Anna's Journal

[Melinda]

I agree, Karen - it is so easy to focus on what we CAN'T have rather than all of the delicious foods we CAN have.

[Anna Green]

Karin and Melinda, Thanks so much for the support.

I came home today late from work, soooo hungry. The key here being came home. No detours to the deli, drive-thru, mom and pop soul food corner store. I thought about it but not too hard. Came home to my food made over the weekend full of nutrition, whole grains and very low fat. I added up the fat and calories just to check because I am trying not to obsess about it and I am at about 7-8% fat. Oh yeah.

I want to exercise more and have only been doing so a couple of times a week. I went for a walk this evening for about 30-40 minutes and plan to do something each day for the remainder of the week. I am only setting a goal of 20-30 minutes a day just to get in the routine. I plan to do whatever I feel like. It may be walking if it is less humid and sunny. I have a Kathy Smith weight loss tape I was doing regularly in the beginning of the year and it helped, so it may be that. Or I might just put on some music, dance, or scrub the floor. It doesn't matter for the next couple of weeks. I just want to move and do it regularly. I really do enjoy it once I get going.

In spite of all of this, I am afraid I won't continue the healthy eating/exercise as I haven't in the past. I feel self-indulgent spending the time reading this site, journaling, responding to posts. And yet I can spend hours in front of the idiot box eating crap. Go figure. Also I imagine someone who has starving children reading my post about what I ate or did not eat and mocking the angst and I feel embarrassed. It's just that I have so much, not by middle-class American standards (we do still have a middle-class?) but compared to so many in the world. Then I think this is all the more reason to do this so I am not wasting natural resources, harming the environment, brutalizing animals with my eating habits. Better to do this and not eat more food than I need or is good for me and to eat food that it doesn't destroy the environment to grow. So I am going to continue this. I hope to get to a point where I don't feel so uncomfortable because it is helping me. And for those who are so generous to read this it is only myself I critique like this. I have admiration for everyone here trying to do not only what is right for them but for our world. I guess that's what I need to give myself, some credit for trying to do the right thing. god I'm neurotic and I'm spewing it over cyberspace....AHHHHHH

Today:

B- grapes
S-radishes, celery
L- big big bowl of lentil and brown rice soup with veggies and few cubes of tofu
D-mixed greens with fat free dressing, ezekial sprouted grain english muffin with a few tblsp of beans and salsa smeared on them, and a bowl of quinoa stew with veggies, garbanzos, tomatoes.

About to snack on another bowl of soup and off to bed.

[Anna Green]

Got a pair of jeans I haven't worn ever. I can wear them now and will be Fri night out with the women. Oh Yeah! As much as I believe all the stories here about progress toward health there is always a piece of me that doesn't believe until it happens to me. Oh I'ma believer...

[Anna Green]

Today someone noticed I am losing weight. and
I do feel good. I think I am going to call my doc find out my cholesterol and my weight (I don't have a working scale) the last time I was there and then make an appointment for two months from now to get it all checked again. I am looking forward to that which is a great feeling of momentary confidence until my stomach tightens up at the thought that I might get off track. NO NO NO. I won't get off track. YES YES YES I will love feeling healthy so much that it motivates me to continue doing healthy things. I think I am channeling my friend the former cheerleader. oh my god.


Todays menu:

B- 2 kiwi
later- big bowl of soup-lentil, brown rice, veggies, etc
S- cup of carrots
L- brown rice with lentils, veggies, tofu, hashbrowns, all mixed together
S- more of the lentils
D- big plate of dark leaf salad, quinoa stew with garbanzos, veggies

Haven't exercised yet but plan on cleaning and dancing at the same time to get my heart rate up. Just need to get off the couch and move.

[Anna Green]

I think I am going to get rid of a few things I am eating now when I cook for next week like the small amount of tofu mixed in the stew. Also one of my ingredients for a big pot of stew was a sauce with some fat in it- so it equates to about 1 gram per bowl. I don't think it is a big deal but I want to be able to eat freely without thinking about which dishes I have that have some fat that maybe I want to limit. I just don't want to think too much. I just want to eat and live my life. So if I feel like 3 bowls of quinoa and veggies I'll just have it because I already know it's all good. I'm one of those people that think everything to death. I can waiver and waiver and be indecisive. I can't tell how much time of my life I have spent trying to decide what to eat, how bad I want to be, trying to temper my own impulses, driving all over the damn city while I wrestle with myself. I like that part of Jim's message that encourages this. I think I get it. Last week I lost weight, I am sure of it and I feel much more alert and healthy so I am pleased with my progress. I think it is the being pleased that makes me want to do more. Typically when I dog myself I just want fried chicken. Not today. Today I want potatoes and brown rice and carrots and peas and zucchini, and cauliflower, and broccoli, and sweet potato with spicy fat free chili on top, and kiwi, and peaches bursting with juice, and cantaloupe dripping down my chins, and indian stew with lentils and spinach. Oh, spinach, lots of spinach-oh no I am out of spinach-that's an emergency-MUST HAVE SPINACH-must hop in the car and go after the spinach. oh goody I still get to do my addict behavior and get in the car to run after food, but the food won't kill me. Oh yeah!

[Anna Green]

So, today-not so hard to stay on track as it has been. Went shopping last night for all the good stuff. That wasn't hard either. Left the tofu off the list. Normally I buy something in the deli that is not necessarily healthy. So I just found a veggie sushi roll that I like and kept to my routine except that this time I felt good about it. Bought stuff to make the split pea soup I found on Letha's page and a couple of other recipes. Going out with friends tomorrow night so I am planning to call the restaurant ahead of time see what is on the menu and make a decision about what to order before I go. Not wanting to stray. Feeling grateful that I get to choose. Speaking of which, next Friday I have a work meeting set up with someone who may be very helpful to the homeless in our area. He suggested that he provide lunch and I nicely declined saying I am vegan not to worry. His response was that he would enjoy the challenge. After that I just didn't want to email him back and say, "oh and no fat, need whole grains, no sugar, etc." So after thinking about it for a couple of days because I know this situation will come up again every once in a while, I just decided to at least eat some of the meal provided- enough to be polite. I know it is my body and it would be in my right to say no but it's not big enough a deal for me to risk taking the focus off the message I want him to hear from me about the homeless. Next time the situation arises I will just say, "I am such a picky eater, let me cook or I'll not be staying for a meal, or whatever." The good thing in this is that every time we expose people to our vegan ways we put it in their consciousness and maybe if it happens enough to them they might ask, "Is this a good thing?" I know it is for the world. I am just glad that I am at a point where I am not eating impulsively. This is a huge thing for me and because I am scared that tomorrow I will be impulsive, today I will prepare to make it less likely.

So, today....

B-grapefruit, small bowl of potato soup with squash and about a 1/4 cup edamame
L-McDougall cup of black bean soup over hashbrowns
S-peach
D-raw greens, quinoa stew, mushrooms
S-probably some miso soup with greens or fruit or a potato

[Anna Green]

wristbandsnow, hey. good job. It is good food isn't it? I thought it wouldn't be. Silly me.

[Anna Green]

Today is a beautiful day and I am so relaxed. My sister-in-law came last night to hang and we had a good time. We went to eat at a Mexican restaurant and I think it was the first time in years, maybe ever that I did not eat chips and salsa and/or guacamole. What is more amazing is I did not care. This from the person who went through a guac addiction in which friends would bring me guacamole for a present. Instead I had a spinach tortilla (not wholegrain ) with whole black beans, veggies and rice. It was not on plan probably because it had some oil in it but oh was it so much better than what I normally do and it felt good to not walk away feeling sluggish and tired. Also drank some beer which every so often I will- I'm ok with this but next time will choose wine. This morn again we ate out and it was vegan but had oil in it. I found myself not really wanting it and did not eat the whole thing like I would have in the past. All this to say that I really want to do this McDougall plan. It feels good and someone last week was teasing me about having a spring in my step. I am not feeling so impulsive and out of control with my eating for the first time since I can remember. I do think I need to get back on plan because I can see myself getting into the old routine of eating crap if I keep making exceptions. So today I am cooking for the week and have decided that when I have company again I will cook at least for breakfast and if we eat out I will look for some more options like cucumber sushi rolls and brown rice and miso soup. Yum.

So today:

b: vegan slammer with hashbrowns (I asked for them to cut way down on the oil which I believe they did-not so greasy) vegan chili and tofu on top with tempeh.

L: brown rice pasta with black beans and salsa - no oil added

d: will be spit pea soup and salad


Way too much protein and fat. Better go cook. Am making split pea soup recipe I found on Letha's page, lentils with lots of sweet potato, and a rice recipe I also found through Letha I think. I am going to do fewer beans this week so I wanted to mix the sweet pot with the lentils so I'd have less. I also bought a bag of red potatoes to stick in the microwave at home and work for fast food. I have gotten into the habit of eating salad 1st with dinner and when at work I munch raw veggies between meals.

[Bunnylover]

Hi Anna,

I really like reading about the way you are analyzing the choices you made, why you made them, and what you plan to do differently in the future. You wrote about some really good learning opportunities -- how to deal with it when someone else offers to provide lunch, and how to stay on plan when you have company.

I have fallen into the same trap of telling people I eat a vegan diet, only to have them prepare something that I still can't eat, and then feeling guilty about not eating it. I have learned to be very, very clear now, lol. Also I say that I follow a specific nutrition plan for medical reasons. I bring my own food everywhere I go, and I don't expect anyone to cater to my needs, but if they insist on feeding me it has to be McDougall legal or I won't eat it. Not even a little bit.

Eating out is a challenge. I almost never eat out anymore, and when I do, I plan ahead of time what I will order. Some places have literally nothing that I can eat except salad or a fruit plate, so if I have to go there for social reasons, I eat first and then just have the fruit plate and an iced tea. When we have houseguests (like my in-laws), we take them shopping to buy whatever they want to eat while they are here. They can also order take-out food to eat at home while we have our healthy meals. That minimizes the need to go out to dinner.

Hooray for feeling good and having a spring in your step! That is lovely to hear.

I look forward to your next update. Take care.

[Anna Green]

Bunnylover, Thank you for the words of experience and wisdom. I need the support and am grateful that I just had to reach out and here it is. I am trying to just be conscious about what I'm doing. It does feel weird to be saying all of this but it is working for me. Changing behavior is difficult and I am ok with being a little obsessive about it right now until it just becomes second nature to live this way. I feel so much better and so much more in control. Another good eating day today. I found myself making sure I ate before I left the house as it is dangerous for me to be on the road hungry and if I leave the house hungry I know I am dancing with the devil . I am so pleased with this pesto I made last night with cannelloni beans instead of oil. It turned out wonderful. I used it for a sandwich spread on a sprouted grain bun with spinach today and felt like it was the biggest treat. It is amazing that in just a couple of weeks I am looking at food so differently. The desire for junk is still there but manageable. More importantly the food I am eating is so good and I feel how it is nourishing me NOT entertaining me if you know what I mean. I am not having hangovers from dinner. I do plan to lay off even the good bread this week, not have too many beans, and no soy products at all. Most of what I eat will be veggies- raw and cooked, brown rice, sweet potatoes, red potatoes and a piece of fruit each day. That's my goal. It's all good.

Kathleen

[Anna Green]

Last few days have been in some pain. Hurt my back tubing I think a couple of weeks ago. Was getting better then this weekend after a mad cleaning dash for company, started really hurting. Had to leave work yesterday, though my coworkers thought I was very entertaining with the way I was walking and the noises I made when movement hurt. Don't like the doc but I am going today to get a referral to PT or something. Last time I went to the physician she said I might have cancer, go to the urologist. After a week of fretting to say the least because I have a kid who just lost his father, I go to the urologist who said incredulously that I did not have cancer and should never have been referred. The nurse said this particular system has been doing this a lot-sending people for lame reasons probably people with good insurance. Anyway not thrilled to be going back to the doc even though it is someone different. The good thing is I will find out my last weight and cholesterol.

I have mostly been doing well with eating. Night before last had a moment- to say the least and did some SAD eating. I really have to watch it when I feel bad because my inclination is always to stuff with comfort food. My idea of comfort food needs to change. Felt really sad and bad physically and got back on the wagon the next day with a bit of a struggle (yesterday). Today plan to eat fruit and oatmeal for breakfast, lima beans, corn, potatoes for lunch, carrots and kiwi for snack, and not sure yet about dinner, maybe peas and potatoes and salad. I am looking forward to being able to cook- hoping tonight I'll feel well enough to do it. If not I'll just microwave the potatoes and that will be good. This is what I can do today.

[f1jim]

I think it's exciting to see the progress in your choices. Seems like it's getting easier for you to make the right choices as the evidence of your good choices show on you. Success breeds success. Keep up the nice work tightening up the diet. It's fun to watch and your experiences will be valuable to others new to this way of eating in the future. You are dancing to the right tune!
f1jim

[Anna Green]

Jim, Thanks! After such a supportive message I hate to say this but did not do so well for dinner last night (breakfast and lunch were on plan). Nasty animal products and white flour. How I can enjoy that diseased and tortured crap, the saner and kinder part of me does not know. The crazy thing is I went to the doc yesterday and have dropped 10 lbs and my BP was about 110/74-something like that which was good because it was borderline need meds before. When I had my cholesterol checked a few months ago it was high, the triglycerides were high so I will have checked again in a couple of months provided I think I've done enough good eating to have made a difference. So I know for the most part I've done well but I know I am playing with fire and don't know why. Again this morning I feel resolve and good or bad I am going to tell the truth in my journal. I kinda wish at the moment it wasn't so public. Even questioning if I am flogging myself by way of this journal because of the embarrassment I feel. Oh well, I don't know. I do think way too much. Maybe I'll just get out of my head and eat some good food for breakfast as I am hungry.

Today is a new day. I'll just start again.

[SactoBob]

Anna,

Jim has given you some great thoughts, and let me add mine. Don't feel bad that you crave the bad food - we all do. It is literally human nature. If you get a chance to read Doug Lisle's book, or obtain his dvd, you will understand that we are driven to high calorie density food by instinct. You can view one of his lectures for free at the Vegetarian Society of Hawaii.

You are trying to use will power to defeat your instincts, and a measure of will power is necessary. But more important than willower is adjusting your environment. Get rid of the bad foods in your house. Do the advance planning to make sure that good food is always readily available, and that you never place yourself in a position where you are hungry and there is no good food immediately available. If you fail, just consider why and what you could change in your environment to change that. Some ideas that could work:

Menus and shopping lists before a store visit.
Plan to eat before an occasion where there is nothing but SAD
Have your "excuses" for not eating SAD prepared in advance.
Have some emergency rations in the refrigerator/car/motel room at all times. A favorite of ours is sweet potatoes already cooked and in the refrigerator, and rice the same. You can buy mixed greens at the store. A rice cooker timed to be ready when you return, or a slow cooker is great. Be prepared for the "withdrawal" cravings that you will experience and have a plan - whether some healthy food, a walk, a call to a friend, or whatever.

Spend your time thinking about these sort of issues instead of feeling bad that you failed, and before you know it, you will be on autopilot. Failure is only a problem if you don't learn from it and plan around it next time.

[f1jim]

Most everyone takes a step back. We are, in fact, human. The fact that you recognize it as such, and make plans to improve, are the real marks of progress. I meant what I said. It comes through your words. This is working for you and will only get better. Sometimes others see things in us that we don't see. Something about the Forest and Trees? You are getting better in more ways than one.
f1jim