Anna's Journal

Share your daily McDougall menus and/or keep a journal describing your personal progress.

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Anna's Journal

Postby Anna Green » Wed May 27, 2009 2:06 pm

I really can't believe I am doing this. I don't do things like this. Most of the time I'd rather eat dirt (yeah it's all about the oral, huh?) but I am ready to do something different. And I want to say some things and be honest. I would like to receive support and give support. I want to be real but with strangers because I can't yet really talk to the people in my life about the real crap and the real hope I have going right now. And I'm scared because I have been wanting to be healthy for a really long time and I'm not sure I will do it. So I need a new bag of tricks and this will be one. Actually I have been making changes for a while now. For the last 12 years or so I have been trying to be vegan, trying as in feeling a ton of guilt when I have eaten animal products. I read McDougall and others like him a long time ago, did it for awhile and stopped. In the last 2 years I have dropped about 30 lbs and have for the most part kept it off without too much yo-yoing. It's really not just about the weight for me. I just want to be healthy in my eating yes, but also in my everyday life, in my relationships, in the way I impact the environment, etc. Some things I do well with, some I don't. Anyway that's the deal. I have been reading posts and journals for hours and I respect the perseverance and struggle evident. Not that part of me isn't laughing at this idea of talking about the struggle to eat healthy. There is a little voice in my head that's going, "F-ing greedy Americans agonizing over the abundance of food in a world where there are so many with so little." Yet here I am not wanting to die young because I eat crap and too much of it. What I want to do is to live well, with gratitude and generosity. The first thing I am going to do is stop doggin myself cause it only makes me want fried chicken.

I have been making no oil added, whole grain stuff and it actually has been pretty good. I exercised Sunday,Monday and will today. This is what I can do today.
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Postby Anna Green » Thu May 28, 2009 9:09 pm

Today has been pretty good. Thinking alot about this change. Did not go get fried chicken. I felt good, energetic, alert. I loved this soup I made with lentils, veg broth, fat free, indian spices, spinach, onions, tomatoes, zucchini, corn, peas, and brown rice. Went to a concert instead of sitting on the couch eating and watching TV. Did have a free beer at the concert- suspect it's not recommended but I'm ok with it. Alcohol is not one of my issues and most of the time I don't drink because it makes me tired. If I find I am more likely to eat junk if I have had a beer I'll just have to not have a beer or a glass of wine. We'll see. I really do want the occasional social drink to be part of my life. I am glad I've started journaling because I want to remember this feeling. The stuff I love to read the most from others are about the good feelings of being healthy, enjoying the food and exercise and fun. So I'll also say what helped me feel this way and that is the food I ate today. I have not exercised since Monday. Will Friday and Sat. I WILL!

B- raw granola (1/4 cup) (no added oil) with a little soymilk (a couple of tblsps) 2 small apples
L-big bowl of soup with lentils and brown rice and veggies -
ezekial sprouted grain english muffin plain
D- more soup and some radishes and other veggies
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no fried chicken on a friday night

Postby Anna Green » Fri May 29, 2009 4:34 pm

I have been thinking about how food is attached to so many things lately. Friday nights have been about "being bad" and eating unhealthy foods. I won't do that tonight. My treat will be to be nice to my body so that tomorrow I feel good and energetic and can clean the damn house. I will enjoy the food that is available to me, that is healthy and delicious and that I am so fortunate to have. I am beginning to look at the way I think not only about food but other things (neurotic and healthy) as well. I know I am healthy and strong in some areas and I want to mine them for healthy patterns that I can use in this area of my life. Oh god this sounds like new-agey psycho babble bullshit. But I want to do it. I want to figure out how to change. I was doing a training today with homeless outreach workers and asked them not to label people as unmotivated, a stamp that can be deadly for a homeless person who is then left on the street. We know now that when people are housed they often find all kinds of motivation to keep the house and behave in a way that allows them to do so whether it is cutting out or back on alcohol or taking psych meds, or finding employment. I want to give myself the same courtesy, to know that I can create, find, whatever my own motivation, that I can let others help me with it and it doesn't mean I am a weak fat slob. So today this is what I can do. I am drinking my herbal tea, the calming one, planning to have a guilt free weekend where it is ok to relax and to make some healthy yummy food for the week. I have a house full of good ingredients and plan to use a lot of spices and seasoning that I love. I am feeling so grateful for today. I used to hear recovering addicts say that and today I feel more what is behind that phrase. I also feel grateful for this tool and the people who spend the time here trying to support one another in choosing life. (oh really I am making myself gag but I really mean it)
Last edited by Anna Green on Sat Jun 20, 2009 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby karin_kiwi » Fri May 29, 2009 5:23 pm

Go Anna!

I love what you're saying. I also struggle with trying to say something and then part of me thinking, 'what a load of psychological psychobabble, cringeworthy crap.' :) I think about something that genuinely has been a real issue (there's another buzz word!) and then I think, 'oh, just get OVER it already!'

Come to think of it, I had those problems a lot during my psych degree and the years I spent being a phone counselor. Not the actual doing the counseling (which I loved), but the training and supervision and peer support. Genuine emotions can sound so trite, and overused phrases can actually describe genuine emotions.

Take care of yourself this weekend. Your plans sound good.
All time high 275+ lbs/125+ kgs (maxed out scale!). Was a size 26-28. * * * Fastest 10 km (6.25 miles) run time 55.30; half marathon time 2:13.49.

Dealing with the maintaining huge weight loss thing... imperfectly and with some challenges.
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Postby Anna Green » Fri May 29, 2009 5:44 pm

Karin, Thanks! I have to admit I have never done this online communication thing. I know people who do but it always seemed boring and cumbersome. It's not. I think I like it. I love that we come from all over the place and I do like talking about this stuff to people who are struggling as well without having to go to the local group which I may one day get desperate enough to do. Oh please goddess of the universe keep me from that fate. You have a wonderful weekend.
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new day

Postby Anna Green » Sat May 30, 2009 7:12 am

It is a new day and I am so jazzed (truth is I can't believe it) that it is Sat morn and I am not hung over from the crap I ate last night. I actually did good as my family would say except for the rice crackers which after last nights discussion in the Forum I realize are not "optimal. " (Beats the heck out of fried chicken, I'll say) I am learning a whole new language. Anyway I actually ate all of the healthy stuff I made last week which is awesome and unusual because lots of times the healthy stuff does not get finished and the crap gotten from the drive thru does. Last week I bought a lot of sauces and spices (I checked for oil and sugar, corn syrup, etc) so I could make things taste good. I'm going to clean the nasty kitchen and cook today. Yeah! I can do this. I feel hope today. I have to confess though I did not exercise yesterday so I am going to today by walking the French Quarter (oh yeah!) and cleaning house. I am going to eat before I go to the Quarter so the aroma wafting out of the restaurants does not entice me in. Good thing on the streets of the Quarter you often get other wafts not so good. THAT will help me stay on track! I will have A glass of wine with my family.

I am not sure I want to do the ticker thing. I haven't decided. So for now I'll just say I was in a 22 pant and now I am in a 20 and when I am in an 18 I'll write it in my journal.
This is my plan:

Today for breakfast I will have KIWI, then perhaps some oatmeal.

For lunch I will have a potato or two with split pea soup on top. I'll eat the radishes left over, cucumber, and greens with a no fat dressing.

Dinner will be whatever I decide to cook that has whole grains, veggies, beans, etc with no oil or sugar. Perhaps some more greens.

This is what I can do today.
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Postby Melinda » Sat May 30, 2009 9:08 am

Way to go, Anna! You just leaped the first major hurdle - breaking a long standing pattern of your Friday night drive through "food"! I am trying to remember when I look at processed garbage, to remind myself that it is not "food" - which it isn't. ( I am not talking about whole grain breads, or pastas here, just all of the other processed junk). Have a great weekend. PS you will notice a lot of different personalitites here - I think most of us over time have come to know and love/like/accept them, just as you would still like your friend, even if they said something in a manner you didn't appreciate. The thing about internet communication is that sometimes words come off sounding quite harsh, whereas if you were in a conversation with your friends, where you could see their body language, their words would be taken in a different way.
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Postby Anna Green » Sat May 30, 2009 10:24 am

Thanks so much for the help. I need it.
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Postby Anna Green » Sat May 30, 2009 11:48 pm

One thing I have been thinking about since last night is the talk about setting our lives up so that it is easy to eat well, exercise. Our culture encourages us to do other things and boy don't I feel it living in New Orleans. Every corner store has local soul food cooking- turkey necks, fried chicken, crawfish pasta, you get the idea. IYou gotta know we are the fat city for a reason. We can cook it up! t's tasty, I want it, but I want to be healthy. Actually I have to insert this because I thought it was kind of funny and true. I was feeling a bit sad about all the food I am not going to be eating that I enjoy- crap that is and the thought hit me. What if I were forced to eat crap all the time and had no access to healthy food. The thought of that made me realize how much I do like, want, crave, and enjoy healthy food. I cannot imagine not being able to have fresh spinach or veggie soup. And then I felt grateful for all that good stuff and the feeling sorry for myself bull went away. People who are starving ought to feel sad about food. I know I will slip, did so a little tonight. But I also made food for the week and know that I am much more likely not to slip because I don't have the overwhelming task of making food decisions every night after work. It's done. I hope this is a place I can say when I screw up and when I do good and will not be judged as unmotivated or not committed. I have all those voices in my own head telling me much worse stuff than anyone here could say and I can't fight them and someone else too. Not that I don't want someone to tell me the truth. I really do. It is such a gift.
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Postby Bunnylover » Sun May 31, 2009 7:43 am

Hi Anna,

I just wanted to tell you how much I am enjoying reading your journal. Your insight about "What if I were forced to eat crap all the time" was so true! I would really miss my whole foods and veggies, probably more than I ever missed the junk (and I can remember missing it a lot, in the beginning).

You are doing great in your journey so far. Some people manage to adopt this lifestyle and never look back, and obviously that is the ideal way to do it, but there are a lot of us who have worked through slips and mess-ups and still got to a good place eventually. I know that for me, it was really crucial that I kept persisting with the program even when I got off track. As a McDougaller who sometimes messed up, I was still eating a lot healthier than everyone else who wasn't McDougalling. That thought helped keep me going, and over time my mess-ups got fewer and further between as this way of eating became more and more ingrained. It's true what they say about the force of habit being a strong predictor of behavior. The other day I was waiting in line at a home improvement store and was standing next to the racks of candy bars that they put there. I was bored and started looking at the different kinds they had, and there were some I didn't even recognize. Then it occurred to me that my thought processes have changed so much over the last several years, to the point where it wouldn't even occur to me to pick up a candy bar in the checkout line. That stuff has become almost invisible to me. And that's mostly because of habit -- we are most likely to do today, the same things we did yesterday and the day before. The longer you stick with it, the easier it gets.

I hope you do feel safe in posting about your ups and downs. I lurked and did not join this forum for years -- despite reading it regularly -- because it seemed a little scary here. For sure the culture is different from most support boards. The advice is excellent and I have benefited so much from it, but sometimes I've been glad I wasn't the direct 'recipient'. :)

Congratulations on doing your meal planning in advance and having healthy food all ready to eat....it makes a HUGE difference. I plan out my dinners each week and shop for the ingredients, so I always know what I am going to make, plus I have an arsenal of quick & easy standybys that I can make if I am tired or have no time (they use pantry/freezer items so it is just a matter of opening some cans, mixing and heating). You are right about planning being important to success.

Have a great day and enjoy your delicious healthy foods!
Last edited by Bunnylover on Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Melinda » Sun May 31, 2009 9:45 am

I want to chime in with Bunnylover - going vegan was no problem for me (I had been vegan before, and ovo lacto for many many years, but it was hard to give up the vegan junk food! I have certainly not been perfect, but I can honestly say that over the past couple of years, my eating habits have gradually improved about 500%! I am a fan of Geneen Roth's books, which actually led me out of a mild eating disorder in the early 90's, and to go cold turkey for me does not work. I am fortunate in that I have developed migraines in the past few years (long story - I won't go into it, I have talked about it before on the board), and so now when I mess up I have the warning of a migraine to get me back on the straight and narrow. So now I am looking at this migraine problem as a gift, in that following this way of eating will keep my whole body healthy.
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Postby Melinda » Sun May 31, 2009 9:55 am

You might check out Geneen Roth's works, because they are about the emotional aspects of eating, and about not beating yourself up, because that never does anyone good. She explains in one of her dvd's about her eating guidelines, and one that she has changed " Eat what your body wants". She said she changed it because previously it had been "Eat what you want" and she said people were eating cheesecake for breakfast! I truly believe, and it has been my experience, that we DO have an intuitive voice within ourselves, or our body, that tells us what it wants. And it rarely says that it wants junk food. In fact the more you improve your eating habits, the more easily heard the voice becomes. I suspect that many people on this board do not agree with me on this, but I have had a long journey with this listening to my body, since the early 80's, and I have found it to be true. Geneen also emphasizes that the MIND always wants things, but that is not what you listen to, you must listen to the body. Our minds are always wanting all sorts of things. In fact I think people get themselves into trouble with food because they are not eating consciously, and paying attention to how this food is serving them, how it feels, and minute by minute, how their body is feeling about what they are eating. Just my two cents!
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Postby Anna Green » Sun May 31, 2009 10:05 pm

Wow. Thanks all of you. I still haven't gotten over the embarrassment of talking about this stuff but I also feel so relieved-you know the elephant in the room thing. I love hearing about all of your journeys and the recommendations are good-I'll be getting the book. Tonight I visited a friend and when I got home I realized that during the trip home I had not considered stopping to get dinner, you know the stuff pretending to be food. It has been a while since I have been hungry and in the car and not thought about, fought with myself about, stopping to get the junk. It feels good. I feel like I get to choose what I do at least today. I know it's ridiculous to think otherwise but I gotta say it, I don't usually feel a whole lot of control in this trying to be healthy. My head says one thing and I feel another.
So tonight I came home, enjoyed a salad with fat free dressing, two big bowls of soup with brown rice, corn, lentils, peas, spinach, zucchini, tomatoes, a couple of small cubes of tofu, and no added oil. I feel great. I do plan on having very little soy and only once in a while as I know it is fatty. I like it but really that one is no biggie. The other thing I have discovered is that I really like soups and stews. I don't really notice that they have no oil because I've been using spicier seasoning. I can give them a lot of flavor and they aren't dry. I am writing this so I'll remember, so I can say no to all the crap I think sometimes is the "good stuff." Just trying to change the brain. (reading all the stuff about food addiction and the neurotransmitters) Its funny in an ironic sort of way, but I have managed a detox before , done intensive case management with addicts and have known that my behavior with food is typical addict behavior. Recently when I got desperate I decided to tackle this differently than I have in the past and I find myself doing the things we recommended to our clients. I also hear my clients struggles in my own words when writing and talking about wrestling with this. One thing I have started doing is something I found effective and enjoyable for groups of people feeling sick and guilty and full of grief. I would have participants imagine doing things that would give them pleasure and joy that were not drug related. I would encourage them to use all five senses so when they said they were soberly hugging their child I would have them tell me how the child felt, how their hair smelled. They often would describe family gatherings watching football and eating gumbo so I would have them describe the room they were in and how the food smelled. The idea was to encourage spending time longing for and even fantasizing about life giving things in the same way they did about drugs before they sought them out. So I have been trying to do the same when I find myself craving the junk I imagine the good stuff in the fridge at home, remember how much I like it and how good I feel after eating it. So tomorrow when I read this and am embarrassed that I posted it on the internet I am reminding myself that I don't want to die early, I want to see my son's children, I want to get my doctorate and continue my work with homeless and I just want to feel good and as if this sentence wasn't long enough, I have to do something different. I will also use the wisdom of those so generous enough to share it with me whenever I can.

I might just have a party when I get into an 18.
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Postby Anna Green » Sun May 31, 2009 10:06 pm

Wow. Thanks all of you. I still haven't gotten over the embarrassment of talking about this stuff but I also feel so relieved-you know the elephant in the room thing. I love hearing about all of your journeys and the recommendations are good-I'll be getting the book. Tonight I visited a friend and when I got home I realized that during the trip home I had not considered stopping to get dinner, you know the stuff pretending to be food. It has been a while since I have been hungry and in the car and not thought about, fought with myself about, stopping to get the junk. It feels good. I feel like I get to choose what I do at least today. I know it's ridiculous to think otherwise but I gotta say it, I don't usually feel a whole lot of control in this trying to be healthy. My head says one thing and I feel another.
So tonight I came home, enjoyed a salad with fat free dressing, two big bowls of soup with brown rice, corn, lentils, peas, spinach, zucchini, tomatoes, a couple of small cubes of tofu, and no added oil. I feel great. I do plan on having very little soy and only once in a while as I know it is fatty. I like it but really that one is no biggie. The other thing I have discovered is that I really like soups and stews. I don't really notice that they have no oil because I've been using spicier seasoning. I can give them a lot of flavor and they aren't dry. I am writing this so I'll remember, so I can say no to all the crap I think sometimes is the "good stuff." Just trying to change the brain. (reading all the stuff about food addiction and the neurotransmitters) Its funny in an ironic sort of way, but I have managed a detox before , done intensive case management with addicts and have known that my behavior with food is typical addict behavior. Recently when I got desperate I decided to tackle this differently than I have in the past and I find myself doing the things we recommended to our clients. I also hear my clients struggles in my own words when writing and talking about wrestling with this. One thing I have started doing is something I found effective and enjoyable for groups of people feeling sick and guilty and full of grief. I would have participants imagine doing things that would give them pleasure and joy that were not drug related. I would encourage them to use all five senses so when they said they were soberly hugging their child I would have them tell me how the child felt, how their hair smelled. They often would describe family gatherings watching football and eating gumbo so I would have them describe the room they were in and how the food smelled. The idea was to encourage spending time longing for and even fantasizing about life giving things in the same way they did about drugs before they sought them out. So I have been trying to do the same when I find myself craving the junk I imagine the good stuff in the fridge at home, remember how much I like it and how good I feel after eating it. So tomorrow when I read this and am embarrassed that I posted it on the internet I am reminding myself that I don't want to die early, I want to see my son's children, I want to get my doctorate and continue my work with homeless and I just want to feel good and as if this sentence wasn't long enough, I have to do something different. I will also use the wisdom of those so generous enough to share it with me whenever I can.

I might just have a party when I get into an 18.
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Postby karin_kiwi » Mon Jun 01, 2009 3:38 pm

I really like using the visualization/fantasy about positive things. It's far too easy to get into a different kind of fantasy.

I love your journal - keep going!
All time high 275+ lbs/125+ kgs (maxed out scale!). Was a size 26-28. * * * Fastest 10 km (6.25 miles) run time 55.30; half marathon time 2:13.49.

Dealing with the maintaining huge weight loss thing... imperfectly and with some challenges.
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