Wow. From moderately pressed down over the winter, to completely in the doldrums for quarantine. It took several weeks after coming home to work before I started feeling a little bit normal, and the coming of springtime helped a lot in that. Sunshine, greenery, flowers, bees, birds. LIFE! all lifted my spirits.
then murder. And grieving, and fear as my town did see some violent protests (a police car flipped over and burned, and some jackass came to the protest with a cross bow, got out of his car, aimed at the crowd while shouting "all lives matter!" and got himself and his car beat up)
and ANGER because I know that the riots were instigated by outside agitators ACROSS THE BOARD. My daughter participated for a couple of hours at the beginning of the SLC protests, where people were using their cars for social distancing, and a few on foot carrying signs. Things were peaceful when she left, and all the police were parked in the incoming roads, monitoring things but not interacting with the crowd. She has rightly questioned how an unattended cop car came to be parked on the street right where the protesters were, when the police had been monitoring more from a distance up to then. But I wasn't there. Surely it was just some random protesters that just decided to trash a cop car. Right?
Meanwhile, there's also video of a man throwing a water bottle at the cops, while things were peaceful and people were just standing around.
The man had a white supremacy symbol on his shirt.
![angry :angry:](./images/smilies/angry.gif)
and I also saw video of an agitator casually walking along in St Paul, not one of the protesters (they were about a parking lot distance from him) and he was just walking along, dressed to conceal his identity, and breaking windows in a business. This was the first act of violence in St Paul and it INFURIATED me. So on top of my doldrums, and the grief at the murder in broad daylight of ANOTHER black person, I had to deal with some intense anger. There are forces determined to destroy us, and the tactics they employ are working.
I spent the day Saturday crying.
Wylie was almost 100% unsympathetic to my reaction, and I did calm myself down with some light hearted focus and calming music. And we had a wonderful evening sitting out back and looking at the clouds together. It was SO nice. Just with each other, the evening sky, and a light breeze. So emotionally I've been better this week. The weekend was pretty much hell, but things are better now, even though I am still very sad.
Meanwhile the eating has been right out of control. The main thing has been added fat, and all my joints are telling me about it today. I've never been in worse shape in my life. Of course, my job has involved sitting all day long since 2012...
Anyway.
From now on, I am leaving added fats out COMPLETELY. My knees are hurting and that happens when I eat high fat, which I have been doing. If I cut fats, I'll be happier. That, I know I can do. Or can I? My oomph is gone. QiGong also has fallen by the wayside after not even getting a full week in a row. SMH. I listened to the amazing story of David Goggins...he started out at 297 lbs and worked his ass off until he was able to join the Navy Seals and set a world record for most pull ups in 24 hours. He put his body through ALL kinds of punishment. He's a super runner. He does hundreds of miles at a time. Talked about peeing blood and crippled feet and STILL pushed through.
Amazing story, huge dedication, even obsession and I listened and said "wow" and moved on to the next thing.
So. When I have breakfast, I will not add fat. Today I will not add fat to my foods. I can do that much. Don't nobody ask me for more.