bunsofaluminum's journal

[kirstykay]

Yay for you!!! 196-Wow!! You really ARE leaving the 200s in the dust! Goodbye forever! Glad you had a good first day of MM. I posted my day in the thread you started. Hope you have another great day!

[raven]

Hi Heidi,
Your new VS stuff and clothes sounds great. I bet you will turn some heads.

When you finish your MM, you might want to look at a creamy dressing i invented for you when you first said you wanted something creamy. I wanted you to find it for yourself, but oh well:

http://www.lowfatvegancooking.org/?p=2322

Have a great time with your new body, food plan, and your ever great attitude!
Raven

[ncyg46]

wow that sounds good...will have to try it!

[bunsofaluminum]

Raven! that's amazing! what a special person you are, how warm and glowing you make me feel

I'm definitely going to give it a try as soon as my mini is over. I posted at your blog, too. It really does look SO terrific. (((HUG)))

[raven]

Thanks, Heidi. I love a cooking challenge.... creamy but no tofu... took me a couple of days of thinking.

Hope it hits the spot!
Raven

[bunsofaluminum]

What. A. Day.

Eating, I did good, but dealing with people was not fun today. One client completely lost it at the center, necessitating intervention from both bosses, and setting off two other clients. And i get to go pick him up tomorrow. Hm, I didn't hear him use the "n" word, so maybe he is making progress, but I have gotten to a place of very little compassion for this guy...and I'm his favorite staff

And for my afternoon client, it was a Dr appointment. Mr E is in a lot of pain, chronically, from a very tonic arm and really his whole left side is hyper-tonic all the time. Plus, his teeth are literally rotting out of his mouth...because he eats almost nothing but sweets. The docs are recommending morphine to be included with his daily baclofen, which comes to him from an internal pump. I'm pretty sure the morphine would make a huge difference in this man's life, like maybe even allow him to sleep through the night? Well, his parents are digging in their heels at the idea. And today, the doctor told them he can't prescribe percoset or lortabs for him, because he isn't the regular, diagnosing doctor.

I struggle very hard with judgmentalism here, because they are withholding something from their son that could transform his life, and it ticks me off. (not to mention how EXTREMELY EASY it is to microwave a sweet potato, WHICH HE LOVES and which is soft enough for him to eat easily...but they feed him CRAP and he's wasting away) But I'm just the aide. I did say that maybe the pain clinic could answer some of their questions...but didn't offer my opinion otherwise.

So, we went to the doctor, the doctor told them he could refer them to a pain clinic (YESSS!) but he could not prescribe the meds they were asking for. We finished the little bit of running around and got home, and the dad lost it and started a huge stupid fight with the mom WITH THE AIDE in the house. and the exhausted son sitting there, saying quietly "My dad's full of hot air" and asking me to tell him to be quiet. Uh, no. And, because we were out and about, I didn't have the usual nuked sweet potato, and was very hungry before I left there. Tired, foggy low blood sugar brain.

then after I had some dinner, I went to the group therapy that I volunteer in, and had to hear of some foolishness with unhappy consequences that one of the guys had gone through over the week. He did make some stupid decisions, and had some minor ugly consequences but nothing huge, but still...he's struggling so hard and acting like a dang 16 year old, and isn't getting his life together.

but through it all, I ate well. And at one point, I was picking up french fries and shakes for the Junk Food Client (dinner? ) and driving with those fries in the car, and I was HUNGRY, and no one would ever know if I had one...well, I didn't. They smelled good, but they're not on MY DIET! yah!

now it's time to hit the hay. Maybe I'll sleep through the night. aaaah.

[kirstykay]

Buns,
You deserve a (((((HUG)))))) and a GOLD MEDAL for that day!!! Wow! I am impressed that you ignored those fries! Great Job! You did it!!

I hope tomorrow is a much happier and peaceful day. You are AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

[ncyg46]

keep in there....hugs!

[raven]

Hi Heidi,
Wow. What a really long, hard day. And you did so well with the food.

It is so hard to watch people hurt themselves, and others, but a lot of times the best thing to say is nothing. I feel just knowing the truth can change the energy if they are ready to know it, but i don't think anything but what you did can help when people are tired and upset. Obviously, you know your job. It can't be easy. Life isn't easy.

I hope you can find the time to do something nice this weekend.
Raven

[bunsofaluminum]

just the fastest ever drop by, to say today was better. It started off very rough, but with prayer, it turned out peaceful and calm through the day, and clients were good...AND! I went and had my hair done!

My hair is naturally very dark brown/black. I wanted chunky highlights in vibrant jewel colors, and they had a purple (yes, purple, like ROYAL BRIGHT PURPLE) that I chose. It is DANG CUTE! But it took 3 1/2 hours, because of having to bleach the chunks before dyeing them, so...and I am going to bed. If I wake up tomorrow at 3:30 again

Ate really well all day long. Will report on that tomorrow.

[proverbs31woman]

I'm glad that you had a good experience with your hair and with eating. Prayer does work!

[bunsofaluminum]

Feeling light and skinny today, wearing size 16 jean COMFORTABLY, Not just the stretchy ones, either. I was tempted to step on the scale, but really want to give it the full ten days. I started this on Monday, the 10th, and will weigh on Thursday the 20th, next week. Meanwhile, it DOES feel good getting the skinny jeans off their hanger, pulling them on, and having them just zip up LIKE THAT no problem...when was it that I put those same jeans on, and couldn't zip them? I'll have to go back through this journal and see. Meanwhile, a pair of 14's now hangs on the skinny jean hanger! I tossed several pairs of size 18's...well, put in the give-away box... never to look back. I do have a pair of 22's that I keep, so when I get to my weight, I can take that classic picture, standing in one leg of those huge jeans! ha! and holding the waist band waaaaaay out from my belly.

Yesterday I ate

B: baked potatoes w/sauted mushrooms and onions over the top
L: baked potatoes, chopped tomatoes, spinach, a spoonful of three bean salad
D: the rest of the baked potatoes, marinated tomatoes and onion topper

Today's Plan

B: Hashbrowns w/sauted zucchini and yellow peppe
L: boiled potatoes and sliced tomatoes; spinach
D: samosa filling with cabbage salad; 321 dressing (can't wait to try that hummus dressing that Raven invented for me!)

It helps that I've been really busy all week, to avoid getting into foods that I mustn't nibble. Doing this mini has me being very strict with myself...but I'm not finding myself bored with any of it. I'm eating with delight and gusto.

Struggling emotionally VERY HARD with the murder of Ethan Stacy, a little boy from a local town. There is such anger at his murderers: step dad and his own mother, and as details come out I'm just more infuriated. How do I NOT HATE THESE PEOPLE?

I have one friend who wisely and gently reminded me that we walk by faith, not by sight and that helped a LOT. One co-worker who says "there is so much hatred coming at the murderers. They have to live with the memory of what they've done forever. We must just send them love" But that didn't help as much, even though it is true, and even though I do believe God is Love...but God also is mindful of justice in this earth, and is tender-hearted and merciful. And He loves children. It is NOT OKAY with Him, that this child went through what he did. He DOES judge this couple. Sometimes, I pray that His wrath will be felt by them, that He will destroy them. Sometimes I feel like destroying them, myself I hate feeling this way.

well, anyway. It's strong, the grief I am feeling about it all. It feels like this place, Utah, the Wasatch Front, is a dangerous place for little children. This was so local that one of our clients lives in the apartment complex where the torture and murder took place, and a co-worker who staffs that client, knew the little boy briefly. He had a bike. He wore glasses. That poor little boy.

I have some serious thinking and praying to do. What is GOD'S mind on this? What is my response REALLY supposed to be? And so. maybe it's good that my eating is so super simplified. I don't have to think about food at all. Just nuke a potato or two and that's good for a meal...if I want to throw some veggies on top, groovy. Or no? then that's fine, too.

well, that's that. I seem to be posting some pretty alarming, sad, traumatic stuff lately. God created me with a heart of compassion, which is good mostly. But it hurts A LOT when something horrible happens. And it seems that's been the case more than usual, lately.

[kirstykay]

Wow, Heidi, that's some heavy stuff you're dealing with...your whole communtiy is dealing with!

I've thought a lot about the anger you're wrestling with and your question about how not to hate those people. Here's my opinion, fwi: I think God hates evil. What those people did was pure evil. I think your anger is a righteous anger. I think God is angry when His children are hurt, especially His precious little children. And I think that God gives us His heart when we are His followers. Ezekiel 36:26 tells us that: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Your God-heart is hurting because He has equipped you with compassion and tenderness. And I think that is a picture of exactly how God feels about what happened to this little boy.

I think crimes like that are the work of Satan. There are people who are lost and give themselves over to the enemy of our souls who seeks to steal, and kill and destroy (John 10:10). The enemy is an opportunist. If a person is lost enough and broken enough, Satan will use them in this world to cause such destruction. We all have free will, and those people are responsible for what they have done, no question. But behind it all is the enemy of God and of us who is so absolutely evil we can't even comprehend what he is capable of.

I know you know, that's why Jesus had to die. And we can take comfort in the fact that Satan is a defeated foe. He knows it...and that's why he will take anyone down with him who he can get to follow him. But God promises us that He will have the final word. At least that sweet boy is up in Jesus' arms right now, being loved the way his parents should have loved him. He isn't suffering anymore, and he never will again.

It's alright to be angry. If you question that, read the Psalms and how David cried out to God to destroy his enemies! He was so honest about his feelings, and you can be too. We just have to know that it's the enemy of our souls that deserves our rage; and then we can rest in the justice of our righteous God who will set all things right in His time. Now, here, though, He feels our pain and walks with us through it.

I am praying for you and your community. What a horrible thing to have to go through. (((((((HUG)))))))))

Peace,
Kirsty

[mtns]

Heidi,
I am having a hard time with the Ethan Stacey thing as well. I am horrified they locked him in his room and died alone. That really bothers me a lot. I have worked in the foster care system for 6 yrs. and have seen some abuse of children. The children I adopted went through quite a bit, sexual abuse, lack of food, neglect and some physical abuse and some emotional abuse. They have come a long way and am so glad they are living here. They both have fetal alcohol syndrome, and do have problems sometimes with their past but for the most part they are happy normal children.
I did always try to work with the parents, all of them were on some form of drugs, mostly meth. I don't know much about this family that did this to that kid. It would help me to think they were on drugs and couldn't do something so cruel.Many went through past hardships of their own. I tried hard to introduce them to Christ. One of the moms got saved and comes to church and is very faithful and doing quite well.
It is hard to hear about, so I totally understand.
Kathy

[bunsofaluminum]

Kirsty, thank you for your wise and comforting words. I couldn't agree with you more, that there is pure evil behind what happened here. There is a very destructive force at work in this area, I'm sure of it. It's been a horrible year for children in ways I don't want to list, including an alarming accidental death in town, of a one year old that happened the day before they found poor Ethan's body.

The Psalms are very helpful to me, when it comes to crying out to God in perplexity, not knowing why things are the way they are, or when He is going to intervene and make it good, or for bringing a broken heart to Him. Today, believe it or not, the hymn A Mighty Fortress Is Our God has been my greatest comfort. I've had it on in my van all day (on a CD of hymns by Second Chapter of Acts)...

Hi Kathy. How cool that you've been a foster mom. I played with the idea briefly a few years back. It's got to be so hard, to keep compassion for people who have messed themselves up so badly that they neglect and abuse their babies . It is wonderful that you are raising two such dear ones in a loving family as you are. (HUG) It must be breaking your heart twice, to hear of such cruelty to a little child.

well, I need to sit down and be still. Listen. Cry out. Be with God. Will post about my day a little later on.