Dissolution's Solution

[Dissolution]

Adrienne It's hard to say whether or not things are better or worse. We don't openly fight as much about food. But we sure haven't grown any closer. Intimacy is pretty much non existent. If she doesn't see me brush my teeth and gargle, she will recoil away from me kissing her in disgust claiming that my breath reeks. She also claims I have horrible BO.

I'm pretty sure it's all in her head. I'm eating no single food substance or spice often enough to cause a problem like she is describing. I could see how she might have a point if I was eating garlic daily or peppers or something, but my food intake is varied enough that there should not be any problem like that.

I floss, I brush my teeth and tongue, I use mouth wash, and still she will ask me to face away from her in bed. So it makes being affectionate with her difficult.

scooterpie Sound advise. It is something to consider.

peasouper The wife's dream job would be to own her own bakery/cafe. The problem is she couldn't do the work. About 2 or 3 hours is all she is capable of being on her feet.

She had made crust-less pumpkin pie before, back when we on Atkins. Just figured she might have decided to use some of the pumpkin in another way. I just counted, there are 10 out of the original 12 pies still left in the fridge.

Melinda Thanks!

Lesliec1 I guess if I didn't want advise, or to at least open things up for discussion I could have just written my thoughts down in a private diary. But for me the interaction with everybody here is the real key.

I understand completely that a middle aged man losing weight and getting into shape sets off all kind of alarm bells in a wife. I try to be sensitive to that. But let me explain the fight we will be having later this year. I bowl on a Tuesday night men's bowling league with my #2 son. Later this year, he will be getting a 90 day deployment over seas. My wife will expect me to quit bowling, since I will no longer have a "chaperon" on Tuesday nights. Mind you, I have never cheated on her, or done anything even remotely considered unfaithful. The only reason I can go golfing without fights, is because I'm always going with our sons.

I make no comments or faces about what she eats. I will buy anything she wants at the grocery store, and I will "order for her" at nicer restaurants. For our last cookout, she asked me to make the hamburger patties and I declined, but I did wind up peeling a bunch of shrimp and pulling some BBQ'd pork off the bone. I have noticed though, that if she is going to cook, she will generally have it done before I get home.

I do get more attention from our son's. Especially the ones that don't live with us. I see #1 at least once a week, and she could go more than a month without seeing him. I see #2 a couple of times a week. Now with the golfing season coming to a close, it'll be less often.

She hates me going to the gym, by myself. I admit, I did sell her on the idea of me getting a membership based on the fact that I could go to the gym with #1 and #2. The problem came about with #2 not ever wanting to go to the gym and #1 being unpredictable (he might go 3 times in one week, once at 7am, once at 8pm, and then 2 pm the next time and then not going again for 3 weeks).

Debbie She's 48, and our children are 27,26,25 and 22.

I own my own business as well (Actually I think I own 1/3, business partner owns 1/3 and wife owns 1/3), and sometimes she will point out that we are following my dreams, and she has had to sacrifice her dreams. My dream is to get paid. Do I enjoy what I do, I guess I'm pretty good at it, but I sure as heck wouldn't be doing it if I won the lottery or if I could make as much money helping her run a bakery or something.

I think one of our biggest issues, as far as food is concerned is she doesn't recognize or understand food addiction. In her mind all I had to do was eat less and everything would have been fine, but instead I would rather eat more and find the diet she would hate the most and do that.

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Sunday wasn't a good day. #1 son cancelled our go to the gym together appointment. I told the wife I was going to the gym anyways, she got all pissed off. Well, I have learned something over the years (she just wanted me to feel guilty for going, so I used reverse guilt). I just went back into the computer room and did nothing for a half hour or so, then she asked me why I wasn't going to the gym. I told her because she had thrown a fit, she brushed it off and said I should go. So I went.

The workout went well, and I am sore as hell. My mistake being I had done some "welcome back to weight lifting" upper body stuff the week before, but had not done so with legs and core. So my legs and abs are still sore today.

Without going into an enormous amount of detail I'll just explain that there is a TV show (Dexter) that comes on Sunday night that I wanted to record. Ideally the kids and I would all watch it in the living room, but my wife hates this show (she has never seen it) so we are not "allowed" to watch it on "her" TV. I could go into the basement and watch it, but #3 son isn't the best housekeeper and I prefer not to spend much time down there. I could have watched it on our 30" tube TV in the bedroom. But I would prefer to watch it in HD on our 51" plasma. I set the program to record, and explained to her that I would watch it in the morning, before she woke up. Our DVR is fully capable of recording two shows at a time, or recording one show and watching a different show.

She's been furious with me ever since. She told me not to record it, I ignored her. She says I'm a bully. I'm not sure I see it that way. Last week when she was not home, 4 of us sat in that room at watched the show. So even if I had insisted that the 4 of us watch it Sunday night, I'm still not sure that would be me being a bully.

I'll admit, the spare bedroom at #2's house is looking better all the time.

She has accused me of turning her into a bitch, so that I will have a reason to leave. Not sure if that's how she actually feels, or just a ploy to keep me from leaving.

Sorry guys, I guess I've gotten pretty far off the food track.

I was stressed yesterday and took it out in food. I think I do that too often. I'm still avoiding all animal products, but I ate some things yesterday that weren't really on plan either. So I've decided that starting today I'm going to do the negative reinforcement food journal. That means I'm only going to list foods that I probably shouldn't have eaten. Let's see how this goes...haha

Happy Tuesday everybody!

[peasouper]

Hi Dis

You don't sound like a bully to me.

Carry on bowling and going to the gym and recording any tv program you like. This is the right of every free, adult human being living in a democracy who has the cash and the correct equipment.

I am sending you a hug.

Sue

[Adrienne]

Diss, as you said, Scooterpie gave you sound advice a few days ago. I really hope you do consider it.

Great idea to start tracking your food!

[nicoles]

Wow, Dissolution, I have to say, I really feel for you. I am glad that you are getting some of the support you need from this forum, and glad you have returned to posting more regularly.

I cannot say I blame you for having a hard time right now, sounds like you are getting to the core of the struggle between you and your wife, and something big is gonna have to give soon.

Trust yourself, and take care of yourself. You sound like a very decent person, and your wife sounds very scared, among other things. I imagine you are scared too, of some of the potential outcomes of this situation.

When it comes down to it, no matter what you choose, if it is for the greater good for all involved (including you!), it will be the right choice.

{{HUGS}}

[Dissolution]

peasouper Thanks Sue.

Adrienne #2 son was trying to get me to move in with him. Not sure if he is concerned about his Mother and I or just wants a room mate....haha He even tried to sweeten the deal with claiming we could golf all the time.

I'm really bad at emotional confrontation. My wife seems to know emotional jiu-jitsu. Almost every time in the past where I have tried to share with her what is bothering me about our relationship, she is able to turn it back on me somehow and I always wind up feeling like the bad guy.

What I really need to tell her is; "Stop being such a bitch or I'm moving out." Sounds harsh, but might be the best way to do it.

nicoles Yeah, something is going to have to give, one way or another in the near future. We're planning a trip to another state in a couple of weekends, should be seeing lots of people who we haven't seen in a year or more. And we'll have a hotel room to ourselves. Maybe we can work on things then.

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Bad things I ate Yesterday:

I had two whole wheat bagels with dinner last last night, which consisted of a salad from a grocery store salad bar. The bagels are animal product free, but still more processed than I should be eating. Bread is a big weakness for me. I was going to only have one bagel, but the damned things were hot, never had a hot bagel before, they were really good.

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I was at bowling last night, some of the guys from the other team and #2 were picking on each other. I chimed in at some point and made the statement that I was married to #2's mother. The one older got looked confused, and then said "You're his father?!" I said "Yes, step-father." The older gentleman then said, "But you look younger than he does?" That's always a great ego boost. Even when it's from an old guy...haha

The wife and I had to discuss business yesterday morning, so I guess we're back on speaking terms.

Combination of being busy and sore has interfered with my gym intentions so far this week.

Happy Wednesday all!

[Chile]

What I really need to tell her is; "Stop being such a bitch or I'm moving out." Sounds harsh, but might be the best way to do it.

Years ago, my husband "ambushed" me with a statement kind of along the same lines, although I wasn't accused of being a bitch. At the time I was focusing a lot of my attention on him - trying to make sure he was taken care of, especially since he was working full-time (at a job he hated) while I was not employed. He told me that if I did not start focusing on doing things for myself, he was going to leave me.

While it was incredibly difficult at the time, it turned out to be good in the long run. I found the needed balance to do those things I needed to do to keep the home running smoothly for us while also doing more things to develop and nurture myself.

In reality, this may hit closer to home with your situation than it appears at first glance. Your wife seems to be focusing all her energies on you, albeit the opposite of how I was doing it. Instead of doing things for you, she is finding fault with everything you do. She needs to turn her attention to herself - her life, her choices, her needs - and do what she needs to do to be happy. Nobody else, not even you, can make her happy. That comes from within.

I suspect that the prospect of figuring out what she needs to do in order to be happy is so terrifying to her that she instead keeps focusing outward. Maybe this will give you another way to approach her, however: a way of loving concern about her well-being rather than simply being fed-up with her being so critical of you all the time.

[Adrienne]

Sounds like you already know what you gotta do regarding the situation with your wife.

That's great that someone thought you looked younger than your stepson! You are 44 and son #2 is 27, is that correct?

[zippy]

Hi Dis,
Read your journal over the past week. Enjoyed it throughly and have learned a great deal. I'm obese, diabetic, and have a bad back to name only a few of my health issues. Over the last five months I've lost 40 lbs and seen some improvement health wise.

I've found it hard to change my whole relationship with food and I've had the support of my family. Can't imagine how difficult it would be to eat this plant based diet if I had someone in the household actively trying to sabatoge me. I have no words of wisdom, no advice, only hope you continue taking care of yourself and keep posting. Reading about your journey gives me hope that I too can lose the weight and get my life back.

[Dissolution]

Chile Excellent advice. It does bring a different perspective to the situation. I'll figure out a time and way to approach her on this.

Adrienne #2 son will be 26 next month. I also have facial hair and #2 son doesn't.

Which brings up a funny story. About 6 months ago I trimmed my beard and mustache with electric trimmers, I just attached one of those spacers and went to town. The wife was furious. She doesn't like me getting hair cuts either. She was so mad she threw the trimmers away. So I told her the other day that she needed to help me by trimming up my beard and mustache, she declined. I told her if she didn't do it, I was going to shave both of them off completely. So she trimmed them for me....haha Guess that's me being a bully.

zippy Hiya Zippy and welcome!

What I eat has changed, I'm not sure how much my relationship with food has changed. I still over-eat emotionally sometimes. I still obsess over food, I think. Like this morning, before I even started cooking breakfast I was thinking about what I was going to do for lunch. Whether I wanted to eat out (Wendy's, Subway or Panera Bread), or what I was going to make to take with me. Now 14 months ago, I probably wouldn't have thought about lunch until I was trying to decide which fast food place to go to.

The wife has been very adversarial, but I think that might be part of the reason I have been largely successful. If she had remained sweet and loving and enabling, things might have not worked out as well, I don't know.

I know my recent plateau is mostly due to me feeling SO much better than I used to, that part of me feels I'm done, I've achieved great success, that things couldn't get any better. I know they can, hell I'm still obese according to BMI.

Another reason for my lack of recent weight loss is me drifting more towards low-fat vegan rather than McDougall. Something I'm attempting to remedy with my bad food report.

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Bad things I ate Yesterday:

We went to a steakhouse for lunch, the kind with peanuts on the table, I was able to resist for a while, but in the end wound up eating two handfuls of peanuts in the shell. I did try and make up for it later by having a mono-meal of lots of brussels sprouts.

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My business partner is stopping by this evening to drop of a piece of equipment he is loaning us. He loves my wife's cooking and she enjoys cooking for him. She gave him some choices and he picked lasagna. She told me she is going to make me a vegan lasagna. She bought some soy cheese (I know I know, it'll be on my bad food report tomorrow), and mushrooms to use instead of meat. She made sure the noodles were dairy free. Then I got into trouble. We had this conversation in the grocery store last night.

Me: You know what you could use in place of ricotta in my lasagna?
Wife: (suspiciously) What?
Me: Mashed potatoes!
Wife: That's disgusting! In lasagna?!
Me: Yeah, it would be good. I made enchiladas once with mashed potatoes as the filling.
Wife: But plain mashed potatoes wouldn't hold together and without butter would have no taste.
Me: Well, you would use soy milk and nutritional yeast.
Wife: How can you ask me to use that stuff (nutritional yeast)!? It smells disgusting and looks like something I used to scrape off ** *** ****** ** *** ******* ****. (BTW if anybody wants to know what she actually said, PM me, I wouldn't want to make anyone nauseous.)
Me: It's good, I like it.
Wife: Don't you realize how insulting you're being!?
Me: Ummm...No...
Wife: I can't believe would suggest that. How could you expect me to use that stuff?
Me: I didn't realize it would be an issue.

I think she cried on the way home, and then didn't speak for another hour or so. I'm not entirely sure what I did wrong, I think it involved me "telling her how to cook".

Good day all!

[didi]

Stop subtly arguing with her even when she is trying.

Didi

[Lasko77]

I am really enjoying your journal. I am in awe by people who have no support at home but keep plugging along.

I don't have much support either BUT, big BUT, my husband will happily eat my cooking. I know I am lucky for that. He does not complain. He may roll his eyes, but he does not complain.

Why doesn't your wife want you to cut your hair? Usually wives are nagging hubbys to cut their hair or trim their beard. LOL! My husband loves going for a haircut, I think he goes every 2 weeks. I honestly can't imagine giving him a hard time about it let alone throwing something at him.

Anyway, great journal and it sounds to me like you are doing great!

[zippy]

Rip Esselstyn's "Raise the Roof" sweet potato lasagna with plenty of vegetables: mushrooms, broccoli, bell peppers and corn would really gross your wife out. My youngest daughter loves it and has been begging me to make it again. I consider it to be a special occasion type meal because it has tofu and cashews in it.


http://engine2diet.com/recipe/raise-the ... o-lasagna/

[Lesliec1]

I have to agree with didi. Try to see her side. I think she feels that food is her area and she may need to control it- which is wrong but she's human.

She was looking forward to this dinner and cooking for your business partner. And cooking for you - finally!! And then you had to make suggestions that implied that her idea wasn't good enough. You certainly meant no harm but she thought "No wonder I never cook for him. I was really trying and he just insulted my cooking. I can't win."

I personally am not that sensitive and I'm never jealous so I don't understand her- at all. But I do have sympathy for her. She has so little in life it seems. What else does she have besides her cooking?

I have to ask- what did you do when she cried on the way home?

[Katydid]

There's actually a recipe in one of the McDougall cookbooks for mashed potato stuffed pasta. You use either large shells or manicotti. Make the mashed potatoes exactly like what you suggested (potatoes, garlic powder, nutirtional yeast) and stuff into partially cooked noodles. Cover with pasta sauce and bake in the oven to finish off softening the noodles. I've made this for company in the past, and everybody loves it.
Kate

[Melinda]

You're doing great Dis! Glad to see you back posting! Seems like the opinions here run the gamut - I would not tolerate that in a relationship and would end the relationshship. I disagree that you are not being understanding - you are spending a LOT of time tiptoeing around a very manipulative immature abusive woman. My husband and I have been happily together for 25 years, but were both married previously to somewhat emotionally abusive spouses. My husband's ex was somewhat like your wife. I had been with my husband for almost 13 years (dating and married) when I left him in my late 20's. I knew for years that although I loved him, I was living a lie. I knew I didn't want to be with him, but kept avoiding making the change - because I was not ready. Finally it came to the point that I looked down the road and asked myself how I wanted my life to be at age 40 - which seemed incredibly old to me then! I knew that if I didn't leave then, that I would not have the inner strength in the future, as I felt so beaten down, and I could only see me having a very unhappy life. When I finally left, I was so happy - co-workers later told me they thought I was having a breakdown as I was so happy! In the long run, we became friends, although we are no longer in touch since he lives very far away. I have never regretted it, and have a very happy life. I also would have had a very happy life if I had remained single - I JUST FELT FREE! Sorry if this is too much info! Life is short, and one becomes used to being mistreated, and we ratiionalize it, not to our benefit.