I was going through some posts on another site and came across a reference to 'DBT' as a means of dealing with difficult people and situations. I looked this up and found the following information:
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a system of therapy originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington, to treat people with borderline personality disorder (BPD).
Sorry to say this made me think of your wife.
They have a series of acronyms to use when trying to get your way with someone with BPD which, while a bit cutesy, are none-the-less interesting:
The interpersonal effectiveness module focuses on situations where the objective is to change something (e.g., requesting that someone do something) or to resist changes someone else is trying to make (e.g., saying no). The skills taught are intended to maximize the chances that a person’s goals in a specific situation will be met, while at the same time not damaging either the relationship or the person’s self-respect.
DEARMAN - getting something
This acronym is used to aid one in getting what he or she wants when asking.
Describe your situation.
Express why this is an issue and how you feel about it.
Assert yourself by asking clearly for what you want.
Reinforce your position by offering a positive consequence if you were to get what you want.
Mindful of the situation by focusing on what you want and ignore distractions.
Appear Confident even if you don’t feel confident.
Negotiate with a hesitant person and come to a comfortable compromise on your request.
GIVE - giving something
This skill set aids one with maintaining his or her relationships, whether they are with friends, coworkers, family, romantic partners, etc. It is to be used in conversations.
Gentle: Use appropriate language, no verbal or physical attacks, no put downs, avoid sarcasm unless you are sure the person is alright with it, and be courteous and non-judgmental.
Interested: When the person you are speaking to is talking about something, act interested in what they are saying. Maintain eye contact, ask questions, etc. Do not use your cell phone while having a conversation with another person!
Validate: Show that you understand a person’s situation and sympathize with them. Validation can be shown through words, body language and/or facial expressions.
Easy Manner: Be calm and comfortable during conversation, use humor, smile.
FAST - keeping self-respect
This is a skill to aid one in maintaining his or her self-respect. It is to be used in combination with the other interpersonal effectiveness skills.
Fair: Be fair to both yourself and the other person.
Apologies (few): Don’t apologize more than once for what you have done ineffectively, or apologize for something which was not ineffective.
Stick to Your Values: Stay true to what you believe in and stand by it. Don’t allow others to get you to do things against your values.
Truthful: Don’t lie. Lying can only pile up and damage relationships and your self-respect.
It's a shame you've had to become a phychiatrist in order to deal with someone who should be acting as your life partner, but I do hope for her sake she eventually comes around to your way of thinking.
Kate