Anna's Journal

[Anna Green]

My sister always gets this tone of voice when she tells me about a dream. I always go nooooo, don't want to hear it because she gives minute details and it always lasts awhile but then I listen. I won't do that here. Suffice to say I had a dream last night that this client tried to rape me and someone I know was in the building and stopped it. I am rarely afraid around a client and I see them under bridges, in abandoned buildings, etc. Stupid me focused in the dream on not wanting anyone to find out so my activities would not be curtailed and of course because I felt stupid that I had gotten myself in the situation, positioned myself where I could not easily get out the room. You know it's all my fault kind of stuff. I woke up and remembered how strong that guy was and how there was nothing I could do once he had grabbed my arm and I cried. After awhile I realized that I really can't let the getting smaller make me feel more vulnerable. I want to be like Karin, getting stronger and stronger and I want this getting healthy to make me feel stronger. Maybe I will take a self defense class again. You know part of me just thinks, I'm nuts and feels embarassed. But I remember that I am not alone in this, 1 in 4 or maybe the statistic is higher now, females by the age of 18 have been sexually assualted. I had a few incidences growing up and in fact remember those years as full of fear. So yeah, I'm nuts, but I didn't get this way by myself. I just don't want to keep being unhealthy. So instead of killing myself with food that does not protect I will not stuff these feelings. I will work out today and get stronger and i will eat healthy if for no other reason than one day I may need to run.

The plan:
sitting now on the couch drinking tea
Morning -fruit, maybe some rice and veggies
Afternoon- arugula with marinated portabello-oh yeah, split pea soup and potato
Dinner- salad, brown rice and veggies

[Anna Green]

Kirk (right?), Thank you so much. I am glad you joined us and have enjoyed hearing not only your story but about your good relationship with your wife. It's just nice to hear. You so clearly love her.

[SandraK]

What a scary dream! By all means, get strong. 'And running away - good idea. (I was a top sprinter in high school... now I'd get winded if I tried to run to the mailbox.)

But instead of a literal physical attack, when I first read the description, I was thinking of a SAD food addiction: the feeling of helplessness in the face of an opponent stronger and more powerful than me.. feeling vulnerable and out-of-control. 'And how fortunate to have someone you know in the building (forum friends online?) who can help you out.

[Ege Bamyasi]

Kirk (right?), Thank you so much. I am glad you joined us and have enjoyed hearing not only your story but about your good relationship with your wife. It's just nice to hear. You so clearly love her.

Yup, Kirk it is! Just do what everyone else does and think of the captain from Star Trek.

As for my wife, it's pretty safe to say I wouldn't be here at all today -- in any condition -- had I not met her when I did. Having her backing me up and following this plan with me at a time when we both are in serious need of it just makes all of this that much easier.

[Anna Green]

Hey SandraK and Kirk. Thanks for the talk. Sandra, you may be right about that. I have been thinking about it. You know sometimes as I have said before I think all this time I have been spending here, journaling, reading, etc seems over the top until I think about the fact that I have been making myself unhealthy for years and years. When I think about my insanity around eating. I had vodka with friends last night, then lasagna and chicken nuggets (alone because I am too embarrassed to eat this crap around people-typical addict behavior) So this is the big slip this week. Seems I am averaging at least one a week down from about a gazillion a week before, many containing vegan junk food. So I still feel compelled to tell the truth. I hope this means on some level I am getting healthier because I now "know" the McDougallers on this site enough to cringe at what they think.
Can't say I won't drink socially anymore. I do about 1x every week or two. I will however be more careful not to drink 2 of Mike's drinks again and I will make food next time. If this does not work I will have to rethink it because I do think the drinking impacted my choice though I could have very well done it anyway knowing myself and my obvious history.

Don't give up on me. I am not giving up on myself.

[f1jim]

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
It's all in the planning. Be ready and be prepared for the situations you know will come your way. Ask yourself if you have the inner strength to do this. I already know the answer, do you?
Believe in yourself. As Dr. McDougall says, "You are worth it"
I will continue to believe in you till you don't. I pick winners.
f1jim

[Ege Bamyasi]

It's okay, AnnaGreen. Nobody here is going to "give up" on you. I don't think you're going to give up on yourself, either. Also, don't believe for a minute that drinking socially is going to mean failure for you on this program. I promise it isn't!

I think that all you need to do is follow your own suggestion. Bring things to eat and/or drink with you when you go to hang out with friends whenever possible. It will be even easier to facilitate that sort of plan if you start using a slow cooker or a large stock pot to make veggie soups and stews in bulk. My suggestion would be to make one recipe that you really like in a big enough batch to last 2-3 days. Then, when that batch is half gone make another batch of something different. That way you'll always have good prepared foods at the ready, and it will save considerable time because you're only having to prepare one big batch of something every other day. That's how my wife and I are going to be doing it, and it's also how I did things when I followed the plan years ago. I lost weight and felt great with about 85% compliance back then; now that I'm going 100% there's no way we can fail! And you can do this too.

Keep your chin up and don't be ashamed. You've got a good journal going here and heaps of support. You'll make it.

[Anna Green]

Guys, thanks for the support. It is so appreciated. Good day today. Really tired but feeling good. Managed to get in a workout for about 40 minutes- aerobics, light weights

Morning- veggies and brown rice, 5 spelt pretzels
Afternoon-split pea soup, arugula salad, veggies and brown rice
Evening-whole grain pasta, corn, peas, salad, apple

[Anna Green]

Today, on track. Cooking right now for the week, little bitty curried white beans and spinach and cauliflower , potato loaf, and later some thai tempeh croquettes for the boy. May make some brown rice as well to eat the Japanese way with green tea over the top and perhaps some sesame seeds and seaweed. Don't feel the urge to eat SAD which is nice.


Morning: whole grain pasta, peas, corn
Afternoon: Veggies and brown rice
Evening: will be salad and whatever is done first.



This is what I can do today.

[f1jim]

Are you hooked on Neuman's spelt pretzels like my wife? She really loves them. I never had a thing for pretzels, just chips.
Nice work lately.
f1jim

[Ege Bamyasi]

It sounds like you're starting to hit your stride. Keep it up, and never hesitate to ask us for support if you need it.

[Anna Green]

Jim, not sure about the name of the company making the pretzels- I like the big sourdough spelt in the green bag. I eat them when I am in a hurry usually or I am hungry and cannot easily get the food I brought to work, jostle for the microwave or am on the way to a meeting, outreach etc. What is great about them is they are so filling and taste good. Five of them (they are big) is a nice snack, have 3 gr fiber and if not fat free then .5 g, no oil. So as those kind of snacky things go, not bad. I am getting away from the snacky kind of things however because I find myself just wanting real food.

Kirk, thanks for stopping by. The encouragement helps immensely. By the way, I have been making big pots of stuff and have also been making sure I don't run out. You are so right about that. I get into trouble more if I don't have stuff ready.

Today, feeling good, In spite of my "moments" to the contrary, I really think I am changing. I was thinking about not that long ago when the idea of eating this way seemed impossible, pretty awful actually. It doesn't today, in fact at this moment going back to the old way seems pretty awful and scary. I haven't stopped worrying that I will do that however it is less than a month or so ago. Making good food helps. However Friday night the options were limited at my mothers house, I was too lazy to drive the trek to the store and wound up eating whole gr pasta, with peas and corn and salsa on top. Not that great, but had no, I mean no urge to put butter or oil or cheese. Someone said to me that they eat now because they need to and do not always worry about it tasting that great. I did too that night and the next morning. It felt good especially since just Thursday night I was eating sad SAD crap and did not even like it that much.

Today however I have a treat in store with the dish I made last night. It is the bomb and healthy as can be with lots of veggies. I intend to keep journaling and interacting with the wonderful folks on this forum. That is making all the difference and is what I can do today.

Morning: lots of raw shroons and a cup of whole gr pasta. Later, the last of the pasta. - done with the pasta and intend not to do anymore for awhile.
Afternoon- small serving of Thai veggies and brown rice, tomato slices, and a little watermelon
Evening: Huge spinach salad with portabello, Thai veggies and rice.

All good. Also great workout today. Did the kettlebell exercises and a 30 minute tape with light weights. Stretched and I feel awesome. My body feels loose and relaxed.

New goal for the week is to exercise every day even if it is for only 15 minutes.

[f1jim]

It's pretty much the same with so many people. The change happens inside before the change happens outside! Stay the course, I think I see land!!!
f1jim

[Anna Green]

Thanks Jim!

[Anna Green]

Good day for the most part. I was kinda bummed I did not get much exercise. I am getting to that point where moving just feels good. So first thing in the morn...

Morning: Grapefruit, Ezekiel sprouted english muffin, 1/2 caf small soy latte no sugar added.
Afternoon: Big ole spinach salad, brown rice, veggies and beans
Evening: brown rice, veggies, beans, few cups of popcorn at the movies- not so great, in fact the fat tasted weird even though no extra butter, pasty almost in my mouth so I did not finish the small bag. Good thing is no desire for more. Came home had another bowl of brown rice, veggies and beans. Tasted reeeal good.

I was kind of sad after the movie- a romance. I have been hiding behind this fat for a long time-years in fact. The desire to not do so anymore kept me from hitting the drive thru on the way home.