent about a month angry for selling it, cause I had plans for it. He now works 6 days a week and goes to school 2 days at night. If I sat here and resented him and stayed angry for changing MY PLANS, we would never work out. And to say Im uncomfortable would be an understatement. But We are adults here. Be insecure. I am sometimes about a lot of things. But, my husband and I are a team. And Dis and his wife are supposed to be too. Why should he stay stagnate in an unhealthy state just to keep her happy? Should he stroke out so she has no one? While I like the idea of the it takes 18 months for change to happen, she is not a child. She is a 40 something year old woman.

Its her choice to not follow this way of eating. Its also her choice to either just keep quiet and support her husband by not constantly trying to ruin him. And it is also her choice to make her marriage absolutely miserable by continuing on with what she has been doing for these last 12 months.

Hopefully Im not being offensive here. Not trying to be. This is just how I see things. I really think husbands and wives should be supporting each other just about unconditionally. If you cant trust your spouse to be your biggest supporter and biggest fan then who will be?