Dissolution's Solution

[♥ Amy ♥]

Wow Dis - I'm sorry to hear about this blow up. I hope you are in a safe place and have loving people around you.

We're all thinking of you - hope you are ok.

[Dissolution]

zippy Things seem to have settled down for now.

Debbie Her main idea of fun, is for us to go out and find new restaurants to eat at, she hates going to restaurants with me anymore, therefore I am no fun. She doesn't like going to movies anymore because I don't share popcorn with her. I guess maybe our relationship was very food-centric.

SunshineDay Thanks, that was a good read.


carollynne Things have settled back down, for now.

bunsofaluminum Getting to the end of my rope though.

nicoles I've put one dog down at the vet's office and always felt guilty about it, because I've never had an animal that wasn't scared of the vets.

To make cinnamon red hot flavored apple sauce, you just have to add cinnamon oil, the kind they use for making hard candy. Think you can get it at most drug stores this time of year.

nomikins Thanks....Dogs rule.

Lesliec1 Even when something is already dying and suffering, people don't want blood on their hands. Those same people never have a problem eating animal products though, go figure.

Most of the time no, but I do think I made some progress this last time.

♥ Amy ♥ Things are calmer now.

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The gist of or most recent "conversation" with the wife was.

I don't think I'm the bad guy.
You're making me feel like I AM the bad guy.
If I'm the bad guy, it would be best if I moved out because how can I change when I don't think I do anything wrong.

Seemed to work as a reality check for her. She has been very calm and pleasant the past several days. We went to a Japanese steakhouse for #2's birthday and she yelled at the chef for tossing shrimp onto my plate.

I'm still going to be proceeding with my preparation of things that would need to be done so that we can separate. Kind of a Sword of Damocles if you will.

In other news...

Weight has come back down, still having a hard time breaking the 210 barrier. It'll come though.

I've been eating lots and lots of kale lately, while some of the local farm markets are still open and I can get it super fresh. BTW I'm sure most of you know this, but I bought some kale the other day that was a little bit wilted. I put it stalks down and a big bowl of cold water and it crisped right up. I also tried my basic colecannon recipe using rice instead of potatoes, it's good that way too.

I've cut back on flour products, I do eat kale in sandwich wraps though. I've also been eating lots and lots of apples lately (like a peck a week). That'll stop soon, they are almost out of season.

I've got a bunch of crazy work stuff going on for the next week and a half, then I swear I'm going to get back into the habit of going to the gym. Matter of fact, I should go tomorrow (since it's a slower day).

Happy Thursday everyone.

[Lasko77]

I am so sorry to hear about this blow-up. She just WILL NOT support you, huh? I don't understand how a spouse does not support something healthy. I don't get it. She sounds very selfish and almost "off her rocker" if you don't mind me saying so. I apologize about the bluntness.

I hope you find peace, you deserve it.

[zippy]

I think it's good that you're lining up things just in case you have to make some major changes. It sounds like a healthy thing to do in your situation. Good to see a post from you. I always wonder how things are going.

[carollynne]

Dear Dis, Well, I must admit my sympathies lie entirely with you, and that is mostly because my DH was a bit like her. But now he has joined me on the WOE, completely only since last weekend... before that he did have some animals products if we went out to eat....but it is because of a possible auto-immune disease. He loved to go out to eat too, and would hate when I quizzed the waitress, waiter, or ask for any accomadations. But that has all changed: He has decided to let: ----------Thy food be thy medicine, ta dah!

But he has a definite reason to be very convinced to try this WOE
now on the other hand, your wife already has got a terrible disease, and so there is no wake up call there!! I think she is very much the emotionally abusive controller type and you are being very wise to get your house in order. I will pray for your family, you need to stay strong and get healthy! woo hoo !
Hey I love apples too!
Have a great day to all!

[nicoles]

Hi Dissolution,

Yeah, when we took our little guy to be put down a couple of years ago I felt so horrible -he just did not even want to be moved from the towel he was lying on, he felt so sick. There are vets here in LA who do house calls for euthanasia, but as you might imagine, they charge for it like a luxury service, so no go for us.

Oh well, I'd better stop thinking about it. I suppose it'll always make me feel guilty and very, very sad.

Glad you spoke up for yourself and that (for now) it has calmed the waters a bit. Sounds to me like she really needed that reality check, and it probably feels a lot different to be on the receiving end of someone talking about leaving.

Glad to hear you are back on track, food-wise. Dude, I can eat a peck of apples a week, too! Kale too. YUM!

Anyway, enough of me yapping. Get to the gym!

Nicole

[Lesliec1]

Your course of action sounds really smart. You should always be prepared for the worst (so you don't feel stuck there) but why not also try to work on things?

Obviously when you two last talked, you hit on just the right thing to say and she seemed to respond. Who knows how much more of that can occur if you keep trying? Corny, but there is no substitute for communication. (Not that I'm great at it, I'm the first to admit.) You know it won't be easy because there are many emotions flying around. But even if the wost happened and you had to move out, you might feel better about really having tried.

There's always room for some compromise and some common ground, unless you are a politician. How about saying something like, "Let's have a rule that we don't diss each others' food" for starters? No pun intended.

I was unhealthy vegan for a lot of years. My husband was a SAD eater and still is. It was hard at first. I think I had to teach him how to be more sensitive and not make comments about my food. That's a woman thing maybe? Comments about his food didn't bother him. He even calls hot dogs "pig lips" as he's eating them. But I got upset if he made fun of my food.

Anyway, sounds like you're in a good place at the moment. I always love reading your journal. Everyone seems to!

[didi]

It occurs to me that if your favorite pastime is going to new restaurants, it might be a fun challenge to see what you can order in any restaurant that is on plan. Maybe calling ahead. I wonder if your wife knew you saw it as fun if she would accept your WOE if she knows you actually enjoy going out with her. It also occurs to me that a letter to the restaurant manager or owner commenting on how well they filled your requirements might make a next visit more enjoyable and even pave the way for other low fat vegans to eat there.

It always amazes me that a person with a medical problem such as your wife will do nothing to strive for better health. Perhaps she is afraid of failure. I have a daughter who is so afraid of failure she will only stay within her own comfort level. People in my cardiac rehab group would rather undergo more by passes and stenting rather than change their diets. They say they would rather die happy than make unpleasant (to them) changes. That is great if you suddenly code and die. It is really painless and uneventful. A snap. But there is also the chance you might end up in a nursing home or hospital attached to machinery just to keep you breathing or end up a cardiac cripple in great pain--and regretting for the rest of the life you have left that you didn't make what must now seem like a small sacrifice.

Didi

[carollynne]

I like Didi's comments a lot. I will be doing that myself, writing to restaurants that were very nice about making accommodations for me or my son., I can think of one Indian place right now in fact. then I liked your comments about ending up in a nursing home incapacitating and then finally wishing I had tried the food route instead of just saying I will not change. Some people are just very stubborn, and in fact there is a mental illness diagnosis called oppositional defiance disorder, ODD, and they will jump to the exact opposite of whatever is suggested to them and pronto as if their life depended on it. Then there is the pride element, of her usually being the only cook, and in charge of what her family was eating, a real sense of accomplishment. that eroded away, and she simply cannot adjust and is fighting back for all she is worth to save herself. Many women would be so happy for a husband who will paint so often and be willing to do the many things that you have written about on these pages.
Praying for your family!! So what is wrong with wanting to be healthy? Nothing at all. You are so worth it to yourself.

[fulenn]

Hi Dissolution,

I'm glad you were able to say something in your defense that did not make things worse for you. You are so worth it! Sounds like you have things in hand. It has been so good to see how you have embraced healthy eating and how many benefits your health has received from it.

Have a healthy weekend,
Fulenn

[Dissolution]

Lasko77 She does in some ways. We had a party Sunday night and she made two dishes for me. (as per our post Christmas 2011 treaty) One being stuffed peppers and she hates peppers a LOT.

zippy Thanks. It's going very well right now, compared to a couple of weeks ago.

carollynne SO glad to hear your DH is getting more on board with the program.

#2 Son has been "off the wagon" since late spring/early summer. He's put back on 20 of the 30 pounds he lost.

nicoles So sorry to hear about your little guy.

I haven't started going back to the gym yet, I will soon, just didn't want to rock the "happiness boat" too soon.

Lesliec1What would be interesting to a psychologist, is her attitude about the kitchen and TV. For the entire time we have been married, the kitchen has been her domain. It was her kitchen, she was in complete control. If she wasn't the one making the meals, the rest of us pretty much ate boxed food that could be prepared in the microwave or toaster oven. The exceptions being one of the kids would make mac-n-cheese once a month or I would make the entire family hamburger helper a few times a year.

For the past 14 months, I have been using the kitchen more than she has. She has an extensive spice inventory, which I also use. Even though I clean up after myself, it drives her crazy. She takes it as an invasion of personal belongings.

She has transferred that possessiveness to the living room television. She believes it to be her TV, and she should says what it is used for even when she is not in the room.

Not sure what my point was other than communication with crazy people can be difficult...lol

didi Once of my wife's favorite saying since I began this journey is "You can have my butter, when you pry it from my cold dead hands." So be it...

We did find a perfect restaurant for us last weekend. A place called Ghengis Grill, a Mongolian BBQ. For those of you that don't know what one is; they give you a bowl and the you go to an ingredient bar and add meat, vegetables, spices and sauce, then take ti to the cook and they add your choice of starch and cook it on a giant round grill. This place even offered to cook my food on a separate grill.

I had a bowl full of brown rice and grilled vegetables and the wife had a bowl full of meat. We were both happy.

carollynne I'll give the good places a good Yelp review and mention how they were able to accommodate with vegan dishes.

fulenn Things continue to be pretty smooth, for now.

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We had a dinner party Sunday night. The wife made lasagna, and fettuccine Alfredo for the adults and personal pizzas for the kids. She made peppers stuffed with orzo and veggies for me. Everyone loved the food, including me. I was slightly picked on for being "vegan", the ironic thing was all of those doing the picking, weigh more than I do....go figure. It was good natured enough and it seemed to make them feel better.

The wife wants to make me a Tofurky for Thanksgiving. She still doesn't really comprehend the whole food, plant based thing, but if it makes her feel better, I'll try it.

[zippy]

I'm doing a 3 Sister's stew for Thanksgiving. Corn, beans and butternut squash sound like the origional foods of giving thanks and mine are all locally grown. I froze the sweet corn last Aug. The squash is from my sister's garden and the dry pinto beans are from the farm down the road. I'll season it with hot peppers I grew in pots by my back door. I'm going for real traditional foods, corporate tradition with factory produced fake turkey, no thanks.

It's nice of your wife to care though.... bless her heart for trying.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Debbie]

Nice to hear things have calmed down some. And her making a few things for you too is a plus.

We've tried tofurkey a few times. It's neither good nor bad. Haha Just eh.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

[Chile]

Back before I developed an allergy to tofu, I tried tofurkey. Not impressed. I have higher hopes for the Turkeyless Roast offered this year at Trader Joe's though. Also not a whole food, but on the same par as Tofurkey probably.

[Caroveggie]

I'm glad things are going better. It is sweet of her to want to cook you Tofurkey. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving!